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» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Miscellaneous - Part Three (Page 99)

 
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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-18-2007 01:53 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] B.B.

Come said the wind to the leaves one day, Come o'er the meadows and we will play. Put on your dresses scarlet and gold, For summer is gone and the days grow cold.

~ Unknown

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-20-2007 02:04 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Lorraine

A man arrived at his holiday guest-house and met the landlady. "Can you sing?" she snapped.

"No," he replied.

"Well, you'd better learn quickly. There's no lock on the bathroom door." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-20-2007 02:12 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G Lorraine

TOP TEN REASONS TO STUDY GEOGRAPHY:


10. You'll know the way to San Jose.

9. History will make a lot more sense.

8. You'll actually know where those coffee beans come from!

7. One of the most admired women in history, Mother Teresa, was a geography teacher.

6. Michael Jordan was a Geography major so you can be like Mike and make millions of dollars.

5. You might get to meet Alex Trebek.

4. You won't buy an Amtrak ticket from California to Hawaii.

3. You will be able to "find your way out of a paper bag".

2. You can catch all sorts of geography mistakes.

1. "Lost"? No way! [Big Grin]

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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler

Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999


 - posted 10-20-2007 03:41 PM      Profile for Gordon Bachlund   Author's Homepage   Email Gordon Bachlund   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG....

"Little Red Riding Hood" - the true story.......

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-20-2007 08:55 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] B.B.

"The best puns for breakfast are synonym puns."

- Carlisle Teasdale

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-21-2007 10:43 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Lorraine

It was Brenda's first camping experience and as soon as she had pitched her tent, she went for a hike in the woods. Twenty minutes later she rushed back into camp, bruised, bleeding, and limping.

"What happened?" asked a fellow camper.

"I was chased by a black snake!" cried the frightened Brenda.

The camper laughed and retorted, "A black snake isn't deadly."

"Listen," groaned Brenda, "If he can make you jump off a fifty- foot cliff, he is!" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-21-2007 10:52 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Lorraine

A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. One day during practice, there was a horrible accident and the husband was killed.

The wife was extremely dejected. The strong man asked her what she was going to do.

The wife answered, "This is a disaster. I don't know where I'm going to find another man of his caliber." [Eek!]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-25-2007 09:18 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Loriraine

When asked to write a paper on what she was thankful for on Thanksgiving little Allison wrote:

I'm thankful that I'm not a turkey! [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-25-2007 09:24 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] : Lorraine

SCREAMING SKULLS:


Screaming Skulls are human remains that are supposed to be haunted by the spirit that once lived within them. There are many famous Screaming Skulls and these are believed by some to scream the loudest on the anniversary of their death. Often a Screaming Skull has a lurid history, for example The Screaming Skull of Wardley Hall in Manchester, UK. This skull is said to have belonged to one Roger Downes who was decapitated in a sword fight on London Bridge. His head was delivered back to his home at Wardley Hall and there placed in an opening within the wall on the staircase. Some years later, according to legend, a servant found the head, which was now just a skull, and threw it into the moat that surrounded the old hall. That night Wardley Hall was subjected to a terrible howling storm in which screams said to be from the skull were heard. The next day the then owner ordered the moat drained, retrieved the skull and replaced it in the hole beside the staircase. It remains there to this very day. One Screaming Skull in the town of Bettiscombe UK was reported to have dug itself out of the grave it was placed in having been removed from its previous location in the manor house. The screams were supposedly heard by the townsfolk who, by some accounts, were terrified. The Bettiscombe Skull was also returned to its place in the manor house where the screaming and the digging stopped. It seems that in all events it is best to let Screaming Skulls remain where they are happiest. Perhaps not too surprisingly there are those that doubt the veracity of reports concerning Screaming Skulls.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-25-2007 09:27 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Eek!] B.B.

Sign on gate at the pig farm: "No Porking in Driveway." [Smile]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-25-2007 09:30 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] B.B.

Cat Tails ...


Where does a cat go when it loses its tail?

The retail store. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-25-2007 09:40 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Lorraine

QUESTION:
Why didn’t the baby goose believe anything his father said?

ANSWER: He thought it was all papagander. [Eek!]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-25-2007 09:51 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] B.B.

New Old Sayings


Anywhere you hang your @ is home.

The e-mail of the species is deadlier than the mail.

A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

C:\ is the root of all directories.

Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

Too many clicks spoil the browse.

The geek shall inherit the earth. [Eek!]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-20-2007 04:20 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Ed in Aurora, Ont.

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." Doc:"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

Patient: "Is it common?" D

Doc: "Well,It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing tolook at either.

10. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly,so they lit a fire in the craft.Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standingin the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse."But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said,"I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goesto a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he sufferedfrom bad breath. This made him......A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally,there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make themlaugh. No pun in ten did.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-06-2007 08:44 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Ed in Aurora, Ont.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world was a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses
sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.

Teach your children to be polite and courteous in the home and when
they grow up, they'll never be able to merge their car onto the
freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a
man who can't get his pants off.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken? [Big Grin]

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