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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2005 12:32 PM                        Rated G Try not to see what no one else has seen, but to think thoughts about things everyone sees.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2005 12:47 PM                        Rated G I was working in the sun all day, putting finishing touches on the new deck outside my house. My sister pulled into the driveway, greeted me, and looked over my work. "Wow," she gushed, "you're an expert." Feeling complimented and satisfied, but...trying not to seem egotistical, I responded... "Once you get going, it's pretty easy!" She looked puzzled and wondering if I'd misunderstood her I asked, "What did you just say?" She replied, "I said, your neck's burnt!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2005 12:03 PM                        Rated G Gerry I don't see the purpose of cats. Dogs can protect you, can sniff out things, and can be your eyes if you're blind. Could you imagine a seeing-eye cat? The first person who walks by with an untied shoelace, and you're history.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2005 12:06 PM                        Rated G Alex When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently I was rereading it. It said: "Day one: Still tired from the move. Day Two: Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2005 12:24 PM                        Rated G Lorraine BE YOURSELF Ever since I was a little kid, I didn't want to be me. I wanted to be like Billy Widdledon, and Billy Widdledon didn't even like me. I walked like he walked; I talked like he talked; and I signed up for the high school he signed up for. Which was why Billy Widdledon changed. He began to hang around Herby Vandeman; he walked like Herby Vandeman; he talked like Herby Vandeman. He mixed me up! I began to walk and talk like Billy Widdledon, who was walking and talking like Herby Vandeman. And then it dawned on me that Herby Vandeman walked and talked like Joey Haverlin. And Joey Haverlin walked and talked like Corky Sabinson. So here I am walking and talking like Billy Widdledon's imitation of Herby Vandeman's version of Joey Haverlin, trying to walk and talk like Corky Sabinson. And who do you think Corky Sabinson is always walking and talking like? Of all people, Dopey Wellington - that little pest who walks and talks like me!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2005 12:26 PM                        Rated G When do you see a "Blue Moon"? When a Smurf drops his pants!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2005 12:37 PM                        Rated G What is a clock? ....A non-alcoholic eye opener. ....A device that enables men to rise in the morning. ....Something that gets abused when it does its duty. ....Something that scares the daylights out of you. ....A small mechanical device to wake up people who don't have children.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2005 03:26 PM                        Rated G Faye in Kingston, Ont. CA An Old Farmer's Advice: * Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks, bankers and lawyers at a distance. * Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. * A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. * Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled. * Meanness don't jes' happen overnight. * Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads. * Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. * It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. * You cannot unsay a cruel word. * Every path has a few puddles. * When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. * The best sermons are lived, not preached. * Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway. * Don't judge folks by their relatives. * Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. * Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time. * Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none. * Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. * If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. * Sometime s you get, and sometimes you get got. * The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'. * Always drink upstream from the herd. * Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. * Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in. * If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. * Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2005 04:18 PM                        Rated G Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the Emcee that he desired a question on American History. The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The Emcee stepped up to the mike. "Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?" Bob nodded with a cocky confidence - the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week. "Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?" Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe. "I'll try the second part first." The Emcee nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half." The audience silenced with gross anticipation... "Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2005 02:49 PM                        Rated G Quirk "Feminists miss the big picture. They want us to be concerned about the fact that Barbie, if she were a real woman, would have no internal organs because her waist is too small. I say, Barbie's got nothing to complain about in the missing organ departmant, compared to Ken." --Cathryn Michon  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2005 02:50 PM                        Rated G Gerry Some guy broke into our house last week. He didn't even take the TV. He just took the remote control. Now he drives by and changes channels on us.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2005 03:00 PM                        Rated G "There are two things in life for which we are never truly prepared: Twins." ~~ Mark Twain "Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see." ~~Mark Twain  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2005 03:04 PM                        Rated G Three men appeared before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. He asked the first man, "What was your annual salary?" "$500,000," the first man replied. "I was a trial attorney." Saint Peter asked the same question of the second man. "$200,000," the second man replied. "I sold real estate." Saint Peter then asked the third man the same question. The third man's answer was $5,000." Saint Peter said, "Cool! What instrument did you play?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2005 03:09 PM                        Rated G B.B. SIGN IN A WEIGHT LOSS OFFICE: 'See you lighter.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2005 03:19 PM                        Rated G "You usually know who's going to win pro-wrestling--the guy with the best nickname. Here, from Philadelphia, comes the iron man, Mike 'The Hammer' Armstrong, and his opponent, all the way from Scranton...Eugene!" --Dan Wilson  |  IP: Logged

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