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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-04-2005 08:20 AM                        Rated G Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, and a good woman, or a bad woman. It depends on how much happiness you can handle.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-04-2005 08:26 AM                        Rated G Nancye WINNERS ARE PEOPLE LIKE YOU Winners take chances. Like everyone else, they fear failing, but they refuse to let fear control them. Winners don't give up. When life gets rough, they hang in until the going gets better. Winners are flexible. They realize there is more than one way and are willing to try others. Winners know they are not perfect. They respect their weaknesses while making the most of their strengths. Winners fall, but they don't stay down. They stubbornly refuse to let a fall keep them from climbing. Winners don't blame fate for their failures nor luck for their successes. Winners accept responsibility for their lives. Winners are positive thinkers who see good in all things... from the ordinary, they make the extraordinary. Winners believe in the path they have chosen even when it's hard, even when others can't see where they are going, Winners are patient. They know a goal is only as worthy as the effort that's required to achieve it. Winners are people like you. They make this world a better place to be.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-04-2005 12:30 PM                        Rated G Getting Older It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker. These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief." Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-04-2005 12:34 PM                        Rated G Robert Fulghum ALL I EVER NEEDED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school. These are the things I learned - Share everything * Play fair * Don't hit people * Put things back where you found them * Clean up your own mess * Don't take things that aren't yours * Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody * Wash your hands before you eat * Flush * Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you * Live a balanced life * Learn some and think and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some. Take a nap every afternoon * When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands and stick together * Be aware of wonder * Remember the little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup---they die. So do we. And then remember the book and Dick and Jane and the first word you learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK. Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and life and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and sane living. Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole world -- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other nations to always put things back where we found them and clean up our messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-04-2005 01:36 PM                        Rated G Two men are occupying booths in a public restroom, when one calls to the other, "There is no toilet paper over here--do you have any over there?" The second man replies, "No, sorry, I don't seem to have any, either." The first man then asks, "Well, do you have a magazine or newspaper?" The second man says, "No, sorry!" The first man pauses, then inquires, "Do you have change for a twenty?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-04-2005 01:41 PM                        Rated G Peter MATTER OF COMMUNICATION There was a nice lady who was a little old fashioned. She was considering a week's vacation in sunny Florida at a particular campground, but she wanted to make sure of the accommodations first. Uppermost in her mind were toilet facilities, but she couldn't bring herself to write "toilet" in a letter. After considerable deliberation, she settled on "bathroom commode," but when she wrote that down, it still sounded too forward, so she rewrote the letter to the campground, and referred to the "bathroom commode" as the "B.C.." "Does the campground have its own B. C.?" is what she actually wrote. The campground owner was baffled by the euphemism, so he showed the letter around to several people at the campground, but they couldn't decipher it either. Finally, the campground owner concluded that she must be referring to the local Baptist Church, so he sat down and responded: "Dear Madam: "I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a full day of it. They arrive early and stay late! "The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the entire time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. The supper is going to be held in the basement of the BC. "I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely from no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather! "If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you to the BC the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. REMEMBER, WE ARE WIDELY KNOWN AS A FRIENDLY COMMUNITY, SO COME ON DOWN AND WE'LL ALL ENJOY THE BC TOGETHER!!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-04-2005 01:49 PM                        Rated R An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls. As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip." The old man snaps back: "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-06-2005 09:35 AM                        Rated G How do you know you're living in Tennessee? You get married for the third time and have the same in-laws. "My objective? Well I object to taking a girl out, you know, and buying her dinner and then she won't put out for you." Emmett Fitz-Hume (Chevy Chase) Spies Like Us "You shouldn't put down a loser, Cindy...because you might be one yourself someday." Carol Brady, The Brady Bunch  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-06-2005 05:01 PM                        Rated G The Moore family was proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. Their line had included senators, pastors, and Wall Street wizards, and a few major league baseball players and Army generals. They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for the children. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose: how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair. But the author said not to worry, he could handle that section of history tactfully. When the book appeared, the family turned to the section on Uncle George. There, they read, "George Moore occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution and was attached to his position by the strongest of ties. His death came as a real shock."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-07-2005 11:48 AM                        Rated G Just when the fields had started to dry up, we had another downpour. When I asked one farmer how he liked the rain, he patted his portly girth and said, "It was a lot like that second piece of pie--it sure was nice, but I just didn't need it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-07-2005 12:09 PM                        Rated G Tiggy The 21st Century.. How true is this??? Our communication - Wireless Our dress - Topless Our telephone - Cordless Our cooking - Fireless Our youth - Jobless Our religion - Creedless Our food - Fatless Our faith - GODless Our labour - Effortless Our conduct - Worthless Our relation - Loveless Our attitude - Careless Our feelings - Heartless Our politics - Clueless Our education - Valueless Our follies - Countless Our arguments - Baseless Our boss - Brainless Our Job - Thankless Our Salary - Very less:D  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-07-2005 12:13 PM                        Rated PG HOW YOU CAN TELL WHEN IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 1. You wake up face down on the pavement. 2. You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. 3. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold. 4. You see a "60 minutes" news team waiting in your office. 5. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. 6. You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any. 7. You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city. 8. Your twin sister forgot your birthday. 9. You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed. 10.Your car horn goes off accidentally & remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. 11.Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache. 12.Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat. 13.The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard. 14.You wake up and your braces are locked together. 15.You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose. 16.You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business. 17.Your blind date turns out to be your ex. 18.Your income check bounces. 19.You put both contact lenses in the same eye. 20.Your pet rock snaps at you.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-07-2005 12:19 PM                        Rated G An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Spokane Hilton. As he paid his bill, he asked the manager, "By the way, what's with the Indian sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived." "Oh that's Big Chief Forget-Me-Not," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as Big Chief Forget-Me-Not because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember even the slightest detail of his life." The travel writer took this in and, as he was waiting for his cab, decided to put the chief's memory to the test. "'Ello, mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?" "Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed. He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-Me-Not's great memory. One local noted to him that "How" was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than "'Ello mate." On his return to the Spokane Hilton six months later, he was surprised to see Big Chief Forget-Me-Not still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick. "How!" said the Aussie. "Scrambled," said the chief.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-08-2005 11:28 AM                        Rated g Gerry I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-08-2005 11:29 AM                        Rated G Gerry The word "aerobics" came about when the gym instructors got together and said, "If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it 'jumping up and down.'"  |  IP: Logged

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