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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-07-2006 09:43 AM                        Rated G Faye in Kingston, Ont. Interesting Years 1981 & 2005 Interesting Year 1981 1. Prince Charles got married 2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe 3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament. 4. Pope Died Interesting Year 2005 1. Prince Charles got married 2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe 3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament 4. Pope Died Lesson Learned? - The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope .  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2006 05:28 PM                        Rated G Quirk How do amoebas keep in touch? With cell phones.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-11-2006 05:07 PM                        Rated PG Lorraine “I saw you kissing my sister last night!” jeered the brat to the embarrassed teenager. “All right all right! Not so loud,” said the youth. “Here’s a dollar to keep your mouth shut.” “Gee, thank! Wait a minute and I’ll give you twenty-five cents change.” “Twenty-five cents change? What for?” “I like to be fair,” said the youngster, “and it’s the same price for everybody!”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2006 02:19 PM                        Rated G After I filled the Ford's tank at the gas station, I discovered I had no wallet, which meant no cash, no credit cards, no identification. The cashier called her boss, and many questions later, she grudgingly accepted the truck registration and my word that I could be back in about an hour. I drove home. As I entered the house, the phone rang: My wife needed the Ford truck. So I switched to the Toyota and drove back to the gas station. I noticed the gas gauge was low, so I filled up: $43. And then it hit me! The phone call had distracted me at home. I still had no wallet, no cash, no credit cards, no identification. And now I owed $103. The manager was incredulous. With her now holding two registrations, I left once again. When I arrived home, my wife asked, "Did you have a productive day?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2006 04:40 PM                        Rated G Around election time I passed an older gentleman in his yard and noticed he had several signs, each proclaiming support for a different political candidate. "I guess you can't make up your mind," I said to him. "That's not it," he smiled. "My grass was looking a little brown, so I thought I'd put in some fertilizer sticks."  |  IP: Logged Dieter Depypere Master Film Handler Posts: 343 From: Deutsch-Wagram, Lower Austria, Austria Registered: May 2005 posted 12-14-2006 01:43 PM                     Rated G for Christie haters Rated NC-17 for those who actually like Christies... (please do not read in that case ) Service Call at Christie Inc.: Customer: I have a Christie P35GP... Tech: So? Customer: I have a problem with this projector. Tech: Yes... you told me already. =================================================== Christie projectors also do something useful. They can be used to shred prints of flopped movies. =================================================== How many Christie techs do you need to change a used xenon bulb or a jamming douser? No one. At Christie, this is standard. =================================================== Why are Christie projectors green? They are like bananas. Delivered green, riping in cinemas. =================================================== Christie P35 - the first projector with the expiration date in its name.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2006 10:08 AM                        Rated G Bruce The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2006 10:09 AM                        Rated G B.B. "When I was a kid, I could toast a marshmallow over my birthday cake. Now I could roast a turkey!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2006 11:21 AM                        Rated G B.B. - Thoughts On Being Rich - Friendships are priceless, time is invaluable, health is wealth, and love is a treasure! Create a nest egg of beautiful memories that you can dip into from time to time to ease any sorrows. Have the kind of remembrances that raise you up with their worth and keep you there with their wonder. Always have a secret supply of hopes on hand to help you plan your tomorrows. Remember that when you invest in your dreams it is impossible to overpay. Give away smiles, and watch them come back to you a hundred times over. Stuff your pockets with kindness and optimism; there is nothing more precious in the world. May Your Life Be Filled With Riches Today and every day!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2006 11:29 AM                        Rated G B.B. It was Friday and Skip and I were headed out to lunch. "Hey, do you have change for a hundred dollar bill?" I asked as we drove to the restaurant. "I think I do," he said pulling a wad of bills out of his pocket. "Here," he said handing me five twenties. "Great, thanks," I said pocketing the money. "I'll give you the hundred on Monday."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-22-2006 11:01 AM                        Rated G Hank in Simi Valley DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-22-2006 11:08 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. Schizophrenia – Do you hear what I hear? Multiple Personality Disorder – We three queens disoriented are Amnesia – I don't know if I'll be home for Christmas Narcissistic – Hark, the herald angels sing about me Manic – Deck the halls and walls and house and lawn and streets and stores and office and town and cars and buses and trucks and trees and fire hydrants and . . . Paranoid – Santa Claus is coming to get me > Borderline Personality Disorder – Thoughts of roasting on an open fire Personality Disorder – You better watch out, I'm gonna cry, I'm gonna pout, maybe I'll tell you why Obsessive Compulsive Disorder – Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells . . . Agoraphobia – I heard the bells on Christmas Day but wouldn't leave my house Autistic – Jingle Bell Rock and rock and rock and rock . . . Senile Dementia – Walking in a winter wonderland miles from my house in my slippers and robe Oppositional Defiant Disorder – I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus so I burned down the house Social Anxiety Disorder – Have yourself a merry little Christmas while I sit here and hyperventilate And for the Deaf and Dumb..............**SILENT NIGHT**  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-27-2006 03:12 PM                        Rated G Hank in Simi Valley THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS. NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED. SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS. THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN. THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS...! YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU ? GOTCHA  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-28-2006 08:00 PM                        Rated G Did you here about the blind man who was given a cheese grater for Christmas? He said it was the most violent thing he ever read!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-28-2006 08:08 PM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti Why was the baby ant so confused? Because all his uncles were ants.  |  IP: Logged

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