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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2005 09:39 AM                        Rated G Michele If you think technology has changed the work world, just take a look at what's happening in never-never land. A recent update reports that today: Little Bo Peep never loses sheep because of their embedded silicon identity chips. Cinderella searches for her prince on Match.com - and leases her pumpkin-colored SUV at Avis.com. Hansel and Gretel use the GPS rather than breadcrumbs but have reported problems stuffing the wicked witch into her microwave oven. To avoid travel stress, Alice now plans her Wonderland vacation with velocity.com. A reformed Ebenezer Scrooge sends Bob Cratchett to update his certification for Excel and Quiken. Jack's making a fortune on his beanstalk bioengineering breakthrough. Old McDonald uses voice recognition to make ordering easy at his agricultural auction site EIEIO.COM. Romeo and Juliet avoid tragic problems by keeping in touch through their cell phones. With her early Web capabilities, Charlotte is now a motivational speaker at tech conferences around the world. The Pied Piper switched career fields after his tunes were bootlegged on Napster. King Arthur has replaced that expensive round table with satellite videoconferencing. Gulliver is on sabbatical using up all his frequent flyer miles. Jack and Jill order their Evian on peapod.com.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2005 09:40 AM                        Rated G Michele I'm dyslexic and attended a conference about the disorder with a friend. The speakers asked us to share a personal experience with the group. I told them stress aggravates my condition, in which I reverse words and letters when I'm tense. When I finished speaking, my friend leaned over and whispered to me, "Now I know why you named your daughter Hannah."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2005 09:42 AM                        Rated G GOOD, BAD, WORSE GOOD: You find an Armani suit on sale at a terrific price! BAD: It needs a little work at your alterations shop. WORSE: The tailor there has never seen an Armani suit before... GOOD: The tests are positive - you're gonna' be a dad again! BAD: You really can't afford another kid on your pay. WORSE: You haven't told your wife... GOOD: Your daughter has been chosen Head Cheerleader! BAD: She's been sidelined by a persistent rash. WORSE: It's jock itch... GOOD: Your mother in-law makes a chocolate cake you love! BAD: You get home and she's come for dinner, apparently empty- handed. WORSE: No, she's brought your cake. It's in the den with her luggage... GOOD: You went for the 100,000 mile, head-to-tail warranty on the RV. BAD: You watch the odometer pass 99,999... WORSE: when a cloud of white smoke fills the passenger compartment. GOOD: The kids are getting really good at surfing the Internet! BAD: You worry about all the sicko porn sites out there! WORSE: You get a bill for hosting a website - Kidporn.net GOOD: You're enjoying Parent's Night at Millard C. Fillmore Jr. High school... BAD: until a school counselor urges therapy for both your son & daughter. WORSE: You only have one kid... GOOD: You've got the nicest gardens in town thanks to Mario, your gardener. BAD: Your wife beams when she talks of the hours spent helping him. WORSE: She doesn't have a suntan... GOOD: You're the man! You'll go to the National Trade Show with the Boss. BAD: Hotel space is tight. You will share his suite for a week. WORSE: On the flight down, he tells you you're cute... GOOD: Your daughter loves a nice young man, the owner of the local hair salon. BAD: There's a rumor going around town that he's gay. WORSE: Your wife guarantees you that he's not...  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2005 09:48 AM                        Rated G Michele REDNECK HAIKU - for those with finer sensibilities BEAUTY Naked in repose Silvery silhouette girls Adorn my mudflaps REMORSE A painful sadness Can't fit big screen TV through Double-wide's front door OPTIONS Unemployment's out. Hey, maybe I can get on Disability BLAZE Distant siren screams Dumb-ass Verne's been playing with Gasoline again EXUBERANCE Joyous, playful, bright Trailer park girl rolls in puddle Of old motor oil ALONE Seeking solitude Carl's ex-wife Tammy files for Restraining order DESIRE Damn, in that tube-top You make me almost forget you are my cousin OFFERINGS Tonight we hunger Grandma sent grocery money To Jimmy Swaggert DRAMA Set the VCR Dukes of Hazzard Marathon At 9 O'Clock DEPRIVED In WalMart toy aisle Wailing boy wants 'rassling doll Mama whups his ass NO SIGNAL White noise, buzzing static Call Earl; satellite dish needs new descrambler IMPOUNDED Sixty-five dollars And cyclone fence keeps me from My El Camino GATHERING In early morning mist Mama searches Circle K for Moon Pies and Red Man PRIDE Grinning, he displays The nine hundred beer cans Filling pickup bed  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2005 09:50 AM                        Rated G My dear friend, a divorcee, never remarried, and her daughter wanted to know why. "The men I know would bring too much heavy baggage to the marriage and I simply don't want to put up with it," she explained. Taking her mother's hand in hers, my friend's daughter said sweetly, "I hate to break the news to you, Mom, but you're not exactly carry-on yourself."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2005 09:35 AM                        Rated G Michele Studying the Oregon Commercial Motor Vehicle manual afforded me the opportunity to learn this important driving factoid: "According to accident reports, the vehicle that trucks and buses most often run into is the one in front of them."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2005 09:41 AM                        Rated G While my wife was out of town, our rabbi's wife borrowed a fancy pie pan. It was returned a few days later filled with an apple pie. When my wife asked where the pie came from, I told her it was baked by our rabbi's wife, who said she never returns something without filling it up. "Good, you should let her borrow our checkbook," she replied.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2005 09:45 AM                        Rated G Michele While down in Houston Texas on a visit, I had a dinner date with a local lady I had met on the Internet. When I went to pick her up she answered her door attired in a very low-cut, tight fitting, black dress. My eyes approvingly roving the lovely scenery before me, I commented, "That's certainly a beautiful dress." "Sho 'nough?" she asked sweetly. "Yes, It sure does," I slowly replied....  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2005 09:55 AM                        Rated G Linda: "What's that you're reading?" Jill: "A diary." Linda: What's in it? Jill: "I can't tell you that. A diary is a highly personal and confidential affair, It has important secret dreams and secret yearnings. It's private. It's not meant to be shared lightly with other people. And besides, this diary belongs to Margaret."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2005 09:58 AM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers Recently,I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway,I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage,I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So,I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think,since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway,I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table,and see that there is only one checkleft. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter,and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only one check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long,and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2005 10:31 AM                        Rated G Lorraine I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn't do anything. So anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just flick that switch up and down...up and down...up and down. Then one day I got a call from the woman who lives in the apartment next door. It just said, "Cut it out!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2005 11:04 AM                        Rated G Dennis More Bizarre Newspaper Headlines Cause of AIDS Found - Scientists Doctor Testifies in Horse Suit City May Impose Mandatory Time for Prostitution Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One Kicking Baby Considered to Be Healthy Why You Want Sex Changes With Age Boys Cause As Many Pregnancies As Girls Cemetery Allows People to be Buried by Their Pets Man Held Over Giant L.A. Brush Fire Antique Stripper to Demonstrate Wares at Store Sudden Rush to Help People Out of Work Deadline Passes for Striking Police  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2005 10:41 AM                        Rated G Michele A Manhattan restaurant has recently begun allowing patrons to get naked for their monthly "Clothing Optional Dinner." The Top 5 Surprises at a Nudist Restaurant 5> When you take out your credit card to pay, the cashier bends over and asks you to swipe it. 4> The napkin goes *under* your lap. 3> Waiters no longer have to take the soup back to the kitchen in order to get their revenge. 2> Thanks to its extended "sneeze" guard, the salad bar looks like the popemobile. and the Number 1 Surprise at a Nudist Restaurant... 1> "I beg your pardon, sir -- I thought you were signaling for the check."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2005 10:43 AM                        Rated R I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a simple stage direction. My copy of the script clearly said, "Enter Juliet from the rear."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2005 10:44 AM                        Rated PG Michele A two-headed lamb has been born in China. Do you know what they would call that in the South? A double date.  |  IP: Logged

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