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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-22-2005 03:55 PM                        Rated G Bob Real and Interesting Newspaper ADs: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER: 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites. FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighboor's dog. FREE PUPPIES: Part German Shepard, part stupid dog. FREE GERMAN SHEPARD 85Lbs, Neutered:speaks German. FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG: Looks like a rat. Been out awhile. Better be a reward. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED: Also one gay calf for sale. NORDIC TRACK: $300.00 Hardly used, Call Chubby. GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - .89 a pound  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2005 10:00 AM                        Rated G Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, "Be fruitful and multiply." But not in those words.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2005 01:16 PM                        Rated G Returning home on the commuter train after work, my husband and two colleagues occupied three of the spaces in the pairs of seats facing each other, while in the fourth was a stranger. My husband was telling his friends a long story, but they constantly interrupted him. After some time, the stranger turned to one of the men and in a frustrated tone said: "Will you please let him finish his story. I have to get off at the next station."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2005 03:29 PM                        Rated G THE CLOSET DOOR A woman has a problem with her closet door, it was falling every time a bus was passing by. So she called a repair man. The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by. "OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he steps into the closet. At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman. Husband: "What the hell are you doing here!" Repairman: "Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!" Live life to the full and enjoy every day.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-27-2005 11:03 AM                        Rated G "I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago ... I shot my broker." -- Groucho Marx  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-27-2005 11:13 AM                        Rated G It was fun being a baby boomer till now. Some of the artists of the 60s/70s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate the aging baby boomers. They include: 1. Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker 2. The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip 3. Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash 4. Ringo Starr - I Get By With a Little Help from Depends 5.Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face 6.Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now 7. Paul Simon - Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver 8. Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom 9.Marvin Gaye - I Heard it Through the Grape Nuts 10. Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade o f Hair 11. Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping 12. The Temptations - Papa's Got a brand new Kidney Stone 13. Abba - Denture Queen 14. Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times on the Ceiling if you Hear Me Fall 15. Helen Reddy - I am Woman, Hear me Snore 16. Willie Nelson - On the Throne Again 17. Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-29-2005 02:44 PM                        Rated G One snowy evening in a restaurant parking lot, I was busily brushing off my car. Suddenly an attractive young lady appeared and began to help. When I asked the reason for my good fortune, she replied, "I want your parking space."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-29-2005 05:53 PM                        Rated G THINGS YOU DO IN RETIREMENT Q: What most amazes new retirees? A: They're so busy now, they don't know how they ever had time for work. Q: Why don't retirees protest the stereotype that says they're either hyperactive or always napping? A: They're either too busy to care what other people say, or they're asleep. Q: What's the retiree's favorite bumper sticker? A: "Go ahead and pass me. What do I care?" Q: Just how much free time does a retiree have? A: Enough actually to stay on the line until his/her call to the HMO, government agency, or computer help line is answered by a human being Q: What do retirees call a long lunch? A: Normal. Q: When is a retiree's bedtime? A: Three hours after falling asleep on the sofa watching TV. Q: Why don't retiree's mind being called "senior citizen." A: The term comes with a 10% discount. Q: Why do retirees hate holidays? A: There are too many workers with the day off cluttering up stores and movie theaters. Q: What's the best way to describe retirement? A: The coffee break that never ends.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-30-2005 11:46 AM                        Rated G SIGNS DIETING HAS TAKEN OVER YOUR LIFE You just paid $5 for a bottle of water because the label said "low carb." You make your wife wear low calorie lipstick. You spend more time calculating carbs, calories and fat for your next meal than you did preparing your income tax return. You walked past a bakery and punished yourself with two hours on the StairMaster just for window shopping. You can't remember your anniversary, your phone number, or your PIN, but you know the exact carb and calorie count of everything edible in your house. You wonder how many calories are in the communion wafers. Dessert is toothpaste.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-01-2005 12:11 PM                        Rated G IF THEY WROTE CHILDREN'S BOOKS ABOUT the INTERNET... "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Screen of Death" "The Blog of Anne Frank" "How the Grinch Stole Your Credit Card Information" "Green Eggs and Spam" "The Little Search Engine That Could" "Curious George and Parental Controls" "Horton Hears A Hacker" "Charlotte's Web" "Frog and Toad Are Dot Com Startups" "Where the Wild Viruses Are" "Mary Pop Uppins"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-01-2005 08:30 PM                        Rated G "Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence." --Erma Bombeck  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2005 07:09 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora Ont. CA SIGN'S OF OUR TIMES Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." *************************** In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." ************************** On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels **************************************** On another Septic Tank Truck: "We're #1 in the #2 business." ******************************* At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in." ************************** On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." ************************** On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.." ************************** On a Church's Billboard: "7 days without God makes one weak." ************************** At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." ************************** On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?" ************************** At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." ************************** On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." ************************** In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." ************************** On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." ************************** At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." ************************** On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." ************************** On a Fence: Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!" ************************** At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." ************************** Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." ************************** In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" ************************** At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be." ************************** In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up." ************************** In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." ************************** At a Propane Filling Station, "Thank heaven for little grills." ************************** And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-04-2005 12:18 PM                        Rated G Where Does That Time Go? Seven years in a bathroom. Six years eating. Five years waiting in line. Four years cleaning house. Three years preparing meals. Two years trying to return telephone calls to people who aren't there to receive them. One year searching for misplaced things. Eight months opening junk mail.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-04-2005 12:32 PM                        Rated G Popo The Middle-Aged Teapot Song: I'm a middle-aged man, short and stout. Here is my beer gut, here is my pouch. When I get all steamed up, hear me shout: "Where's my remote? It was on the couch!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-04-2005 07:28 PM                        Rated PG The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its annual contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. Here are some of the selected results. -- Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs. -- Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. -- Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. -- Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. -- Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown. -- Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. -- Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash. -- Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. -- Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. -- Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with 'Yiddishisms'. -- Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.  |  IP: Logged

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