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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2006 01:32 PM                        Rated G Unbeknownownst to many, there was also a sleeping ugly.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2006 01:34 PM                        Rated G Question: What do you get when a cow gets stuck in an earthquake? Answer: A Milkshake.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2006 02:00 PM                        Rated G Question: What do you get when you cross a leopard with a watchdog? Answer: A terrified postman!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2006 12:49 PM                        Rated G Andrew Why do speakers include the phrase, "Needless to say," then go ahead and say it?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2006 12:55 PM                        Rated G Vicky A hangover is something to occupy a head that wasn't used the night before.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2006 12:56 PM                        Rated G Gerry Why is it that we travel hundreds of miles to get away from everyone at home and then send them postcards that say, "Wish you were her."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2006 12:59 PM                        Rated G Gerry A man dropped in on his neighbor and found the neighbor's wife watching the baseball game. He was amazed, he said, to discover that she was a baseball fan. "I'm not, really," she answered. "But when Joe goes out to the kitchen, I'm the designated watcher."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2006 05:37 PM                        Rated G HOW TO HANDLE STRESS Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world." The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2006 05:39 PM                        Rated G THE FACTS OF LIFE Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternising with the enemy. There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot. Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. Don't worry about the world ending today... It's already tomorrow in New Zealand. (unless you're in New Zealand -then start worrying) Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are. Drive carefully It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.. A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving. A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2006 09:01 PM                        Rated G IDIOTS AT WORK... I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. ADVICE FOR IDIOTS An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes." IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there. IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. IDIOT SIGHTINGS Sighting #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask." Sighting #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?" Sighting #3: At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck. Sighting #4: I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on. Sighting #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man.- "I already got that side."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2006 10:05 AM                        Rated G Gerry Speaker to audience: "As I understand it, it's my job to speak and your job to listen. If you get finished before I do, please let me know"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2006 10:09 AM                        Rated G B.B. How's your Job At... How's your job at the clock company? Only time will tell. How's your job on the new highway? I'm so busy I don't know which way to turn. How's your job at the travel agency? I'm going nowhere. How's your job at the pie company? It didn't pan out. How's your job at the crystal ball company? I'm making a fortune. How's your job on the farm? Problems keep cropping up. How's your job at the sewing shop? Hanging on by a thread. How's your job at the eye glasses clinic? I have clear job objectives.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2006 10:12 AM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti What do you see when the smog clears in southern California? U.C.L.A.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2006 10:14 AM                        Rated G B.B. "Fear is a darkroom where negatives develop." ~ Usman Asif  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2006 10:25 AM                        Rated G Betsy If you ever want to locate missing relatives, rent a cottage at the beach for the summer!  |  IP: Logged

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