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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2006 03:30 PM                        Rated G "I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'Woman'." --Steven Wright  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2006 03:49 PM                        Rated G "Show me where Stalin is buried and I'll show you a Communist Plot." --Edgar Bergen  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2006 03:54 PM                        Rated G Let me ask you something - if someone's lying, are their pants really on fire? -~Jerry Seinfeld!  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 03-23-2006 05:36 PM                        Rated PG..... After the tourist had been served a drink in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?" "Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?" When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?" "Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come from in Alabamer we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2006 03:42 PM                        Rated G Lorraine "You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants." Stephen King  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2006 03:48 PM                        Rated G B.B. MY HOMETOWN WAS SO SMALL... ...the clinic was called Joe's Hospital and Grill ...in order to paint traffic lines, the road had to be widened ...you had to make a reservation to use the parking meter ...during snowstorms, salt was spread using a Salad Shooter ...the local Motel 6 actually only slept six ...during a boxing match, both men have to sit in the same corner ...the class valedictorian had both the highest and lowest GPA ...the Mayor was also the Sheriff, Town Council and street sweeper ...there was no town idiot -- everybody had to take turns  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2006 04:00 PM                        Rated G Gerry What creature is faster than a cheetah? How about a teenager when the phone rings?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2006 04:07 PM                        Rated G B.B. SIGN ON A BEAUTY SHOP: 'For Easter, lettuce cut your hare.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2006 04:33 PM                        Rated G "A new study says that obese people can lose weight if they walk 12 miles per week. As a result Applebee's is intro- ducing a new 12 mile long buffet." --Conan O'Brien  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2006 04:40 PM                        Rated G My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign. Together we make MUD. ~Rodney Dangerfield~  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2006 04:45 PM                        Rated G B.B. Did is a word of achievement, Won't is a word of retreat, Might is a word of bereavement, Can't is a word of defeat, Ought is a word of duty, Try is a word each hour, Will is a word of beauty, Can is a word of power. ~ Unknown ~  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2006 05:01 PM                        Rated G B.B. REPLYING TO THE SCIENTISTS' BALL INVITATION Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm. Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend. Volta was electrified and Archimedes was buoyant at the thought. Ampere was worried he wasn't up on current research. Ohm resisted the idea at first. Boyle said he was under too much pressure. Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience. Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam. Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco. Wilbur Wright accepted,provided he and Orville could get a flight. Dr. Jekyll declined...he hadn't been feeling himself lately. Morse's reply:"I'll be there on the dot.Can't stop now must dash." Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it. Hertz said he planned the future to attend with greater frequency. Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol. Audubon said he'd have to wing it.. Darwin said he'd have to see what evolved. Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he? Mendel was invited because he was a man of breeding. Descartes said he'd think about it. Newton was moved to attend. Pavlov was drooling at the thought. Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2006 05:23 PM                        Rated G Freeway congestion is getting so bad, you can change a tire without losing your place in line. All across the country rush hour traffic is bumper to bumper. The next thing they'll be selling is anti-perspirant to put under your car's fenders. Traffic is always heavy in both directions. There are just as many people trying to get to whatever you're trying to get away from. You have mixed feelings when you see an opening in rush hour traffic. You're glad for the opening, but you wonder who died. It's useless to print roadmaps anymore. You just get on the highway and go wherever the other cars take you. The only way to get home from work on time is to take the day off... even then, you're cutting it close. Traffic is so bad nowadays, a pedestrian is someone in a hurry. You don't even have to brush your teeth anymore. Just get in rush hour traffic, smile, and let someone else's windshield wipers do all the work. You can sit on the highways forever. In fact, some places have little exit ramps where you can pull over and make a car payment. During rush hour the only way you can change lanes is to buy the car driving next to you. Remember the good old days when traffic used to be bumper to bumper? Now it's windshield wiper to windshield wiper. Our highways have become insane asylums with turn signals.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2006 07:49 AM                        Rated G Lorraine My brother asked an elderly friend of his, recently widowed, what she'd do now for transportation since she didn't know how to drive. "Oh, I'll learn," she replied. "It'll be easy for me because I always told my husband what to do anyway."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2006 07:57 AM                        Rated G Andrew I collect contradictory phrases such as postal service, peacekeeping missile and government worker.  |  IP: Logged

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