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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-12-2005 01:09 PM                        Rated G Lorraine We had set up a hobby beehive at our family cottage, and now only needed some bees. My aunt said she knew a man who had a bee farm and could supply us with them. I asked if we'd have to pay. "Of course you will," she replied with a grin, "there are no freebees."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-12-2005 01:13 PM                        Rated G "Hard to believe it's February. The Super Bowl is over. The football season is over. You know what that means guys... It's time to take down those Christmas lights." --Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-12-2005 01:18 PM                        Rated G Two intrepid explorers met in the heart of the Brazilian jungle. "I'm here," declared one, "to commune with nature in the raw, to contemplate the eternal verities and to widen my horizons. And you, sir?" "I," sighed the second explorer, "came because my young daughter has begun violin lessons."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-12-2005 01:24 PM                        Rated G B.B. Love is in the Air...Maybe? If you have ever wondered how you can tell if you're really in love, just ask your- self this question...."Would I mind being destroyed financially by this person?" If you want your marriage to sizzle remember this: When you're wrong, admit it. When you're right, keep your mouth shut! Adam to Eve...."Do you still love me?" Eve to Adam..."Who else?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-12-2005 01:38 PM                        Rated G Gerry A nickel goes a long way these days. You can carry it around for weeks before you find something to buy with it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-12-2005 01:49 PM                        Rated G Dennis Do Re Mi Beer - by Homer J. Simpson DOUGH... The stuff that buys me beer. RAY... The guy that sells me beer. ME... The guy who drinks the beer FAR... The distance to my beer. SO... I think I'll have a beer. LA... La la la la la la beer. TEA... No thanks, I'm drinking beer. That will bring us back to... (Looks into an empty glass) DOH!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-15-2005 01:40 PM                        Rated G A Joke of Genius Question: What did the DNA say to the other DNA? Answer: Do these genes make my butt look fat?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-15-2005 01:42 PM                        Rated G I had a terrible nightmare last night. I dreamt I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-15-2005 01:46 PM                        Rated G The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime that you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you will get it wrong.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-16-2005 09:43 AM                        Rated G Michele "How To Be A Good Husband" ** He consistently spills things in the same location as to avoid making more than one stain in the carpet. ** He sees to it that he doesn't always sit in the same place on the couch, to avoid making those unsightly twin-divots. ** He masters the art of halfway-communication so that he can watch TV and still answer: uh huh, oh, I see what you mean, etc. at the right time. ** He is able to avoid use of the same excuse two-times-in-a-row. ** He has learned that a new vacuum cleaner, iron, etc. do not make acceptable anniversary presents. ** Admits with only minor prodding that watching Monday Night Football together does not constitute a "date" or family home evening (where applicable). ** Has learned all of the childrens' names so that he doesn't have to refer to them as, "Hey, you there". ** Knows the proper time to give a sincere compliment and also the proper time to say something such as, "It's definitely an interesting dress."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-16-2005 09:46 AM                        Rated G Elaine Most hierarchies were established by men who now monopolize the upper levels, this depriving women of their rightful share of opportunities to achieve incompetence.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-16-2005 09:49 AM                        Rated G Michele I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I finished with it, because he needed to keep it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-17-2005 09:37 AM                        Rated G Michele BIZARRE FESTIVALS: CHEESE-ROLLING (U.K, May). Cheese-rolling has taken place on the slopes of Cooper's Hill, near Birdlip in Gloucestershire, since the 15th Century. When the cheese is released, competitors run down the hill and attempt to catch it before it reaches the bottom. The event was permanently cancelled when eight people were injured in 1992. DAY OF THE DEAD (Mexico, 2 November). According to Indian folklore, this is the day when the deceased return to life. Families conduct macabre graveside picnics, offering food to the dead, and then tuck into a feast of their own, eating chocolate coffins, sugar wreaths and fancy breads adorned with skulls and crossbones. GOTMARR FESTIVAL (India, September). During the full moon, the 45,000 inhabitants of Pandhura divide into two groups and start hurling rocks at one another until sunset. In 1989, there were 616 casualties, including four deaths as a result of the event. GRANDMOTHERS' FESTIVAL (Norway, July). First held at Bodo in 1992, the festival sees grannies riding motorbikes, racehorses skydiving and scuba diving. The star of the inaugural event was 79-year-old Elida Anderson who became the world's oldest bungee-jumper. RUNNING OF THE SHEEP (U.S., September) Reedpoint, Montana stages a gentle alternative to Spain's famous Running of the Bulls. Hundreds of sheep are released down Main Street for six blocks. There are also contests for the ugliest and pretties ewes while shepherds assemble to recite poetry.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-17-2005 09:38 AM                        Rated G Quirk Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-17-2005 10:01 AM                        Rated G W.C. Fields' 12-step program... 1. "I drink therefore I am." 2. "There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation." 3. "Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times." 4. "Start every day with a smile and get it over with. 5. "The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep." 6. "Anything worth having is worth cheating for." 7. "Never give a sucker an even break." 8. "Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth." 9. "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words." 10. "Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife unless she's a beauty." 11. "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar." 12. "Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad."  |  IP: Logged

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