my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Miscellaneous - Part Three (Page 109)

This topic comprises 118 pages: 1  2  3  ...  106  107  108  109  110  111  112  ...  116  117  118

Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-20-2008 12:14 PM                        Rated G Pale Gail Gail had been sick so she was feeling quite frail. Frail Gail was told by her doctor that she was cured and now hale and hearty. So hale frail Gail decided to go to the beach and get a healthy tan so she would not be pale hale frail Gail. But one day a dead whale washed up on the beach behind her home. Hale pale frail Gail could tell it had been a male, but now it was quite dead. So hale pale frail Gail's stale male whale sat outside her beach house while she thought about what to do with it. Gail decided to see if she could sell part of the whale, so she advertised in a newspaper that the flukes were for sale. Hale pale frail Gail's stale male whale tail sale caused a lot of people to visit her house and pretty soon people had trampled a path into her back yard and on to the beach. To protect her flowers Gail decided to put up a rail along the trail to the whale. Hale pale frail Gail's stale male whale tail sale trail rail worked quite well except that one nail she used to make the rail stuck out and stuck anyone who bumped into it. Hale pale frail Gail's stale male whale tail sale trail rail impale nail was a hazard. So much so that one person sent her a letter threatening to sue if the nail was not fixed. Hale pale frail Gail's stale male whale tail sale trail rail impale nail mail convinced her it was time to go home from the beach.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-20-2008 12:18 PM                        Rated G Hairy Mary Mary never cut her hair. So her hair grew and grew, on her head, her arms, and her legs. Some people called her Hairy Mary. Mary did not like being called that, so she did not like people who called her that behind her back. Mary was so careful about not being friends with people who called her Hairy Mary that some called her Wary Hairy Mary. Mary owned many cows that she milked to sell to people. There was lots of grass for her cows because Mary lived on the prairie next to the highway, but the pasture where her cows grazed was on the other side of a river. So Mary built a flat boat to carry her cows across the river called the Wary Hairy Mary Prairie Dairy Carry Ferry. One day, Mary got the idea of using berries to flavor her milk. Soon her Wary Hairy Mary Berry Prairie Dairy Carry Ferry became famous. People always asked her to mix all kinds of different berries together with the milk. But Mary angrily said no, she only sold ordinary berry flavored milk. Everybody liked her ordinary berry flavored milk, but people thought she was a little scary, and so some people called her Scary Wary Hairy Mary. This made Mary even madder, so sometimes Mary became very contrary and would not give them a ride on her ferry. So they started calling it the Very Contrary Scary Wary Hairy Mary Ordinary Berry Prairie Dairy Carry Ferry. However, people soon discovered if you asked her very politely in a very gracious way to let you ride across the river, she would always let you ride. Pretty soon everybody learned the Very Contrary Scary Wary Hairy Mary Ordinary Berry Prairie Dairy Carry Ferry Query so they could ride across the river.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-21-2008 09:29 PM                        Rated G WARNING FROM PAKISTAN This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States and Canada that if military action against Iraq and Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America 's and Canada 's supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Bell and Rogers customer service reps. It's going to get ugly folks.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-21-2008 09:54 PM                        Rated G TheWhiteRabbit A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-22-2008 08:23 PM                        Rated G B.B. T-Shirt Slogans "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (Seen on an 8 year old) Wrinkled wasn't one of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up "Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog." "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-24-2008 06:03 AM                        Rated G I'm one of the 55. Are You? fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and yo u can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it. ONLY FORWARD IF YOU WERE ABLE TO READ THIS  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-24-2008 01:35 PM                        Rated G I saw that my low-fuel light was on, so I stopped and got $10 worth of gas. And when I was done, I saw that my low-fuel light was still on.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-24-2008 02:14 PM                        Rated G Cuti Patuti The Future of Nursery Rhymes apologies if you don't recognise them Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall The structure of the wall was incorrect So he won a grand with Claims Direct It's Raining, it's Pouring Oh shit, it's Global warming Mary had a little lamb her father shot it dead Now it goes to school with her between two chunks of bread. Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair, Said Simple Simon to the pie man "what have you got there?" Said the pie man unto Simon Pies you dickhead. Mary had a little lamb it ran into a pylon. 10,000 vols went up its arse and turned its wool to nylon. Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie kissed the girls and made them cry, When the boys came out to play he kissed them too 'cos he liked it that way... Jack and jill Went up the hill And planned to do some kissing, Jack made a pass and grabbed her ass Now two of his teeth are missing. Mary had a little lamb its fleece was white and whispy, Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease And now it's black and crispy.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-24-2008 02:16 PM                        Rated G the little woman One day, there was a blind man sitting on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet and a sign that read: "I am blind, please help." A creative publicist was walking by and stopped to observe. He saw that the blind man had only a few coins in his hat. He dropped in more coins and, without asking for permission, took the sign and rewrote it. He returned the sign to the blind man and left. That afternoon the publicist returned to the blind man and noticed that his hat was full of bills and coins. The blind man recognized his footsteps and asked if it was he who had rewritten his sign and wanted to know what he had written on it. The publicist responded: "Nothing that was not true. I just wrote the message a little differently." He smiled and went on his way. The new sign read: "Today is Spring and I cannot see it." Sometimes we need to change our strategy. If we always do what we've always done, we'll always get what we've always gotten. And remember too, sometimes it's not WHAT we say; it's HOW we say it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-25-2008 06:12 PM                        Rated G B.B. Subject: Word of the day Mexicans only cross the border 1 at a time; 2 at a time and 4 at a time; but never 3 at a time. The sign says no TRES PASSING...  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-25-2008 06:15 PM                        Rated G Mexican word of the day is Mushroom... "Orale Vato, when all my familia gets in the car, there's not mushroom!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-25-2008 06:23 PM                        Rated G Lorraine THE OFFICE DIET How to Lose Weight Without Exercise: Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume. Beating around the bush--75 Jumping to conclusions--100 Climbing the walls--150 Swallowing your pride--50 Passing the buck--25 Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight) 50-300 Dragging your heels--100 Pushing your luck--250 Making mountains out of molehills--500 Hitting the nail on the head--50 Wading through paperwork--300 Bending over backwards--75 Jumping on the bandwagon--200 Balancing the books--25 Running around in circles--350 Eating crow--225 Tooting your own horn--25 Climbing the ladder of success--750 Pulling out the stops--75 Adding fuel to the fire--160 Wrapping it up at the day's end--12 To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including: Opening a can of worms--50 Putting your foot in your mouth--300 Starting the ball rolling--90 Going over the edge--25 Picking up the pieces after--350 Counting eggs before they hatch--6 Calling it quits--10  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-26-2008 06:20 PM                        Rated G TRAVEL AGENT TERMS Old world charm ... Room with no TV, radio and only 1 light. Tropical .... Rainy. Majestic setting ... A long way from town, at end of dirt road. Options galore ... Nothing is included in the price. Secluded hideaway .......Directions to locate unclear. Some budget rooms .....Sorry, already occupied. Explore on your own .....At your own expense. Minutes From ???...........By Plane Romantic ...................... No Phone in room Knowledgeable trip hosts ... They've flown in an airplane before. No extra fees .............. No extras available. Bird Watchers Paradise...... Your car's paint will never be the same Nominal fee ................. Outrageous charge. Standard ..................... Sub-standard. Deluxe ........................ Barely Standard. Superior accommodations... One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap. All the amenities ......... Two chocolates, two shower caps. Just Like Home............. No Maid service. Plush ................. Both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes. Gentle breezes ........... In hurricane alley. Light and airy .............. No air conditioning. Picturesque ................ Theme park nearby. 24-hour bar .....Ice cubes at additional cost (when available).  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-26-2008 06:25 PM                        Rated G Lorraine One night, the women in the Potato Head family were preparing dinner. Mother Potato Head and her three daughters. Midway through the preparation of the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother?" she said. "I have an announcement to make." "And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes. "Well," replied the daughter, "I'm getting married!" The other Potato daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, eldest daughter?" "I'm marrying a Russet!" "A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride. "Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!" said Mother Potato. As they resumed the meal preparation, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother? I, too, have an announcement." "And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato. The middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!" "You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, middle daughter?" "I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter. "An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!" Once again the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Umm... I, too, have an announcement to make." "Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation. "Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her sisters before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!" "That's wonderful. Who are you marrying?" asked Mother Potato Head. "I'm marrying John Madden!" the youngest Potato daughter replied. "JOHN MADDEN?!?" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-27-2008 08:24 AM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti A male and female pigeon made a date to meet on the ledge outside the fiftieth floor of the Chrysler Buildig. The female was there on time, but the male arrived an hour late. "Where were you? I was worried sick." "It was such a nice day, I decided to walk."  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 118 pages: 1  2  3  ...  106  107  108  109  110  111  112  ...  116  117  118

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.