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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2005 09:36 AM                        Rated G Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make ME happy. A beggar asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich." What is a "free gift?" Aren't all gifts free? Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. How can there be self-help "groups"? What's another word for thesaurus? I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. If you want to make a woman nervous, just put her in a room with a hundred hats and no mirror.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2005 09:38 AM                        Rated G Immutable Laws (which cannot be avoided) When one wishes to unlock a door but has only has one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von Fumbles Law) A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale Law of Destiny) When ones hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of Ichiban) Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance So Sorry Law) When things seem to be going well, you've probably forgotten to do something. (Cheney’s Second Corollary) When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law) Most problems are not created nor solved, they only change appearances.(Einstein’s Law of Persistence) You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you.(Principle of Dingaling) Whenever one wants to connect with the Internet, the call you’ve been waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth) If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of Wasteland) The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of Campbell Scoop) Each and every body submerged in a bathtub will cause the phone to ring.(Law of Oh my gawd) Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring.(Law of Oh,golly gee!)" After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of Fatal Irreversibility) Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway."(Theory of Absolute Certainty)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2005 09:41 AM                        Rated G Q: What's green, fuzzy, has 4 legs, and, if it falls out of a tree, can kill you? A: A pool table.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2005 09:43 AM                        Rated G IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell. AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle. IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day. AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior. IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself. IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet! AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat. IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family. IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK ............you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK...........they are called managers.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2005 01:02 PM                        Rated G "We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics." --Bill Vaughan "The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey." --Andy Warhol  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2005 01:06 PM                        Rated G The neighbor dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room. "What's wrong Marge?" she asked. Marge told her that she had "morning sickness." Surprised the neighbor said, "I didn't even know you were pregnant." "I'm not," the harried young woman replied. "I'm just damn sick of mornings!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-15-2005 11:29 AM                        Rated G Gerry A man was appalled when he sat down to pay his family's February bills. "I guess I've just encountered the ghost of Christmas past," he mused.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-15-2005 11:37 AM                        Rated G Quirk I went to see Pavarotti once and I'll tell you this much, he doesn't like it when you join in.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-15-2005 11:41 AM                        Rated G popo My dog is so lazy that he waits for another one to bark and then just nods his head!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-15-2005 11:42 AM                        Rated G Tidbit of Wit Why is it that the best neighbors in the world are always the ones who just moved away? BUMPER STICKERS: "I know what you're thinking... Shame on you!!" Analogy found in High School paper. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-15-2005 11:52 AM                        Rated G Did you hear about the new principal who's been keeping the boys on their toes? He raised all the urinals six inches.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-15-2005 11:53 AM                        Rated G "A train smasked into my bicycle, and I didn't even get hurt." "Why not?" "My brother Dave was riding it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-15-2005 12:11 PM                        Rated G We were in an unfamiliar town, had only ten minutes until the funeral we had come to attend was to begin and had no idea where the home was. My husband dashed into a lumberyard to ask for directions, and one man volunteered to lead us there. As we pulled in behind his car, we knew we had the right guide: His licence plate read, NOS ALL.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-15-2005 12:23 PM                        Rated G HOW'S BUSINESS? Astronomer: It's looking up. Submarine pilot: It has its ups an downs. Oil rigger: Boring. Tree doctor: Knot Two Bad. Carpenter: It's leveling off. Surgeon: I always get a lot out of my patients. Roofer: Customer are sliding off. Boat racer: Sails are dropping. Minister: Prophets are increasingly read. Farmer: The field keeps growing. Air traffic controller: Can't come, plane! Model: The figures aren't all in yet. Aerobics instructor: I'm reducing the bottom line. Beekeeper: Business in humming. Car mechanic: Planning to re-tire. Pizza chef: Making dough hand over fist. Miner: Roughly carving out a living. Highway worker: A bit bumpy. Ballet dancer: Keeps me on my toes. Teacher: Sorry, but that's classified information!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-15-2005 12:53 PM                        Rated G Maggie Yesterday is a cancelled check; tomorrow is a promissory note; today is the only cash you have, so make sure you spend it wisely.  |  IP: Logged

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