my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Miscellaneous - Part Three (Page 22)

This topic comprises 118 pages: 1  2  3  ...  19  20  21  22  23  24  25  ...  116  117  118

Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2005 01:36 PM                        Rated G Waitress: Hawaii, Mister? You must be Hungary. Gent: Yes, Siam. And I can't Rumania long, either. Venice lunch ready? Waitress: I'll Russia table. What are you Ghana Havre? Aix? Gent: You want Tibet? I prefer Turkey. Can Jamaica cook step on the Gaza bit? Waitress: Odessa laugh! Alaska, but listen for her Wales. Gent: I'm not Balkan. Just put a Cuba sugar in my Java. Waitress: Don't you be Sicily, big boy. Sweden it yourself. I'm only here to Serbia. Gent: Denmark my check and call the Bosphorus, Egypt me. There's an Eire. I hope he'll Kenya. I don't Bolivia know who I am! Waitress: Canada noise! I don't Caribbean. You sure Ararat! Gent: Samoa your wisecracks? What's got India? D'you think this arguing Alps business? Why be so Chile? Be Nice! Waitress: Don't Kiev me that Boulogne! Alemain do! Spain in the neck. Pay your Czech and don't Kuwait. Ayssinia! Gent (to himself): I'll come back with my France and Taiwan on Zanzibar is open.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2005 01:45 PM                        Rated G Proverbs... Platitudes... "The Moral of the Story"... All designed to teach us a lesson, but did you ever notice that they're sometimes quite conflicting? Things like. . . . . Actions speak louder than words. But... The pen is mightier than the sword. Look before you leap. But... He who hesitates is lost. Many hands make light work. But... Too many cooks spoil the broth. A silent man is a wise one. But... A man without words is a man without thoughts. Clothes make the man. But... Don't judge a book by its cover. It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease. But... The nail that sticks out gets hammered. Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. But... Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. But... Better safe than sorry. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. But... Out of sight, out of mind. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. But... It's never to late to learn. Two wrongs don't make a right. But... Turnabout is fair play. He who hesitates is lost. But... Haste makes waste. OR Look before you leap. You can't judge a book by its cover. But... What you see is what you get. Birds of a feather flock together. But... Opposites attract. Ask no questions and hear no lies. But... Ask and you shall receive. Variety is the spice of life. But... Don't change horses in midstream. The pen is mightier than the sword. But... Actions speak louder than words. Don't cross the bridge until you come to it. But... Forewarned is forearmed. Silence is golden. But... The squeaky wheel gets the grease. Clothes make the man. But... You can't judge a book by its cover. The best things come in small packages. But... The bigger the better. A miss is as good as a mile. But... Half a loaf is better than none. An old fox is not easily snared. But... There's no fool like an old fool. Practice makes perfect. But... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. If you lie down with dogs, you'll get up with fleas. But... If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. But... A man's reach should exceed his grasp. There's safety in numbers. But... Better to be alone than in bad company. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. But... Don't beat a dead horse. Hold fast to the words of your ancestors. But... Wise men make proverbs and fools repeat them.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2005 09:39 AM                        Rated G April Fools' Day Origin is not certain. The timing of this day of pranks seems to be related to the arrival of spring, when nature "fools" mankind with fickle weather, according to the Encyclopedia of Religion and the Encyclopedia Britannica. The Country Diary of Garden Lore, which chronicles the goings-on in an English garden, says that April Fools' Day "is thought to commemorate the fruitless mission of the rook (the European crow), who was sent out in search of land from Noah's flood-encircled ark." In medieval times the kings and queens had jesters to make them in a good mood. On April 1st the jesters had a day off and the noblemen had to take the jesters place.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2005 09:44 AM                        Rated G Every day (and night) I get tons of phone calls from telemarketers trying to sell me something. I hate these calls, but I always try to be polite when I say No Thank You. One night, I had a very persistent telemarketer, and no matter how many times and ways I said No thank you, not interested, he would not let up. I finally said, "Listen, I am not financially in a position to buy anything right now. I am broke and on the verge of bankruptcy." Without missing a beat, the telemarketer said to me, "I understand what you mean. Why do you think I have this job right now?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2005 09:50 AM                        Rated G B.B. If we ever get the warning that nuclear bombs are headed our way, or a nuke plant has a radiation leak, I'm going to coat myself with Shake & Bake mix. That way, when everyone else is burned to a crisp, I'll be tender, plump and juicy.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2005 10:01 AM                        Rated G Gas Problem Solved While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign ..... Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2005 10:05 AM                        Rated G Quirk Email Abbreviations Defined Abbreviation #1: whrthfckuben? Previously long phrase: "Goodness, it's been a long time since we've chatted, hasn't it?" Abbreviation #2: utypliksht Previously long phrase: "Say, have you heard that there is a new Evelyn Wood's speed-typing course?" Abbreviation #3: ugoturhdupyrass? Previously long phrase: "Are you sure about that?" Abbreviation #4: sowenugtoutofjail? Previously long phrase: "So, what have you been up to lately?" Abbreviation #5: tkurabbrevsandshuvem Previously long phrase: "Wouldn't you rather just type the whole phrase out?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2005 01:59 PM                        Rated G A woman gets onto a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2005 02:08 PM                        Rated R A local lady, one of our group members, was having breakfast at the fancy Ritz-Carlton restaurant down in Naples, She was making a bit of a fuss, "Now, young man," she demanded of the waiter, "Make sure my toast is crisp, my egg is soft but not runny, and I will not abide sausage with the mixed grill. One sight of sausage makes the short curly hairs on the back of my head stand on end." "What a coincidence," commented the waiter. "Usually just tne sight of short curly hairs makes my sausage stand on end."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2005 02:12 PM                        Rated G THEY LIVED TOO SOON....Published: Chicago Record (1896) George Washington was President and honored in his day, He was the father of the land and all things came his way; He had a basketful of fun, a wagon load of fame— But he never was a rooter at a base- ball game. Napoleon conquered half the world and had a crown of gold, And in his time his cup was just as full as it could hold. It looks from here as though he should have had his share of fun- But he never strained his vocals when the home team won. And also Julius Cesar, who had his share of sport, He won his share of battles, and always held the fort. He killed lots of people, regard- less of the cost— But he never booed the umpire when the home team lost. And also Alexander, he turned most every trick, And then shed tears because there were no more worlds to lick, He climbed 'way up the ladder, as high as people get— But he never pawned his scepter to pay a baseball bet. (Anonymous)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2005 02:16 PM                        Rated G Michele It was a terrible night, blowing cold and snow in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet, freezing, and bedraggled. As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two poppy seed bagels to go, please?" The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?" "That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Sherry." "Sherry is your wife?" asked the baker. "What do you think," snapped the little man, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2005 02:24 PM                        Rated G Michele Antiques have become very popular. Right now, there are 15 million Americans who have things that are old, funny-looking, don't work and are only kept for sentimental purposes. Some of these are called antiques - and the rest are called husbands.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2005 02:28 PM                        Rated PG Our fire department is often called when people get stuck in elevators. Due to design changes, however, our methods sometimes don't work on newer elevators. That was the case once when we responded to a call, and after we tried all our tricks, we had to tell the trapped occupant: "Sorry. There's nothing we can do. You'll have to wait for the elevator repairman to arrive." "Great! Just great!" came the complaint from inside the elevator. "Elevator service was called quite a while ago," we reassured the fellow. "They've already sent a man. He should be here any minute to let you out." The man sighed deeply. "I don't think so. I am the elevator serviceman!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-02-2005 09:43 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A man phones to complain about his listing in the telephone book. "My last name is Sweady but you listed it as Cyirwu!". "Okay, I'll change it and when our new book comes out, it'll be corrected." So tell me how to spell it again said the telephone book manager. "Like I told you before, S as in sea, W as in why, E as in eye, A as in are, D as in double-u, and Y as in you."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-02-2005 09:48 AM                        Rated G Tidbits of Wit My friend admitted she was forty but she didn't say when. Our marriage was a love match pure and simple; she was pure and I was simple. Love is the feeling that you feel when you feel a feeling that you never felt before. Life can be marvelous. Try not to miss it!  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 118 pages: 1  2  3  ...  19  20  21  22  23  24  25  ...  116  117  118

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.