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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-28-2006 02:09 PM                        Rated G From The Mouths of Babes: These have to be original and genuine - no adult is this creative! STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window." BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?" SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough." Drew (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?" MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?" CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?" JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?" TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?" " Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you , we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-29-2006 08:13 AM                        Rated G Gerry A salesman began his pitch to a housewife: "I want to show you a product that several of your neighbors told me you couldn't afford."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-29-2006 08:28 AM                        Rated G Andrew The problem with being retired is that you never know what day it is, where you're supposed to be, or what you're supposed to be doing. It's much like working for the federal government.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-29-2006 08:30 AM                        Rated G Gerry The rich miss out on one of the greatest pleasures in life, the last payment on an installment plan.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-29-2006 08:36 AM                        Rated G Andrew My plan to eliminate nuclear war is to make missiles so complicated that they can't be fired. This can be accomplished by having the instructions written by the same guys who write the tax forms.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-29-2006 09:13 AM                        Rated G Spaz Keys to conflict resolution: Communication and Empathy. Whether we realize this or not, communication breakdown is often the root of all relational problems. Communication breakdown often stem from misunderstandings from unclear or a lack of communication. Try to put yourself in the mindset or situation of the person with whom you're in conflict. Considering their perspective may help foster empathy and help in conflict resolution. If you are having a problem with someone and want to resolve it, make sure the channels of communication are open.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-29-2006 09:15 AM                        Rated G Chris It was a really hot day at the office. There were about 20 people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on. All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelt. One man said, "Uh oh, someone's deodorant isn't working." A man in the corner replied, "It can't be me. I'm not wearing any."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-29-2006 04:41 PM                        Rated G A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-29-2006 04:46 PM                        Rated G Jeff No matter how much money you make, you always need an extra $40.00 a week. I am sure it was Einstein who first stated: Expense equals salary plus $40. bucks.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2006 09:18 AM                        Rated G Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? A: When you take it off, you wonder where the breasts went.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2006 09:46 AM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti "Kenny, there were two cookies in the jar last night, and this morning there is only one. How do you explain that?" "It was so dark, I guessed I missed it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2006 10:00 AM                        Rated G B.B. WONDER for YOUR WEEK: If you drive your car late at night, are you burning the midnight oil? ~ M. Raymond  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2006 10:20 AM                        Rated G The latest thing in cosmetic surgery is called a 'thread lift.' They say instead of a full facelift, they actually insert a plastic thread underneath your face and then they pull it back, so it's like a mini-facelift. That's great -- until somebody sees the loose thread on your face, pulls it and your whole face unravels. - Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2006 01:27 PM                        Rated G The landlady asked me if I minded making my own bed. I said that I didn't mind, and she said "Great" there's a hammer and nails in the corner.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2006 01:29 PM                        Rated G "I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder." --Craig Charles  |  IP: Logged

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