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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2005 12:01 PM                        Rated G My friend's sister was to be married on short notice but still wanted an elaborate wedding. The invitations were ready to be mailed when someone noticed that there were no inserted cards inviting guests to the reception. Undaunted, the mother of the bride typed up a note, made 280 copies and enclosed one with each formal invitation. Family and friends were surprised to read: "Conception immediately following the ceremony in the grand Ballroom of the Holiday Inn. "Everyone is invited."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2005 04:02 PM                        Rated G I decided to warm up before heading out cross-country skiing. I firmly planted my hands on the trunk of my car and stretched my legs behind. A young girl and her father passed by and I heard the child ask, "Daddy, aren't you going to help her push?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2005 04:08 PM                        Rated G 'Bullfighting is the number-one sport in Latin America.' 'That's revolting!' 'No, that's the number-two sport.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2005 04:16 PM                        Rated G 25 Ways to Annoy a Northerner: 1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING. 2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two. 3. When giving directions, finish with "and it's right down yonder on the left." Confuses the mess out of 'em. 4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying. 5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!" 6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball. 7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke. (This really does annoy 'em!) 8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus. 9. Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air. 10.Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie-John Michael-Jim Bob. . .you get the idea) 11. Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it." 12. Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady". 13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "Pah-kahn" not "Pee-can". 14. Put Tabasco on everything. 15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!",say "Well, I'll be darned, is there a downstate NewYork?" 16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . .preferably the banana ones. 17. Name all of your children "Bubba". (or just call em that!) 18. Use the word "reckon" in a sentence and watch their reaction. 19. "Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school. 20. Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something. 21. Tell them you don't have an accent, they do. 22. Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations... Offends the heck out of 'em. 23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there..." "You said left." "Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town.." 24. Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend. 25. Call 'em a Yankee. Works every time.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2005 04:18 PM                        Rated G Quirk "Kirstie Alley's new show "Fat Actress" starts next week. "Fat Actress", that's the name of the show. So if you haven't done it, now is the time to buy a widescreen TV."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-27-2005 06:45 AM                        Rated G Easter Fun Facts...The National Confectioners Association offers the following bits of information about Easter traditions: -The first chocolate eggs were made in Europe in the early 19th century and remain among the most popular treats associated with Easter. -According to the Guinness World Records the largest Easter egg ever made was just over 25 feet high and made of chocolate and marshmallow. The egg weighed 8,968 pounds and was supported by an internal steel frame. In the United States: -Seventy-six percent of people eat the ears on chocolate bunnies first. -Ninety million chocolate Easter bunnies are made for Easter each year. -Sixteen billion jelly beans are made for Easter. -Each day, five million marshmallow chicks and bunnies are produced in preparation for Easter. -Easter is the second top-selling confectionery holiday, with Halloween in first place. -Eighty-eight percent of adults carry on the Easter tradition of making Easter baskets for their kids. -Red jelly beans are kids' favorite.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-27-2005 06:53 AM                        Rated G "My car has this feature that I guess is standard, because it was on my last car, too. It has a rotating gas tank. Whatever side of the pump I pull up to, it's on the other side." --Rita Rudner  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2005 01:09 PM                        Rated PG DARWIN AWARD The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices: 1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop specializing in handguns. 2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers. 3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police car parked at the front door. 4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a .38-caliber semiautomatic pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9mm semiautomatic pistol, the clerk with a 10mm semiautomatic pistol. Several customers also drew their guns. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Police Capt. Don Persson said, "The surprising thing is that the man had to walk right past a marked police car to get in the front door." No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2005 12:51 PM                        Rated G Gerry After speaking for more than two hours without pause,the eminent scholar finally looked up from the podium and apologized for going on so long. "You see, I haven't got a watch with me," he tried to explain. "Fine," shouted a heckler, "But there's a calendar on the wall."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2005 01:04 PM                        Rated G B.B. Since we say a herd of cattle, a pack of wolves, and a pride of lions, maybe it should be: * a piddle of puppies * a wince of dentists * a lurch of buses * a wrangle of philosophers * a shrivel of critics * a descent of relatives.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2005 01:07 PM                        Rated G WORD for the WEEK: I love doing crossword puzzles. I think it keeps the neurons in the ol' brainpan firing which is, I hear, one of the keys to warding off Alzheimer's Disease. Plus they teach you to think in different ways, you learn new words, there's a sense of accomplishment when you can finish one and hey, they're just fun. This week's word is one which you are likely to see only in crossword puzzles or old poems; "snickersnee." The word means a large knife or sword, but it can also mean a fight with knives. It started out as the phrase "steake or snye" (a variation on a Dutch phrase meaning to thrust or cut) and was used mostly by pirates in the 15 and 1600s. Eventually the phrase was modified to "stick or snee" and then by the early 1700s had been combined into the one word we have today, though it's rarely heard.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2005 01:09 PM                        Rated G Newfangled Analogies... some attention-grabbing analogies found in high school papers... "She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again." "The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't." "McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup." "From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30." "Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake." "He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree." "The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease." "Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph." "The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can." "The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2005 01:14 PM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba Two very old, very retired friends went fishing together. They sat in their boat for four hours, neither of them moving a muscle. An hour later, one friend said to the other, "Damn it, that's the second time you've shifted your feet in the last forty minutes. Did you come out here to fish or to dance?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2005 01:27 PM                        Rated G BUMPER Stickers: If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer. Money Isn't Everything, But It Keeps The Kids In Touch. I still Miss My Ex... But My aim Is Getting Better. Beautify Texas. Put A Yankee on a Bus. Wisconsin: Smell Our Dairy Air! It's crazy when you figure boxers get all that money for fighting, and hockey players do it every night for free. (When they play!)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2005 01:33 PM                        Rated G Jack hadn't been to a class reunion in decades. When he walked into this latest one, he thought he recognized a woman over in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in greeting, saying, "You look like Helen Brown." "Well," the woman snapped back, "you don't look so great in blue either!"  |  IP: Logged

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