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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-06-2006 01:23 PM                        Rated G B.B. "We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home." - Gene Perret  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-06-2006 01:50 PM                        Rated G B.B. "Sibling Takings" As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day, I overheard some of the children talking about their siblings. "My brother takes karate lessons," bragged one. "My sister takes gymnastics," said another.Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-06-2006 01:53 PM                        Rated G The sheriff of a small town was also the town's animal Vet. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?" "Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked. "Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it...."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-06-2006 03:28 PM                        Rated G SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. You can live without sex but not without glasses. Your back goes out more than you do. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You buy a compass for the dash of your car. You are proud of your lawn mower. Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking any laws. You call Olan Mills before they call you. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. You sing along with the elevator music. You would rather go to work than stay home sick. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life. You make an appointment to see the dentist. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. Neighbors borrow your tools. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?" You have a dream about prunes. You answer a question with, "because I said so!" You send money to PBS. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants. You take a metal detector to the beach. You wear black socks with sandals. You know what the word "equity" means. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television. Your ears are hairier than your head. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. You got cable for the weather channel. (My uncle calls the Weather Channel "Old Folks MTV.") You can go bowling without drinking. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-06-2006 03:31 PM                        Rated G John & Jacob Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here." The says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy!" A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "Theres no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!" When she told me I was average, she was just being mean. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge." Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!" Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc." A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns,in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents." A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-07-2006 06:41 AM                        Rated G Betsy Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business," always be followed by the word "but"?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-07-2006 06:46 AM                        Rated G Quirk Every time you lend money to a friend, you damage his memory.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-07-2006 06:52 AM                        Rated G Gerry A drunk stumbled out of the Metropole Hotel, fell into a cab and told the driver. "Take me to the Metropole." "We're there," said the cabbie. "OK" said the drunk, taking a 10 dollar bill from his wallet, "but next time don't drive so fast."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-07-2006 06:56 AM                        Rated G "A pat on the back is only a few vertebrae away from a kick in the pants, but it's miles ahead in terms of results." - Unknown  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2006 10:28 AM                        Rated G Betsy We need a secretary at business meetings to take minutes. That gives us the assurance that at any given moment, at least one person is paying attention to what is being said.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2006 10:30 AM                        Rated G B.B. WAYS TO TELL YOU'RE OVER THE HILL You find your foot tapping along with accordion music. You're sitting on a park bench one day and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs. You light the candles on your birthday cake ... and a group of campers joins hands around it and begins singing "Kum Ba Yah." Your insurance company sends you their calendar ... one month at a time. You've noticed that gelatin desserts are a lot tougher to chew these days. Your bed has more options than your car. One of the throw pillows on your sofa is a hot water bottle. It takes a couple of tries to get over speed bumps. You discover that the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag," and "by cracky" have begun creeping into your vocabulary. You hear yourself saying, "Why, I remember when...." more than three times a day. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs. You look both ways before crossing a room.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2006 10:31 AM                        Rated G Ken Give a pig and a boy everything they want and you'll get a good pig and a bad boy.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2006 10:40 AM                        Rated G Gerry I was using my new talking calculator at the supermarket. When I totaled up the money I had spent on junk food, my calculator said, "Have a nice day, Fatso!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2006 10:45 AM                        Rated G Andrew Money still talks, but, if the value of the dollar keeps dropping, it will be talking in a whisper.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2006 10:47 AM                        Rated G Gerry The trouble with telling a good story is that it always reminds the other fellow of a dull one.  |  IP: Logged

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