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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-28-2006 08:23 PM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7 The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child) HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8 And the #1 Favorite is........ HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. -- Ricky, age 10  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-30-2006 12:55 PM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. Do you know your hymns? Dentist's Hymn..................Crown Him with Many Crowns Weatherman's Hymn...There Shall Be Showers of Blessings Contractor's Hymn..............The Church's One Foundation The Tailor's Hymn......................Holy, Holy, Holy The Golfer's Hymn............There's a Green Hill Far Away The Politician's Hymn...............Standing on the Promises Optometrist's Hymn..........Open My Eyes That I Might See The IRS Agent's Hymn.................I Surrender All The Gossip's Hymn.....................Pass It On The Electrician's Hymn.................Send The Light The Shopper's Hymn....................Sweet Bye and Bye The Realtor's Hymn. . . . . . I've Got a Mansion Just over the Hilltop The Massage Therapists Hymn . . . ......He Touched Me The Doctor's Hymn......................The Great Physician AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns: 45mph....................God Will Take Care of You 65mph....................Nearer My God To Thee 85mph....................This World Is Not My Home 95mph....................Lord, I'm Coming Home 100mph................Precious Memories Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2007 12:40 PM                        Rated G Bruce METALLURGIST - A man who can look at a platinum blonde and tell whether she is virgin metal or a common ore.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2007 12:41 PM                        Rated G Lulu On our first day of training for a charity parachute jump, the instructor made an important point. "Start preparing for landing when you're at 300 feet." One student asked, "How do you know when you're at 300 feet"? "A good question. At 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground." She thought about this for a moment before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know"?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2007 12:46 PM                        Rated G Bruce The headwaiter of a five-star, elegant restaurant recoiled in disgust as a man in muddy hipwader boots, torn jeans, a dirty leather jacket, with long, stringy dirty hair, and a beard full of old crumbs of food marched right towards him. The man said, "Yo, bucko, where's your crapper?" The headwaiter calmly replied, "Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen', pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2007 07:16 AM                        Rated G Math 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2007 07:45 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. A MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH He writes: I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out the window and gave the woman the finger. " Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to 982 = cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan,70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.That's 98 And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem,has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed. Give her the finger? I don't think so.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2007 08:20 AM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba I was shocked, confused, bewildered as I entered Heaven's door, Not by the beauty of it all, by the lights or its decor. But it was the folks in Heaven who made me sputter and gasp-- the thieves, the liars, the sinners, the alcoholics, the trash. There stood the kid from seventh grade who swiped my lunch money twice. Next to him was my old neighbor who never said anything nice. Herb, who I always thought was rotting away in hell, was sitting pretty on cloud nine, looking incredibly well. I nudged the angel, "What's the deal? I would love to hear your take. How'd all these sinners get up here? God must've made a mistake. And why's everyone so quiet, so somber? Give me a clue." "Hush, child," said he. "They're all in shock. No one thought they'd see you."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2007 10:03 AM                        Rated G New Definitions! ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2007 10:09 AM                        Rated G Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life? " " Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker." Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?" "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2007 10:13 AM                        Rated G Two little boys were sitting on the school bus talking. One little boy turned to the other little boy and said, "My grandfather has a wooden leg." The other little boy replied, "So what? My grandma has a cedar chest."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-12-2007 08:16 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Asia was by far my favorite destination,” the woman bragged at the party, though she had never been out of the United States. “Enigmatic and magical, beautiful beyond belief. And China, of course, is the pearl of the Asian oyster.” “What about the pagodas?” a man besides her asked. “Did you see them?” “Did I see them? My dear, I had dinner with them.”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-12-2007 08:19 AM                        Rated G Quirk A horse may be forced to drink, but a pencil must be lead.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-12-2007 01:30 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A friend of mine married a fellow named Sherlock. Easy to remember, I thought, I'll just think of Sherlock Holmes. Not long after, however, I sent out my Christmas cards and my friend called me, laughing. I had addressed their card to Mr. and Mrs. Holmes.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-12-2007 01:49 PM                        Rated G Quirk "In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out." - Joey Adams  |  IP: Logged

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