my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Miscellaneous - Part Three (Page 46)

This topic comprises 118 pages: 1  2  3  ...  43  44  45  46  47  48  49  ...  116  117  118

Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2005 03:34 PM                        Rated G THIS KIND OF STUFF HAS GOT TO STOP IN OUR COUNTRY. We Must Stop This Immediately! Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become! And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader? I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection...Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be! Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror. Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling? I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here! All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2005 04:01 PM                        Rated G Some Thoughts at Your Job I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. Does your train of thought have a caboose? I have a PBS mind in an MTV world. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong. How do I set a laser printer to stun?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-19-2005 09:40 PM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. For those of you who just thought you knew everything,here's a refresher course... **** The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma. *** No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times. *** Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes. *** You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. *** Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older. *** The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum. *** The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache. *** American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class. *** Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you!) *** Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. *** Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin. *** The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first "MarlboroMan." *** Walt Disney was afraid of mice. *** Pearls melt in vinegar. *** The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order. *** It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs. *** A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. *** Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!) *** Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second ? William Jefferson Clinton (Please don't tell me you're SURPRISED!?!!) And the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts. (I know some people like that;don't YOU?) Now you know everything there is to know. Of importance, that is !!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2005 06:40 AM                        Rated B for Beer B.B. Sing for Beer DOH - The stuff that buys me beer. RAY - The guy who sells me beer. ME - The guys who drinks the beer. FAR - A long way to get beer. SO - I'll have another beer. LA - I'll have another beer. TEA - No thanks I'm drinking beer. and that brings me back to DOH!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2005 06:40 AM                        Rated B for Beer B.B. Sing for Beer DOH - The stuff that buys me beer. RAY - The guy who sells me beer. ME - The guys who drinks the beer. FAR - A long way to get beer. SO - I'll have another beer. LA - I'll have another beer. TEA - No thanks I'm drinking beer. and that brings me back to DOH!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2005 09:57 AM                        Rated G "Here's some sad news. Martha Stewart's "Apprentice" show has been cancelled. It's the same old story...hard to get a job when you're an ex-con." --Dave Letterman  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2005 09:59 AM                        Rated G Andrew Twenty-year-olds think that those in their forties are middle age; forty-year-olds think that folks in their sixties are middle age; sixty-year-olds wonder what all the fuss is about.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2005 10:07 AM                        Rated G Confined to bed with his world reduced to his bedroom window, my husband followed our neighbor's progress painting his house. One day Ben noticed that a spot had been missed. He told me and I relayed the message. The area was fixed, and from then on until the entire house had been painted, our neighbor daily painted a greeting to my husband on the side of his house.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2005 10:17 AM                        Rated G Cats Favorite Christmas Songs 1. Up on the Mousetop 2. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas 3. Joy to the Curled 4. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus 5. The First Meow 6. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful 7. Silent Mice 8. Fluffy, the Snowman 9. Jingle Balls 10. Wreck the Halls  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2005 10:34 AM                        Rated G Gerry I have heard women say they can judge how a guy will be in bed from how he dances. I hope that's not true. Because I come from rednecks, and my people invented square dancing. Which means we're so bad at it, we have to have someone tell us what to do, as we're doing it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2005 10:45 AM                        Rated G B.B. Skywriting One clear autumn day, my daughter and I were watching skywriters advertise the opening of a new store in our area. Five planes, flying in perfect formation, spelled out the name, then flew out of sight. Right behind was another plane, flying alone. "What's that plane doing?" my daughter asked. Tongue firmly in cheek, I replied, "Spell check."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2005 12:01 PM                        Rated G Laws of Life: When one wishes to unlock a door but has only has one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von fumbles law) A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale law of destiny) When ones hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of ichiban) Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance so sorry law) When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny awaits law) If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem (law of gravitas) Most problems are not created nor solved, they only change appearances. (Einstein's law of persistence) You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you. (Principle of dingaling) Whenever one wants to connect with the Internet, the call you've been waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth) If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of wasteland) The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of pi eyed) The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of Campbell scoop) Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of ogolly gee!)" Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo.(The donking principle) After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of fatal irreversibility) Arriving early for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else has arrived before you. (Law of de lay) Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway." (Theory of absolute certainty)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2005 12:22 PM                        Rated G For those sarcastic moments... And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...? I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. Does your train of thought have a caboose? Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong. How do I set a laser printer to stun?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-22-2005 01:49 PM                        Rated G Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpecded become the expected? A day for firm decisions! Or is it?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-22-2005 01:55 PM                        Rated PG "Russia announced that due to a lack of animal feed they're feeding their cows confiscated marijuana. They have over 20 tons of it and they are feeding it to the cows. Do you think that's a good idea? Giving their cows marijuana? It's only been a week and already some cows have moved up to crack. In fact, three of them knocked off a seven eleven in Leningrad." ~~Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 118 pages: 1  2  3  ...  43  44  45  46  47  48  49  ...  116  117  118

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.