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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-17-2008 07:40 AM                        Rated G Tony in Old Lyme,CT QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME! --------------------------------------------------------------- If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting? --------------------------------------------------------------- Can you cry under water? --------------------------------------------------------------- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? --------------------------------------------------------------- Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to? --------------------------------------------------------------- Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? --------------------------------------------------------------- Why does a round pizza come in a square box? --------------------------------------------------------------- What disease did cured ham actually have? --------------------------------------------------------------- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? --------------------------------------------------------------- Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours? --------------------------------------------------------------- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? --------------------------------------------------------------- Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? --------------------------------------------------------------- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? --------------------------------------------------------------- Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. --------------------------------------------------------------- Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural? --------------------------------------------------------------- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? --------------------------------------------------------------- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? --------------------------------------------------------------- Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ? --------------------------------------------------------------- If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? --------------------------------------------------------------- Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! --------------------------------------------------------------- If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? --------------------------------------------------------------- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? --------------------------------------------------------------- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? --------------------------------------------------------------- Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? --------------------------------------------------------------- Why did you just try singing the two songs above? --------------------------------------------------------------- Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? --------------------------------------------------------------- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? ---------------------------------------------------------------- Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-19-2008 01:02 PM                        Rated PG Ed in Aurora, Ont. Gentle Lessons of Life A penny saved is obviously the result of a government oversight. ************* The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. ********** The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. ********** The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a new replacement for it. ********** He who hesitates is probably doing the right thing. ********** Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL.' ********** If you think there is some good in everybody, you obviously haven't met 'everybody'. ********** If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone else in mind to blame. ********** The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so that he can tell when he's 'really' in trouble. ********** There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. ********** Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.' ********* Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. ********* The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. ********** Some people try to turn back their life's odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long, long way and some of the roads weren't paved. *********** When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. *********** One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. ********** Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. ********** First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's even worse when you forget to pull it down. *********** Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf ********* When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-26-2008 02:31 PM                        Rated PG Subject: QUIZ TIME !! Sometimes we all think that a stupid question deserves a stupid answer. Well... Hope you all do better than I !!!!!!!!!!! ----- > DO NOT CHEAT AND LOOK AT > ANSWERS!!! WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ (Passing requires only 4 correct answers) 1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last? 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? 7) What was King George VI's first name? 8) What colour is a purple finch? 9) Where AR e Chinese gooseberries from? 10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane? Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass. Check your answers below . [b]ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years 2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs 7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert 8) What colour is a purple finch? Crimson 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand 10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course) What do you mean, you failed? Me, too. (And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie!)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-01-2008 08:30 AM                        Rated G Jokester Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She bumped the car in front, then backed up and hit the car behind her. This went on about two minutes. I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined. She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not going to use them once in a while?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-01-2008 08:38 AM                        Rated PG Jokester What SEX And PARKING SPACES Share In Common: *You should never have to wait to find one *You should be able to slide right into one *Spaces in the front are always the best *When no front spaces are available, spaces in the rear will always suffice *It sucks when someone else is double-parked *Your space should still be open and waiting when you get back *It's a tragedy when you have a 'full-size' car but there are only 'compact' spaces *A full-size car is good to find *People are willing to wait in line for the good spaces *Spaces with short time limits are annoying and never satisfying *We're all looking for the free space with the "unlimited" time limit *A house isn't a home without a parking space *Some people are uncomfortable with a space in the rear *Why is it best-looking cars are always the ones who only like parking in the rear? *The better your parking techniques are the more parking spaces you can get into.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-03-2008 07:55 AM                        Rated G Jokester English Conundrums “The Chaos” By Gerard Nolst Trenité. Best appreciated when read aloud: Dearest creature in creation Studying English pronunciation, I will teach you in my verse Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse. I will keep you, Susy, busy, Make your head with heat grow dizzy; Tear in eye, your dress you'll tear; Queer, fair seer, hear my prayer. Pray, console your loving poet, Make my coat look new, dear, sew it! 10 Just compare heart, hear and heard, Dies and diet, lord and word. Sword and sward, retain and Britain (Mind the latter how it's written). Made has not the sound of bade, Say - said, pay - paid, laid but plaid. Now I surely will not plague you With such words as vague and ague, But be careful how you speak, Say: gush, bush, steak, streak, break, bleak, 20 Previous, precious, fuchsia, via Recipe, pipe, studding-sail, choir; Woven, oven, how and low, Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe. Say, expecting fraud and trickery: Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore, Branch, ranch, measles, topsails, aisles, Missiles, similes, reviles. Wholly, holly, signal, signing, Same, examining, but mining, 30 Scholar, vicar, and cigar, Solar, mica, war and far. From "desire": desirable - admirable from "admire", Lumber, plumber, bier, but brier, Topsham, brougham, renown, but known, Knowledge, done, lone, gone, none, tone, One, anemone, Balmoral, Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel. Gertrude, German, wind and wind, Beau, kind, kindred, queue, mankind, 40 Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather, Reading, Reading, heathen, heather. This phonetic labyrinth Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, ninth, plinth. Have you ever yet endeavoured To pronounce revered and severed, Demon, lemon, ghoul, foul, soul, Peter, petrol and patrol? Billet does not end like ballet; Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet. 50 Blood and flood are not like food, Nor is mould like should and would. Banquet is not nearly parquet, Which exactly rhymes with khaki. Discount, viscount, load and broad, Toward, to forward, to reward, Ricocheted and crocheting, croquet? Right! Your pronunciation's OK. Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve, Friend and fiend, alive and live. 60 Is your R correct in higher? Keats asserts it rhymes with Thalia. Hugh, but hug, and hood, but hoot, Buoyant, minute, but minute. Say abscission with precision, Now: position and transition; Would it tally with my rhyme If I mentioned paradigm? Twopence, threepence, tease are easy, But cease, crease, grease and greasy? 70 Cornice, nice, valise, revise, Rabies, but lullabies. Of such puzzling words as nauseous, Rhyming well with cautious, tortious, You'll envelop lists, I hope, In a linen envelope. Would you like some more? You'll have it! Affidavit, David, davit. To abjure, to perjure. Sheik Does not sound like Czech but ache. 80 Liberty, library, heave and heaven, Rachel, loch, moustache, eleven. We say hallowed, but allowed, People, leopard, towed but vowed. Mark the difference, moreover, Between mover, plover, Dover. Leeches, breeches, wise, precise, Chalice, but police and lice, Camel, constable, unstable, Principle, disciple, label. 90 Petal, penal, and canal, Wait, surmise, plait, promise, pal, Suit, suite, ruin. Circuit, conduit Rhyme with "shirk it" and "beyond it", But it is not hard to tell Why it's pall, mall, but Pall Mall. Muscle, muscular, gaol, iron, Timber, climber, bullion, lion, Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair, Senator, spectator, mayor, 100 Ivy, privy, famous; clamour Has the A of drachm and hammer. Pussy, hussy and possess, Desert, but desert, address. Golf, wolf, countenance, lieutenants Hoist in lieu of flags left pennants. Courier, courtier, tomb, bomb, comb, Cow, but Cowper, some and home. "Solder, soldier! Blood is thicker", Quoth he, "than liqueur or liquor", 110 Making, it is sad but true, In bravado, much ado. Stranger does not rhyme with anger, Neither does devour with clangour. Pilot, pivot, gaunt, but aunt, Font, front, wont, want, grand and grant. Arsenic, specific, scenic, Relic, rhetoric, hygienic. Gooseberry, goose, and close, but close, Paradise, rise, rose, and dose. 120 Say inveigh, neigh, but inveigle, Make the latter rhyme with eagle. Mind! Meandering but mean, Valentine and magazine. And I bet you, dear, a penny, You say mani-(fold) like many, Which is wrong. Say rapier, pier, Tier (one who ties), but tier. Arch, archangel; pray, does erring Rhyme with herring or with stirring? 130 Prison, bison, treasure trove, Treason, hover, cover, cove, Perseverance, severance. Ribald Rhymes (but piebald doesn't) with nibbled. Phaeton, paean, gnat, ghat, gnaw, Lien, psychic, shone, bone, pshaw. Don't be down, my own, but rough it, And distinguish buffet, buffet; Brood, stood, roof, rook, school, wool, boon, Worcester, Boleyn, to impugn. 140 Say in sounds correct and sterling Hearse, hear, hearken, year and yearling. Evil, devil, mezzotint, Mind the z! (A gentle hint.) Now you need not pay attention To such sounds as I don't mention, Sounds like pores, pause, pours and paws, Rhyming with the pronoun yours; Nor are proper names included, Though I often heard, as you did, 150 Funny rhymes to unicorn, Yes, you know them, Vaughan and Strachan. No, my maiden, coy and comely, I don't want to speak of Cholmondeley. No. Yet Froude compared with proud Is no better than McLeod. But mind trivial and vial, Tripod, menial, denial, Troll and trolley, realm and ream, Schedule, mischief, schism, and scheme. 160 Argil, gill, Argyll, gill. Surely May be made to rhyme with Raleigh, But you're not supposed to say Piquet rhymes with sobriquet. Had this invalid invalid Worthless documents? How pallid, How uncouth he, couchant, looked, When for Portsmouth I had booked! Zeus, Thebes, Thales, Aphrodite, Paramour, enamoured, flighty, 170 Episodes, antipodes, Acquiesce, and obsequies. Please don't monkey with the geyser, Don't peel 'taters with my razor, Rather say in accents pure: Nature, stature and mature. Pious, impious, limb, climb, glumly, Worsted, worsted, crumbly, dumbly, Conquer, conquest, vase, phase, fan, Wan, sedan and artisan. 180 The TH will surely trouble you More than R, CH or W. Say then these phonetic gems: Thomas, thyme, Theresa, Thames. Thompson, Chatham, Waltham, Streatham, There are more but I forget 'em - Wait! I've got it: Anthony, Lighten your anxiety. The archaic word albeit Does not rhyme with eight - you see it; 190 With and forthwith, one has voice, One has not, you make your choice. Shoes, goes, does. Now first say: finger; Then say: singer, ginger, linger. Real, zeal, mauve, gauze and gauge, Marriage, foliage, mirage, age, Hero, heron, query, very, Parry, tarry, fury, bury, Dost, lost, post, and doth, cloth, loth, Job, Job, blossom, bosom, oath. 200 Faugh, oppugnant, keen oppugners, Bowing, bowing, banjo-tuners Holm you know, but noes, canoes, Puisne, truism, use, to use? Though the difference seems little, We say actual, but victual, Seat, sweat, chaste, caste, Leigh, eight, height, Put, nut, granite, and unite Reefer does not rhyme with deafer, Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer. 210 Dull, bull, Geoffrey, George, ate, late, Hint, pint, senate, but sedate. Gaelic, Arabic, pacific, Science, conscience, scientific; Tour, but our, dour, succour, four, Gas, alas, and Arkansas. Say manoeuvre, yacht and vomit, Next omit, which differs from it Bona fide, alibi Gyrate, dowry and awry. 220 Sea, idea, guinea, area, Psalm, Maria, but malaria. Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean, Doctrine, turpentine, marine. Compare alien with Italian, Dandelion with battalion, Rally with ally; yea, ye, Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, key, quay! Say aver, but ever, fever, Neither, leisure, skein, receiver. 230 Never guess - it is not safe, We say calves, valves, half, but Ralf. Starry, granary, canary, Crevice, but device, and eyrie, Face, but preface, then grimace, Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass. Bass, large, target, gin, give, verging, Ought, oust, joust, and scour, but scourging; Ear, but earn; and ere and tear Do not rhyme with here but heir. 240 Mind the O of off and often Which may be pronounced as orphan, With the sound of saw and sauce; Also soft, lost, cloth and cross. Pudding, puddle, putting. Putting? Yes: at golf it rhymes with shutting. Respite, spite, consent, resent. Liable, but Parliament. Seven is right, but so is even, Hyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen, 250 Monkey, donkey, clerk and jerk, Asp, grasp, wasp, demesne, cork, work. A of valour, vapid, vapour, S of news (compare newspaper), G of gibbet, gibbon, gist, I of antichrist and grist, Differ like diverse and divers, Rivers, strivers, shivers, fivers. Once, but nonce, toll, doll, but roll, Polish, Polish, poll and poll. 260 Pronunciation - think of Psyche! - Is a paling, stout and spiky. Won't it make you lose your wits Writing groats and saying 'grits'? It's a dark abyss or tunnel Strewn with stones like rowlock, gunwale, Islington, and Isle of Wight, Housewife, verdict and indict. Don't you think so, reader, rather, Saying lather, bather, father? 270 Finally, which rhymes with enough, Though, through, bough, cough, hough, sough, tough?? Hiccough has the sound of sup... My advice is: GIVE IT UP!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-09-2008 07:08 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. Show this to your children and grandchildren THE YEAR 1908 This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine! The year is 1908. One hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes! Here are some statistics for the Year 1908 : ************ ********* ********* ****** The average life expectancy was 47 years. Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub. Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles Of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower! The average wage in 1908 was 22 cents per hour. The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year . A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME . Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION! Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which Were condemned in the press AND the government as 'substandard. ' Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound. Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from Entering into their country for any reason. Five leading causes of death were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke The American flag had 45 stars. The population of Las Vegas , Nevada, was only 30!!!! Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea Hadn't been invented yet. There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, 'Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind,regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.' ( Shocking? DUH! ) Eighteen percent of households had at least One full-time servant or domestic help. There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE ! U.S.A. ! Now I forwarded this from someone else without typing It myself, and sent it to you and others all over Canada & U.S.A Possibly the world, in a matter of seconds! Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years. IT STAGGERS THE MIND, EH?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-13-2008 09:08 AM                        Rated PG Male or Female Gender You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender. For example... 1) Ziploc Bags- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. 2) Copiers- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed. 3) Tire- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated. 4) Hot Air Balloon- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part. 5) Sponges- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water. 6) Web Page- Female, because it's always getting hit on. 7) Subway- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. 8) Hourglass- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. 9) Hammer- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. 10) Remote Control- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this-it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2008 03:36 PM                        Rated XXX Ross A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection. The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call for me?' The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?' She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her. Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. 'Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man. 'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer. 'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer. The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked. 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.' 'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.' 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2008 10:19 AM                        Rated PG Lorraine Two men were working at the sawmill and one guy got too close to the saw and cut his ear off. It fell in the sawdust pit so he jumped down into the pit and was hunting around trying to find it. The second guy saw him and hollered down, "What're you doing?" The first man said that he had cut off his ear and was looking for it. The second guy said, "I'll help you" and jumped in the pit. He was searching around on his hands and knees and then hollered, "I found it!" The first guy took it and examined it closely, then said, "Keep looking. Mine had a pencil behind it." [ 10-28-2008, 04:23 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-30-2008 01:16 PM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti What's the difference between a musician and a fourteen-inch pizza? The pizza can feed a family of four.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-31-2008 08:41 AM                        Rated PG Jokester Halloween Things That Sound Dirty but Aren't She's a goblin. I'd like to get a little something in the sack. Let me see your bag... Oh! You’re having a great night. Just get on your knees and bob your head. She's got a nice couple of pumpkins on her porch. If you just lick it, it will last longer. Show me you’re Jujubes and I'll show you my Zag Nuts. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth. You scared me stiff. He's got candy spread out on the floor.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-31-2008 08:42 AM                        Rated G Jokester Signs You're Too Old to Trick or Treat... You get winded from knocking on the door. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you. You ask for high fiber candy only. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over. People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing a mask! When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-31-2008 08:44 AM                        Rated G Jokester Halloween Rocky One Halloween a trick-or-treator came to my door dressed as "Rocky," in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more. "Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep several minutes ago?" I asked. "Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times tonight, too."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-31-2008 08:47 AM                        Rated G to X Jokester Awful Aren’t They? What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? A Pumpkin Pi. How do you make a witch stew? Keep her waiting for hours. How do ghosts begin their letters? "Tomb it may concern...." What do you call a person who puts rat poison in another person's Corn Flakes? A cereal killer. How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern? With a pumpkin patch. Why are there fences around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in. Why was the mummy so tense? He was all wound up. How do you know if a ghost is lying? You can see right through him. How is a werewolf like a computer? They both have megabytes. Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry? They're afraid of flying off the handle. Where do ghosts go on vacation? Lake Erie. Why did Dracula take cold medicine? To stop his coffin. How can you tell when a window is scared? They get shudders. Why didn't the skeleton dance at the Halloween party? It had no body to dance with. When does a skeleton laugh? When something tickles his funny bone. Why is a ghost such a messy eater? Because he's always goblin. What happens when a ghost gets lost in a fog? He's mist. What do you call a ghost with a broken leg? Hoblin Goblin What is a vampires favorite mode of transportation? A blood vessel. Why did the skeleton go to hospital? To have his ghoul stones removed! How did the skeleton know it was going to rain? He could feel it in his bones! What do boney people use to get into their homes? Skeleton keys! What happened to the boat that sank in the sea full of piranha fish? It came back with a skeleton crew! Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating? Women can see right through them. Why didn't the Invisible Man get invited to the Halloween party? They knew he wouldn't show up. Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party? Because everyone was a goblin! How do mummies hide? They wear masking tape. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts. Why do you always find ghouls and demons together? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend. How can you tell that Doctor Frankenstein had a good sense of humor? Because he kept his monster in stitches. Why do dragons sleep during the day? So they can fight knights. How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. Why do mummies make excellent spies? They're good at keeping things under wraps. If the devil lost his tail, where could he find a new one? At a store where they retail spirits. Why did the doctor tell the zombie to get some rest? He was dead on his feet. Why did the headless horseman go into business? He wanted to get ahead in life. What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back? "You're under a vest!"  |  IP: Logged

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