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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2006 09:18 AM                        Rated G A Bedouin wandering in the Sahara happened upon an American dressed in a bathing suit, flip-flops, a big, over-sized t-shirt and sunglasses. The Bedouin gazed at him in amazement, "What are you doing all the way out here dressed like that!?" "I'm going swimming," the tourist explained. "But the ocean is five hundred miles away," the Arab informed him. "five hundred miles!" the American exclaimed with a whistle of appreciation. "Boy, what a beach!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-12-2006 07:10 AM                        Rated G Maggie Self-esteem does not mean feeling good all the time. Self-esteem means loving yourself even when you feel badly...even when you make a mistake. It means loving yourself even when you're depressed. It means that you accept yourself fully.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-12-2006 07:12 AM                        Rated G "A judge ruled last week that mooning is legal in Maryland. Though that's not really a problem because a lot of people who work in Washington live in Maryland and they're more concerned with covering their asses than showing them." --Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-12-2006 07:41 AM                        Rated G B.B. I came out of a convenience store the other day and some seedy looking guy walks up to me and holds up a little sign: "DEAF & DUMB... Can you spare $10?" Wow! What happened to a dollar or two? So I reached into my pocket for my wallet, opened it, took out a folded piece of paper and handed it to him. It said: "I CAN'T READ" and I walked away.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-12-2006 07:47 AM                        Rated G "After 25 years Ted Koppel did his last show tonight at "Nightline". Immediately after the show he drove upstate and released his hair into the wild." --Conan O'Brien "Did you all go shopping this weekend? Huge crowds at the mall. Shoppers were looking for those bargains. In fact, the 99-cent store here Burbank having a huge "one-percent-off" sale. --Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-12-2006 02:17 PM                        Rated PG John Mullen My friend and I were in a record store to buy a 45-speed record of his favorite song. After he located it, he realized that he forgot his wallet. Instead of going out and getting his wallet, he decided to get a five-finger discount (shoplift) so he put it down his pants. Well, as we were leaving the store, the cashier stopped him and said, "Excuse me, but is that a record in your pants?" To this he responded, "It may not be a record, but I'm mighty proud of it." Yea, I know it didn't really happen, but I felt like telling my joke in this manner.  |  IP: Logged Dieter Depypere Master Film Handler Posts: 343 From: Deutsch-Wagram, Lower Austria, Austria Registered: May 2005 posted 01-12-2006 02:37 PM                     Rated PG-13 A ship hits something (maybe an iceberg, no one knows) just when there is "grand gala". So the captain gets a microphone and says "Please evacuate the ship, we are sinking! Men are supposed to use the emergency boats on the port side, the women on the starboard side!" Two homo's hear this and shout "SO WE HAVE TO DROWN!?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2006 08:38 AM                        Rated G Vicky Life is like an overnight bag: if you try to cram too much into it, something has got to give.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2006 08:41 AM                        Rated G Bruce Q. Why do women have better driving records than men? A. Because if they have an accident, the newspapers print their age. "It’s been unseasonably warm here in New York City. It feels like spring out. It was so warm today that cab drivers got confused and took their annual shower." --David Letterman "Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It's kind of like being the guy on a date." --Caroline Rhea "Some things just aren't funny. Beatings aren't funny. Mimes aren't funny. But beating a mime - why is that so hilarious?" --Dave Attell "My father would say things that made no sense at all, like, 'If I were the last person on earth, some moron would turn left in front of me.'" -Louie Anderson  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2006 08:52 AM                        Rated G B.B. The ad in the local newspaper read: "Purebred Police Dog $25". Thinking that to be a great bargain, Mrs. Freeman ordered the dog to be delivered. The next day a van pulled up and left her the mangiest looking mongrel she had ever seen. In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad. "What do you mean by calling that mangy mutt a purebred police dog?" "Don't be deceived by his looks, Ma'am," he replied. "He's in the Secret Service."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2006 09:56 AM                        Rated G B.B. Bumper Stickers: Cover me ... I'm changing lanes Forget About World Peace ... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2006 09:58 AM                        Rated G Bruce Three cellmates in a Cuban jail compared notes. "I was jailed for coming to work late," complained the first. "They said I was trying to upset the productivity quota." "Me, I came to work early." said the second. "They said this proved I was a capitalist spy." "And I am here for always getting to work on time," added the third. "They said that proved I had an American watch."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2006 11:10 AM                        Rated G B.B. A friend of mine was sitting on his porch, when this woman walked up with a pad and pencil in her hand. "What can I do for you?" my friend asked. "You selling something?" "No, sir, I'm not. I'm a Census Taker." "A what?" "A Census Taker. We're trying to find out how many people are in the United States." "You're wasting your time here. I have no idea."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2006 11:12 AM                        Rated G Bruce Church Bulletin Bloopers 2006 * Several members who have been in the hospital are not on their way to recovery, for which we are thankful. * The Jack and Kill Daycare is looking for someone to help part time on Saturdays. * We'll kick off the Christmas season this morning with our first hymn, "The First Nowell" * Our Wednesday Night Family Cafeteria meal will feature a variety of Chinese dishes including One Ton Soup. * Events: December 9th, Christmas Caroling at the Parkview Nursing Home 7:00 p.m., December 10th, Breakfast with Satan 6:00 to 9:00 a.m. in the Fellowship Hall. * Saturday the Youth Group will Serenade a number of our Seniors with Christmas Thongs. * Last Saturday the Men's Group had a great fellowship that included good conversation and delicious coffee. Special thanks to Kate Michels for providing teats. * The Youth Group had a scavenger hunt, did face painting, and played a game called, "Find the gun." They had a great time. * The Pastor's Corner: A Personal Massage from Jesus. * Don't forget to make some New Year's Resolutions. It's a great way to start off with a new ear. * Due to Construction on the North side of the parking lot, we will soon be changing entrances. Please exit the new driveway which is the one in between the old entrance and the old exit. Please exit from the new exit which is the old entrance. * What are you doing for Lunch Tuesday? Local Funeral Director Barry Gilbert will talk about the benefits of cremation. * The Riegieman Chiropractic Center will host Kid's Day this Saturday. They'll be treating the youth group to spinal exams, backpack checks, I.D. Cards, etc.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2006 11:14 AM                        Rated G "Angelina and Brad Pitt are going to have a baby. Well this is nice, finally this couple is going to get some attention." --David Letterman "A new study shows that large doses of Vitamin E do not protect against heart attacks and cancer, and might actually raise the risk of heart failure. The study was published in this month's Journal of Things that Scientists Told You to Do Last Month That Turned Out to Be Harmful This Month." --Dennis Miller "During Judge Alito's hearings, Senator Ted Kennedy accidentally referred to Sam Alito as Ali-oto. Kennedy said, 'Forgive me, I'm sober.'" ---Conan O'Brien "A homemade bomb was found in the bathroom of a Starbucks in San Francisco. Police defused the device, saving over $85 million worth of coffee. 100 people were evacuated from the Starbucks. They were taken to the Starbucks to two doors down." --Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged

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