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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2008 08:03 PM                        Rated G Gerry Highway sign: SPEED LIMIT 65 for most cars and some trucks under 8,000 pounds, only if they're empty, unless you weigh over 300 pounds, then divide by six. For additional information call the IRS, which helped write this."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2008 08:40 AM                        Rated G B.B. You Like Chop Suey? Seated next to an arrogant blowhard at a UN dinner was a quiet, Asian gentleman dressed in the robes of one of the Far Eastern countries. The blowhard, in a feeble attempt to make conversation, leaned over and said: "You like soupee?" The Asian fellow smiled and nodded his head. "You like steakee?" The Asian nodded again. As it turned out, the guest speaker at the dinner was our Asian friend who got up and delivered a beautiful 50-minute address on the United Nations' definition of "encouragement to self- reliance" by underdeveloped countries of the world. The speech was flawless in Oxford English. He returned to his place at the head of the table and sat down. Turning to his dinner partner, he asked, "So, you like speechee?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2008 01:28 PM                        Rated G Lorraine I regularly do my exercises first thing in the morning. Immediately after waking, I sternly say to myself, "Ready, now. Up. Down. Up. Down." And after two strenuous minutes I tell myself, "Okay, now try the other eyelid."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2008 01:36 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said, "Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten, miserable beasts I have ever seen." One of the buffalo turned to the other and said, "You know...I think I just heard a discouraging word.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2008 02:14 PM                        Rated G Diane in Mississippi Comments made in the year 1955! That's only 52 years ago! 'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00..' 'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2, 000.00 will only buy a used one.' 'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous. 'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?' 'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.' 'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.' 'Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.' 'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL of DAMN in it.' 'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.' 'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.' 'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.' 'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet' 'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.' 'Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.' 'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.' 'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.' 'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.' 'There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.' 'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.' 'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.' Ah! Memories................................................  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2008 03:03 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Audrey, my 16-year-old daughter, often babysits seven-year-old Jessica, who lives directly across from us. When Audrey started going out with Joe, our next door neighbor, they'd spend hours sitting on our front steps talking. One day Joe was doing his homework at a desk in front of a bay window looking out at our house. After glaring out the window for a while, he finally slammed his books shut. "I can't work here," he told his mom. "I'm in love over there!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2008 03:32 PM                        Rated G Lorraine On June 9th, 1978, Bob Specas attempted to topple 100,000 dominoes at New York's Manhattan Center. Unfortunately, his effort to topple the world record was thwarted during the preparations when a television cameraman dropped his press badge...and set off 97,500 dominoes.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2008 03:36 PM                        Rated R Lorraine At a concert in January 1997, Dave Matthews took to the stage with a note in hand. "I have a message from Bill who is in the 7th row," he announced. "This message is a request. It says 'Dave, PLEASE play 'Lover Lay Down' because if you play that, I will get laid by my girlfriend, Jill.' "Hey Bill, I wrote the damn song," Matthews declared. "If anything, Jill and I should be gettin' it on tonight!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2008 03:39 PM                        Rated G Lorraine One day in January 2003, famed hedge-fund manager Edward Lampert was abducted by three men from his company's car park. The gang soon demanded a multi-million dollar ransom. On Sunday, January 12th, Lampert was released unharmed. Had his family paid the ransom? Not exactly...His kidnappers were caught when they used his credit card to order a pizza.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2008 09:30 AM                        Rated G They're written by Andy Rooney , a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy....... I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person. I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows. I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day. I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world. I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right. I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child. I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way. I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with. I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand. I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult. I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for. I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class. I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular. I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved. I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts. I 've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you. I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds. I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am. I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile. I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them. I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher. I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss. I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere. I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away. I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them. I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks. I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life. I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it. I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2008 02:30 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A young man in a wheelchair entered the library at Bucks Community College with his teacher. She asked if I, the librarian, could recommend any books about people overcoming handicaps. "He was in a car accident a year ago and the doctors say he may never walk again." On impulse, I chose 'The Story of My Life by Helen Keller'. Bruce, the young man, showed little interest when I explained that Helen Keller had been born deaf and blind, managed to overcome this double handicap and became a spokesman for people with serious handicaps. I completely forgot the incident until a few weeks later when Bruce appeared at the library door. "I read the book," he told me in triumph. "I want to thank you. If Helen Keller could overcome what she had, then I knew I could, too." He was on crutches.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2008 02:39 PM                        Rated G Quirk "A new company has developed a Lazy Boy-style recliner. It can handle up to 600 pounds. It tilts up to help overweight people. Didn't that used to be called a forklift?" ~Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2008 02:50 PM                        Rated G Quirk "What a rainstorm we've had. To give you an idea of how much rain we've had, the Chia Pet I got for Christmas last year that I threw away last Friday, is now blocking my driveway." -Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2008 02:29 PM                        Rated G Gerry Delbert and Fletch, two industrial robots, escaped from the engineering lab one Saturday night. They decided to separate, pick up some dates and meet later. A few hours passed and Delbert arrived at the meeting place. He found Fletch standing in front of a mailbox and a fire alarm. "Who are your two friends?" asked Delbert. "Forget them," sighed Fletch. "The short, fat one with the big mouth just stands there, and if you touch the redhead she screams her lungs out.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2008 02:43 PM                        Rated G Rani Andrew You may succeed if nobody else believes in you, but you will never succeed if you don't believe in yourself.  |  IP: Logged

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