my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Miscellaneous - Part Three (Page 98)

This topic comprises 118 pages: 1  2  3  ...  95  96  97  98  99  100  101  ...  116  117  118

Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2007 12:52 PM                        Rated G Lorraine "Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian." Robert Orben  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-11-2007 09:26 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. This is a great definition: The following is the winning entry from an annual contest calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's contemporary term is: Political Correctness. "Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional minority and by the mainstream media which holds forth the propositionthat it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-12-2007 06:47 PM                        Rated G Marty The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat; it's watching what your friends are eating.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-12-2007 06:51 PM                        Rated G Lorraine QUESTION: Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal? ANSWER: He heard it had great circulation.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-12-2007 06:52 PM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba A quiz program contestant had to identify famous slogans. After several correct responses, he was asked, "Which company originated the phrase 'Good to the last drop?'" The contestant thought for a moment and replied, "Otis Elevator?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-15-2007 11:04 AM                        Rated G Gerry My husband who is an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking noise when going around corners." Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk. Back at the shop he opened the trunk and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this notation: "Remove bowling ball from trunk."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-17-2007 02:40 PM                        Rated G B.B. LOST and FOUND A man received a phone call one day, and the caller asked if he had lost a parrot. He said that he had indeed lost the bird, but wanted to know how the caller located him. The caller said that the bird had landed on his balcony and kept repeating, "Hi, you have reached 555-1234. I can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message at the tone."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-17-2007 02:56 PM                        Rated G B.B. ODE TO PRESCRIPTIONS A row of bottles on my shelf...Caused me to analyze myself. One yellow pill I hope to pop...Goes to my heart so it won't stop. A white one that I take...Goes to my hands so they won't shake. The blue ones (that I use a lot)...Tell me I'm happy when I'm not. The purple goes to my brain...And tells me that I have no pain. The capsules tell me not to sneeze,Or cough,or choke,or even wheeze. The red ones, smallest of them all,Go to my blood so I won't fall. The orange ones,so big and bright,Stop my leg cramps in the night. Such an array of fancy pills; Helping to cure all kinds of ills! But what I'd really like to know...Is what tells each one where to go? Unknown  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-17-2007 03:02 PM                        Rated G Quirk First you tell your friend that you are having an affair. Then your friend asks you ... "Are you having it catered?" THAT, my friends, is the definition of OLD!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2007 12:11 PM                        Rated G Lorraine I used to be a heavy gambler, but now I just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2007 12:46 PM                        Rated G Lorraine The 12-step chocoholics program: NEVER BE MORE THAN 12 STEPS AWAY FROM CHOCOLATE!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2007 12:47 PM                        Rated G B.B. A key ring is a handy little device that was invented so you could lose ALL your keys at once!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2007 12:50 PM                        Rated G Drew A friend of mine was enjoying his new car's powerful sound system by driving along with the volume way up. At a traffic light, he heard someone shout, "Hey, do you mind?" Stopped next to him was a young man in an open convertible. He pointed to an object in his hand and said, "Can't you see I'm on the phone?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2007 12:59 PM                        Rated G Lorraine I used to go to an origami class, until it folded.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2007 01:24 PM                        Rated G thewhiterabbit MY LIVING WILL Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine. She's such a bitch...  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 118 pages: 1  2  3  ...  95  96  97  98  99  100  101  ...  116  117  118

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.