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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-18-2008 12:26 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Jokester
Quotes:
"Is there chicken in your vegetarian gumbo?" -- Asked of a waitress.
"Just the chicken." -- The response a waitress gave when asked if there were any dairy products in a soup.
"Would you like cream and sugar with that?" -- Asked by a waitress when a customer specified orange juice instead of coffee as part of a breakfast meal.
"Do you want cheese on that?" -- Asked when a customer ordered a plain cheeseburger.
"You want fries with that?" -- Asked when a customer ordered an apple turnover.
"Do you want onions on that?" -- A waitress, in response to a couple ordering a milk shake and a large cola.
"Is there any meat in the veggie rolls?"
"Do you get rice with your fried rice?"
"I'm sorry, we only have six inch and foot long subs." -- A waitress, when asked for a 12 inch sub.
"Would you like to care for a cup of coffee?" -- A waitress.
"Which of these coffees did you want with cream and sugar?" -- Asked of a customer who had ordered two coffees, one with cream and sugar and one without.
"Do you want that in a bag?" -- Asked of a customer who ordered coffee to go.
"Is this for here or to go?" -- Asked of a Dairy Queen customer at a drive-through window.
"What's the difference between the 1/4 pounder and the 1/3 pounder?"
"What's the difference?" -- Asked of a waitress when asked if the customer would like breadsticks with or without cheese.
"Sir, we only have one thousand island dressing." -- A waitress, when asked for two thousand island dressings.
"How many pieces are in the eight piece chicken deal?"
"How much is the $1.99 popcorn chicken?"
"Is the honey mustard sauce sweet?"
"Is the spicy chicken just spicy or is it hot and spicy?"
"Would you like the sale price?" -- A fast food worker, asking how a customer would like to pay for his order of two special sandwiches.
"That's not an animal. It's a mammal." -- Cafeteria worker serving shrimp at a public high school.
"Does your ice cream contain dairy products?" -- A customer at the drive-through of a fast food restaurant.
"Excuse me. These ham and cheese rolls -- do they have ham in them?" -- A customer at a bakery cafe.
"Don't you guys have them 99 cent Whoppers?" -- Asked of a Taco Bell cashier.
"This is to go." -- Commonly said by customers at drive-through windows.
"I'd like a large Pepsi pizza." -- A customer ordering pizza over the phone. After saying this, the customer was heard saying to someone else with him, "Wait, Chuck, is that right?"
![[Razz]](tongue.gif) ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) ![[beer]](graemlins/beer.gif) ![[Cool]](cool.gif) ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif) ![[Embarrassed]](redface.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-20-2008 07:18 AM
Rated G Lorraine
A jury of her peers awarded a woman from Austin, Texas $780,000 after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amok inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving tyke was the woman's own son.
A 19 year old youth from Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran his hand over with a Honda Accord. The young man apparently didn't notice someone was at the wheel of the car whose hubcap he was trying to steal.
A thief from Bristol, PA, was leaving a house he had robbed through the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re- enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so the robber found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. This upset the thief, so he sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars and change.
A man from Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard, as was the man. The award was less than sought because the jury felt that the man who, at the time, was shooting the animal repeatedly with a pellet gun might have provoked the dog.
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay a woman from Lancaster, PA, $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because the woman had thrown it at her boyfriend thirty seconds earlier during an argument.
A woman from Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while she was trying to sneak through the window in the lady's room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-22-2008 04:08 PM
Rated G Jokester
How to Impress a Woman:
Compliment her,
Respect her,
Honor her,
Cuddle her,
Kiss her,
Caress her,
Love her,
Tease her,
Comfort her,
Protect her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Dance with her,
Spend money on her,
Wine and dine her,
Buy things for her,
Listen to her,
Care for her,
Stand by her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Go to the ends of the Earth for her.
How to Impress a Man:
Show up naked.
Bring food.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-25-2008 07:15 AM
Rated G Jokester
Official Rules for Calling Shotgun
1. The first person to yell "SHOTGUN" gets to ride in the front seat.
2. The remaining back seats may be divvied up in the same manner by being the first to call "back right seat", etc..
3. The word "shotgun" must be loud enough to be heard by at least one witness. If no witness is to be found, or in case of a tie, the driver has the final word. After all, it is most likely his car. (note: if it isn't his car, and the owner is present, the owner's decision is final. Owner must be sober, however, or he will defer his judgment to the driver.)
4. Early calls are strictly prohibited. All occupants of the vehicle (including the driver) must be outside of the building and directly on the way to the vehicle before shotgun may be called. Under no circumstances may a person call shotgun inside a building. For sake of simplicity, a garage is considered to be outside. Parking structures and detached garages are always considered as being outdoors, even if they are underground.
5. A person may only call shotgun for one way of a trip. Shotgun can never be called while inside a vehicle or still technically on the way to the first location. For example, one cannot get out of a vehicle and call Shotgun for the return journey.
6. Being as how everyone is created equal, men have the same right as women to the front seat of the car. i.e. women don't own the front seat.
7. One is allowed to ride shotgun as many times as he can call it, but for himself only. No one can call shotgun for their slower friend, unless the friend has a speech or mental handicap that prevents them from calling it for themselves.
8. The driver has final say in all ties and disputes. The driver has the right to suspend or remove all shotgun privileges from one or more persons.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-25-2008 07:18 AM
Rated G Jokester
Joggers
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes.
No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window.
He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"
The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15."
The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him.
To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"
Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
"Sir? It's 8:45."
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