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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-26-2005 07:48 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Here and There
"Regis and Donald Trump have a Christmas CD coming out. Regis and Donald together. Here's what I'm going to do... on Christmas Eve I'm going to start a big roaring fire and throw the CD into it."
--Dave Letterman
"Boy these rains are unbelievable. You know what I love about rain in Los Angeles? Driving to work in a downpour and seeing everyone's sprinklers on in their front yards."
--Jay Leno
"Saddam Hussein's trial started today. The trial was televised live and many Iraqis were glued to their TV sets – mainly because years ago Saddam had them glued to their TV sets."
--Conan O'Brien
"Strange things happen when you're in debt. Two weeks ago my car broke down and my phone got disconnected. I was one electric bill away from being Amish."
---Tom Ryan
I remember I told my wife, "Honey, I love you, will you marry me?" She said, "If you really loved me, you wouldn't ask me to do this."
-- Rodney Dangerfield
"Pakistan had one of the worst natural disasters ever, up to 50,000 people dead after an earthquake this week. But of course it's not a resort, no supermodels like the tsunami, so it doesn't really get covered. But other nations are trying to help. They've offered food, medicine, corpse-sniffing dogs. New Orleans sent a volunteer team of cops to beat the crap out of survivors."
---Bill Maher
"Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food-preparation area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just WATCHING. Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders, and they had an idea: They could sit on the boulders and watch! This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television."
--Anon
"Why must hailstones always be the size of something else? And if it must be that way, why don't they have hailstones the size of testicles?"
---George Carlin
"I had to go to analysis. They told me I had an unresolved Oedipus complex. Which, according to them, meant I want to sleep with my mother. Which is preposterous. My father doesn't even want to sleep with my mother."
---Dennis Wolfberg
"I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it sure works."
-- Henny Youngman ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-27-2005 06:04 AM
Rated G
HUMOR FOR THE THINKING PERSON
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me,it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do Forest Rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-27-2005 03:36 PM
Rated G
Motherly Lessons
1) My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
2) My Mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
3) My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
4) My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"
5) My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
6) My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
7) My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.
8) My mother taught me about GENETICS... "You are just like your father!"
9) My mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"
10) My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand."
11) My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home."
12) My mother taught me about RECEIVING... "You are going to get it when we get home."
13) And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE... "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."
14) My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE... "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
15) My mother taught me RELIGION... "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
16) My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL... "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-28-2005 06:33 AM
Rated G
Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about;
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. .but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven,do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to ahorrible crisp,which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares,why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables,what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons,does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle,Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere,but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
Relax...Your only purpose in this life may be to recover from some previous life....
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