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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2007 06:53 PM                        Rated G B.B. A Cat's Dictionary Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness. Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty. Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something. Human being: Automatic door opener for cats. Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines. Purrson: A male kitty. Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2007 06:56 PM                        Rated G B.B. Their stage name and what their Momma named them! Alan Alda - Alphonso D'Abruzzo Muhammad Ali - Cassius Marcellus Clay, Jr. Woody Allen - Allen Konigsberg June Allyson - Ella Geisman Beatrice Arthur - Bernice Frankel Fred Astaire - Frederick Austerlitz Jack Benny - Benjamin Kubelsky Milton Berle - Milton Berlinger Irving Berlin - Israel Baline Joey Bishop - Joseph Gottlieb David Bowie - David Robert Jones Mel Brooks - Mel Kaminsky George Burns - Nathan Birnbaum Truman Capote - Truman Streckfus Persons Chubby Checker - Ernest Evans Cher - Cherilyn Sarkisian Alice Cooper - Vincent Damon Furnier David Copperfield - David Kotkin Howard Cosell - Howard Cohen Elvis Costello - Declan McManus Bing Crosby - Harry Lillis Crosby Tom Cruise - Thomas Mapother IV Rodney Dangerfield - Jacob Cohen Doris Day - Doris von Kappelhoff Jimmy Dean - Seth Ward Kirk Douglas - Issur Danielovitch Bob Dylan - Robert Zimmerman  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2007 06:57 PM                        Rated G Groovy You Might Be A Hippie If ... Your hair contains a fully functional eco-system. You've ever put a flower is someone's hair. You child is named after a celestial object. Answering "what's your favorite Dead song?" takes five minutes. Breaking up with your girlfriend leaves you homeless. You carry a picture of Gandhi in your wallet. You're at a funeral and you light a joint after the eulogy. You don't object to being labeled a hippie. There's people you consider family and you don't know their last name. Half your funiture is bean bags. Out of habit, you pass your cigarette to whoever’s sitting next to you. You name you children Bud, Herb, and Mary-Jane. You roll perfect cigarettes. You're still waiting for those flashbacks. People you never met before ask if you can get them some weed. You think 'All You Need Is Love' was written by Ghandi. You can fall asleep in the mud under the rain. You trespass onto private property to pick flowers. If ... hey, what was I talking about?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2007 12:24 PM                        Rated G Lorraine When my husband and I were living in Memphis we ordered Duck Breast from the local 5 star restaurant. I like my duck cooked rare, so I inquired, 'would that be rare duck?' The waiter replied, 'No, it's just a regular old duck... local, I think.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2007 12:30 PM                        Rated G Lorraine It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-18-2007 12:53 PM                        Rated G the little woman Little Known Illnesses AFROPHOBIA: Fear of the return of the 70's hairstyles. DEJA FLU: The feeling that one has had this cold before. HYPOCOINDRIA: Fear of not having correct change. HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX: Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool. HERPES CINEPLEX: Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50. CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER: Herbal-tea addiction. VISACARDITIS: The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit. SONSTROKE: An attack during the reading of a will. ROSWELL-BABY SYNDROME: Irrational fear that one's infant might be an alien. OREOPOROSIS: Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-18-2007 01:03 PM                        Rated G Lorraine We purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared. One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. "For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-18-2007 01:08 PM                        Rated G Diana My daughter couldn't muster the willpower to lose unwanted pounds. One day, watching a svelte friend walking up our driveway, she lamented, "Linda's so skinny it makes me sick." "If it bothers you," I suggested gently, "why don't you do something about it." "Good idea, Mom," she replied. Turning to her friend, she called out, "Hey, Linda, have a piece of chocolate cake."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-18-2007 01:18 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition. The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?" "Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller." The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 09-19-2007 12:02 PM                        Rated G..... A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead." Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-22-2007 07:11 PM                        Rated G Diana Mrs. Treemont: I didn't want to be alone on Valentine's Day, so I put an ad in the personals that said "Man Wanted" and got a hundred responses! Blanche: My goodness, what did they say? Mrs. Treemont: "You can have mine."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-22-2007 07:21 PM                        Rated G B.B. While waiting in line at the Department of Vehicle Services for my personalized license plate, I heard the clerk shout out, "E I E I O." "I'm here," the woman standing next to me answered. Curious, I asked if she was a farmer or maybe taught kindergarten. "Neither," she replied. "My name is McDonald."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-22-2007 07:22 PM                        Rated G Lorraine "Never kick a cow chip on a hot day." -Will Rogers  |  IP: Logged Chris Slycord Film God Posts: 2986 From: 청주시, 경북도, South Korea Registered: Mar 2007 posted 09-29-2007 02:35 PM                     Rated G For all the physics nerds out there. Heisenberg gets pulled over by a cop. Cop: Do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg: No... but I know exactly where I was.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2007 08:01 AM                        Rated G Sheena in Aurora, Ont. The Hormone guide 13 Things PMS Stands For: 1. Pass My Shotgun 2. Psychotic Mood Shift 3. Perpetual Munching Spree 4. Puffy Mid-Section 5. People Make me Sick 6. Provide Me with Sweets 7. Pardon My Sobbing 8. Pimples May Surface 9. Pass My Sweat pants 10. Pissy Mood Syndrome 11. Plainly; Men Suck 12. Pack My S**t and my favorite one. 13. Potential Murder Suspect Forward this information to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh... and men who need a warning. And remember: Money talks but Chocolate SINGS !!!  |  IP: Logged

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