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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-15-2008 02:54 PM
Rated PG
CHICKEN DOO DOO MUCKS UP IOWA ROAD
MASON CITY, Iowa - A truck driver was cited after a load of chicken manure spilled out of his semi, covering a road for more than a mile in rural Cerro Gordo County.
"The end gate failed on the semi and that's what caused it," sheriff's Deputy Frank Hodak said of the spill, which happened Thursday on a two-lane road northeast of Mason City.
Hodak said the driver from Nora Springs, didn't realize there was a problem.
"No, not for a 1 1/2 miles. I think he went to turn on a different road and saw it," Hodak said.
The deputy said he had "no clue" how much manure spilled, but it was a lot.
"The whole southbound lane of the road was completely blocked. It was probably about 3 inches deep," Hodak said.
Heavy equipment, including a skidloader and endloader, was brought in to clean up the mess. The county then dumped sand on the road. Clean up took about 2 hours.
The truck driver was cited by the Iowa Department of Motor Vehicle Enforcement with spilling a load on the highway, several gross over weight charges and improper load securement, the sheriff's office said.
Hodak said the road is fairly busy, but officials were able to divert traffic into the other lane and there were no accidents.
"A lot of people drove through it," Hodak said, adding that hey probably had to wash their cars.
"I had to wash mine," he said. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-15-2008 02:59 PM
Rated PG ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Lorraine
SHOUTING MACAW SCARES OFF BURGLAR AT PET STORE
Watch dogs are a pretty common first line of security for U.S. homes and businesses. Watch birds not so much.
But that didn't stop Merlin, a seven-year-old blue-and-gold macaw who scared off a burglar at a Massachusetts pet store this week. Intruders smashed the front window of Pet Palace in Leominster, about 45 miles (72 km) west of Boston, and as they entered the store the bird began to shout, said store manager.
"When he hears someone come into the building, or the puppies get riled up or whatever, he'll start calling for Rhonda, who is the woman who used to own him. He was screaming for Rhonda and they weren't aware that it was a bird and not a person. And so they took flight rather quickly."
Macaws are a variety of parrot, a highly intelligent group of birds known for their ability to reproduce human speech.
The pet store owner said police figured out what happened when they arrived and heard the bird screaming in the back room. The burglar escaped with just $15 (7.66 pounds) in change.
It was not the first time the bird's voice confused a person.
"He has some really colorful language, so he spends a lot of time in the back of the store. And you really can't tell that it's a bird. He sounds just like a person when he talks, a lot of times people are fooled by that."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-31-2008 06:34 PM
Rated G the little woman
John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."
The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through--over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out.
"Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"
"To tell the the truth, " he replied, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"
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Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
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posted 02-09-2008 01:05 PM
RATED PG
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BCE), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Test of Three?"
"That's correct," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"Well, maybe not..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True, Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated, ashamed, and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher, and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-10-2008 07:16 PM
Rated G to X Rated " The Man Beneath The Sign"
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read,'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?'
'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report.
'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'
'Yes, that's right,' I told her.
'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me,
'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,
'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
7) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
8) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently,his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.'
9) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,'she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won' t let me talk!'
10) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-05-2008 08:15 PM
Rated X ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) Ed in Aurora, Ont.
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
Men are like....
1. Men are like .. Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .... Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .... Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ... Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores .... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like ...... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .... . Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like . Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!
You Got Served!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-10-2008 12:23 PM
Rated G Mr. Hollywood
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1930's - 40's,- 50's, - 60's and 70's !!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking .
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents .
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Football teams had trials and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produce d some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
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