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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2005 02:44 PM                        Rated XXX or D for Disgusting Denny in Yonkers HOW TO POOP AT WORK We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles (or offices) and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers.If there are others in the bathroom,leave and come back again.Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.Pretend it did not happen.If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH:(pay particular attention to this, please) The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist...... can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it.You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm.Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors.Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work.If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall.This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON,or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall.This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion.See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water..... often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper,as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2005 04:22 PM                        Rated G A man stopped his car to ask for directions. Excuse me, Sir. What's the quickest way to town?" "Are you walking or driving?" asked the local man. "I'm driving." "Oh! well, ok, that's the quickest way!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2005 04:29 PM                        Rated G New York City now has a major rat problem. You have no idea how big these rats are until you go to Central Park and take a ride in one of our Rat drawn carriages." ~~David Letterman  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2005 09:31 PM                        Rated G Definition Thesaurus: ancient reptile with excellent vocabulary.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2005 09:39 PM                        Rated G Anonymous Author The eight nations with artic territory have agreed to implement serious policies to keep temperatures cool enough to avoid further melting of the polar ice caps. The first measure is to make Martha Stewart their new queen.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2005 09:44 PM                        Rated G Maggie Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, it's at the end of your arm. As you get older, remember you have another hand: The first is to help yourself, the second is to help others.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2005 07:23 AM                        Rated G Real Signs... Vanity Plates seen on a Mercedes Benz in California . . . WAS HIS Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills . . . Making the last car payment. The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don't drive any better during the week. Quote from the boss: "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you." If you want the world to beat a path to your door, just try to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon. Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money. When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum. "D  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2005 07:24 AM                        Rated G Cutie Did you realize that if 3M and Goodyear ever merged they cold call themselves MMMGood?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2005 07:32 AM                        Rated G A man is racing to the bathroom, a second man is leaving it, and a third man is still inside. Can you guess their nationalities? . . . . . . . Russian, Finnish, and European.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2005 07:39 AM                        Rated G "My brother made a right turn from the left lane and crashed into another car. The other driver jumped out and yelled at my brother. Why didn't you signal? he asked." "What did your brother say?" "He said, 'Why, should I signal? I always turn here.'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-11-2005 07:44 PM                        Rated G PRODUCTS WE COULD DO WITHOUT Fingernail Clippers: That's why we have teeth. Makeup That is Tattooed on: You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you're fifty? Colored Elastics For Braces: As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough. (They also have glow in the dark bands just in case having your underwear stand out under a black light isn't enough for you) Inflatable Furniture: Nothing boosts the ego more than sitting on a couch and popping it. Crayons That Smell: Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them. Fake Eyelashes: You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes. Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers: Kleenex does not get chilly. Rubber Clothing: Because you shouldn't bounce if you fall down the stairs.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-11-2005 07:46 PM                        Rated G Oneliners... If a nickel knew what it is worth today, it would feel like two cents. A lot of pessimists get that way from financing optimists. When you have your head up your butt, 4 of the 5 senses do not work. If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens? Buffet is a French term, It means "get up and get it yourself." Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken? If people talk behind your back, it only means you are two steps ahead. Why is the National Guard in Iraq and the Army in New Orleans? Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. Time isn't on my side. It's on my back.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-11-2005 07:57 PM                        Rated G "How To install a Poor Man's Security System" 1. Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots ...a really big pair. 2. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. 3. Put a dog dish beside it... a really BIG dog dish. 4. Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba, BIG Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition...back in a hour. Don't disturb the Pitbulls; they are already upset."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-11-2005 08:01 PM                        Rated G One night a man - who was in no shape to drive - wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along the road, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." the man said. "And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife." said the man.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2005 12:19 PM                        Rated G You Know You're Getting Old When... You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. You can live without sex, but not without glasses. Your back goes out more than you do. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You buy a compass for the dash of your car. You are proud of your lawn mower. Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. You sing along with the elevator music. You would rather go to work than stay home sick. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?" You answer a question with "Because I said so!" You send money to PBS. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants. You take a metal detector to the beach. You wear black socks with sandals. You know what the word equity means. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television. Your ears are hairier than your head. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. You got cable for the weather channel. You can go bowling without drinking.  |  IP: Logged

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