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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2005 09:52 PM                        Rated G Top 5 Real Reasons Queen Elizabeth is Skipping Charles and Camilla's Wedding 5) Hates it when the band makes everyone get up and do the "Chicken Dance." 4) Let's face it, British food sucks. 3) Too worried to see what outfit Prince Harry will wear. 2) Yankees-Red Sox game is on satellite that day. 1) It'll make things less awkward when they get divorced.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2005 09:56 PM                        Rated G Home remedies that REALLY WORK Home Remedies: 1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed. 2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. 4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button. 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.. 7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2005 09:18 AM                        Rated G On a trip to Philadelphia during "the season of potholes," my friend had just asked me to take the wheel. I hadn't driven very far when, with my hand resting on the center of the steering wheel, I accidentally blew the horn. At that moment I also hit a large pothole. "That won't work," my friend quipped. "They won't move."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2005 12:59 PM                        Rated G Spaz Remember those little cliches your parents would use on you when you were growing up? ...And now they are coming out of your mouth!!!! ***"You can do that (whatever) when the cows come home." If they had only let you have the keys to the truck, you could have done so many things! ***"Where in tarnation did you get that?" What's a "tarnation"!? Well, a tarn is a mountain lake. But Webster's Dictionary says, "tar·na·tion - noun - Etymology: alteration of darnation, euphemism for damnation. Date:1790." Uh oh! Now you know! ***"You can't have your cake and eat it, too." As adults we know the truth. If you eat the cake you will have it forever - in gentle rolls all over your body! ***"Be careful with that you could poke someone's eye out." Of course we knew better. We were kids! We were invincible! ***"That'll happen when pigs fly." Hey - look Mom! ***"Money doesn't grow on trees, you know." Just where do they get paper from anyway? ***You knew you were in big trouble when you heard, "Now you've jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire." That one used to really cook my bacon!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2005 01:03 PM                        Rated G Grandpappy You are no longer "cool" when ..... 1. You find yourself listening to talk radio. 2. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears. 3. The pattern on your shorts and couch match. 4. You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit. 5. Your wife buys a flannel nighty and you find that sexy. 6. You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend. 7. You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide- inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Pink Floyd and Black Sabbath. 8. You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining in. 9. You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day. 10. When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate. 11. When jogging is something you do to your memory. 12. Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair. 13. Sex becomes: "All that foolishness." 14. Getting a little action means your prune juice is working. 15. All the cars behind you flash their headlights. 16. You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation. 17. You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes. 18. You actually ASK for your father's advice. 19. You don't know how to operate a fax machine. 20. When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2005 01:07 PM                        Rated G Earthquakes can strike without warning, and being prepared for such a disaster can mean the difference between life and death. Here are some tips to help you and your loved ones make it through a quake: ~ Those living in areas not prone to earthquakes can respond quickly to the plight of disaster victims in quake zones by complacently smirking and saying, "I told you so." ~ To minimize loss and damage in a quake, try not to own things. ~ Practice your burrowing-out-from-under-40-tons-of-rubble skills ahead of time. ~ Look out your window often. If you see a large, zig-zag-shaped crevasse moving rapidly from the horizon toward your home, step either to the right or the left. ~ For those who fear earthquakes, it may comfort you to know that a majority of the damage during the 1906 San Francisco earthquake did not come from the tremors themselves. Instead, it was from the raging, out- of-control fires that consumed most of the city. ~ A doorway is the safest place to be during a quake. Eat, sleep, and work in doorways. ~ Be sure to mail your house-insurance payments a full five business days before a major earthquake strikes. ~ In the event of a quake, get under something heavy, such as a desk, a table, or your boss. ~ If you are caught in a major earthquake in Southern California and are part of the entertainment industry, take a moment or two to reflect on how grossly you've wasted your life.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2005 06:12 AM                        Rated G Michele In search of a new shower for our home, my wife and I went to a bathroom-supply store. We discussed our needs with a young saleswoman. Since it was near closing time, we had to curtail our discussion and made plans to come back the next day to make our final decision. Later that evening, my wife and I were at a restaurant, where the same young lady from the bathroom-supply store was now working a shift as a waitress. As she passed our table, she suddenly recognized us and called to me in a loud voice, "HEY! You're the man who needs a shower!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2005 06:19 AM                        Rated G I was sitting near the balcony door when I heard a thump outside. Looking out, I saw a child's rubber ball on my balcony, so I went and picked it up. When I glanced over the railing, I noticed a girl about five-years-old looking up at me. "Is this yours?" I asked. "No," she replied hesitantly, then added, "but it will be if you throw it back!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2005 06:26 AM                        Rated G Michele Behind every great man is . . . his mother: Mrs. Washington: "Oh George, you never did have a head for money." Mrs. Morse: "Sam, stop tapping your fingers on the table, it's driving me crazy!" Mrs. Lindbergh: "Charles, can't you do anything by yourself?" Mrs. Armstrong: "Neil has no more business taking flying lessons than the man in the moon."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2005 11:05 AM                        Rated R Uncle Bubba The world's greatest charade player brags that he can guess any charade. A TV producer decides to use the charade player in a TV special. He issues a challenge offering the charade player a million dollars to guess a very hard charade on television. The charade player agrees. Comes the big night, all the world is watching. The charade player is sitting on stage in front of a curtain. Music blares and the curtain opens to reveal seven nude young women. The second and fourth ladies are holding their breasts, while the other five have their backs to him and are baring their behinds. The charade player barely glances over them and says, "The William Tell Overture by Rossini." The flabbergasted producer says in awe, "You've done it! That's the correct answer. You are indeed the greatest charade player!" and he hands him a check for a million bucks. Walking out, a reporter stops the charade player and ask him how he did it. "It's really simple," says the charade player. "One look at the positions of the seven women, and I realized it as the William Tell Overture." "Rump... titty... rump... titty... rump... rump... rump."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2005 11:36 AM                        Rated G Michele New Jewish Words: 1. JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that ones favourite celebrity is Jewish. 2. TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember ones lines when called to read from the Torah at ones Bar or Bat Mitzvah. 3. SANTA-SHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of the neighbours celebrate Christmas. 4. MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it. 5. BUBBEGUM n. Candy ones mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children. 6. CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper. 7. DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when. 8. DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes. 9. GOYFER n. A Gentile messenger. 10. HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after ones Bar Mitzvah. 11. JEWDO n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking ones way out of a tight spot. 12. MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make. 13. MEINSTEIN - slang. "My son, the genius." 14. MISHPOCHADOTS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on ones face and collar after kissing all ones aunts and cousins at a reception. 15. RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbours live in the same condo building as you. 16. ROSH HASHANA-NA-NA n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn. 17. YIDENTIFY v. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor. 18. MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan. 19. FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food. 20. DIS-KVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med. school or business as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification. 21. IMPASTA n. A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover. 22. KINDERS SHLEP v. To transport other kids in your car besides yours. 23. SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out ones wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy. 24. SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur. 25. TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetiser one finds out has pork  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2005 11:45 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Having discovered my cache of Easter eggs, my six-year-old son sat me down for a serious confrontation. "Okay, I know you're the Easter Bunny, and I'm pretty sure you're Santa Claus." He paused and searched my face. "Tell me the truth now! Are you God too?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2005 11:49 AM                        Rated G 20 Worst Things To Hear At A Nuclear Power Plant Fission shmission, relax, I'll increase the water level after my coffee break. Was that "Open valve A and close valve B" or was it the other way round? This whole plant will be running under Windows tomorrow. HEY! Is smoke coming out of the core normal? Who forgot to pay the water bill? We got 12 seconds to WHAT???? Meet your new plan superintendent: Bozo the clown. A leak? Can't you fix it with duct tape or something? Oh yeah! 50 bucks says I can make it blow. It's Russian technology. Move over Three Mile Island - here we come!!! Sniff, sniff.... you smell that? I used to work at Chernobyl. All the way to the RIGHT, not LEFT you dummy! It's your turn to wax the core. How come all the big shots are leaving? Is that a 60 minute film crew out there? Is this part really necessary? OF COURSE I went to high school. Didn't finish it, though. Look at the good news: we are going to find out whether people actually glow in the dark.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2005 11:54 AM                        Rated G We senior citizens often joke about our failing memories and were tickled when we overheard our neighbour's middle-aged son remark, "Gee, Dad, you'll soon be able to hide your own Easter eggs."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2005 11:59 AM                        Rated G The Top Signs It's Time to Clean Out Your Medicine Cabinet "For refill, ring KI3-3800 The leeches look like they might have turned. Funny, you don't *remember* being prescribed mouse turds. The dim glow from the bathroom is keeping you awake -- but you don't have a night-light. A tiny cockroach rehab clinic has been set up between the aftershave and the aspirin. Why keep that Preparation H? It was the worst-tasting toothpaste EVER. The drill bit you use to let the "bad ayre" out of your skull can't be sharpened. Your nosy neighbors leave the bathroom saying, "Don't touch me." The Brylcream can go -- the last time you ran your fingers through your hair was when you cleaned out the drain. There's a skeleton on the other side with a note saying, "Hi, Guy!" and the Number 1 Sign It's Time to Clean Out Your Medicine Cabinet... Was there ever really a "Preparation A?"  |  IP: Logged

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