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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-24-2005 10:41 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Favorite Pick Up Lines
They may or may not be the best way to win someone over, but they are certainly a conversation starter, and if delivered right, may garner a good laugh.
Your eyes are the color of my Porsche.
I must be dead because this is certainly Heaven.
Somebody better call God and tell him he's missing an angel.
Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
Hi. My name is Mark Gates. Maybe you know my dad, Bill?
What's your sign?
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call "fine print"!
Excuse me, do you have any raisins? How about a date?
Didn't I see you on the cover of Vogue?
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I'm sorry. Were you talking to me? No, oh - well then, please start!
If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I'd be walking in my garden forever.
Hi. I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
Do you believe in love at first site or shall I walk by again?
If God made a woman more beautiful than you, I hope He kept her for himself.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-26-2005 10:26 AM
Rated G ![[Wink]](wink.gif) Michele
My wife and I were having lunch at a fashionable eatery in Annapolis when we noticed what looked like a familiar face at the next table. Screwing up my courage, I asked, "Excuse me. Aren't you Marlin Fitzwater, the former White House press secretary?"
"Yes, I am," he acknowledged, and graciously interrupted his lunch to talk to us.
As we were leaving the restaurant, I remarked to the hostess, "Do you know you have Marlin Fitzwater on the terrace?"
"I'm not sure about that," she replied, "but we have Perrier and Evian at the bar." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-26-2005 10:29 AM
Rated PG ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) Michele
I borrowed my brother's minivan to pick up a couple of stools from the furniture store. Halfway there I got a flat. It was 2 degrees Fahrenheit outside, I had no gloves and it took me 10 minutes just to get the frigging hubcap off (which I broke).
Once the hubcap was off I found that they had a wheel lock on there. The key wasn't by the spare so I popped open the glove box, but the key wasn't in there either. Instead, the glove box was packed with Kotex Maxi Pads for "Heavy Flow Days". There were enough blood-pads in there to staunch the wounds of the entire Iraqi army.
I changed the tire, picked up the stools and headed back to return the van--wondering the entire time what the hell she needed that stockpile for. I mean, a supply like that means you can't wander too far from home. I told my brother and sister in-law what happened, and my brother asked how long it took for me to find the key for the wheel lock. My sister-in-law blanched.
"Well," I chuckled, "once I realized that it wasn't beneath the 8000 miles of 'Heavy Flow' Kotex, I found it in the arm rest." My brother and I laughed as his wife screamed and ran away.
"Damn, man, what's the deal?" I asked.
"She has a long cycle..."
"A long cycle? A long cycle? If you stack those things up on the beach they can absorb the next tsunami."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-26-2005 10:34 AM
Rated G Michele
You Know You Grew Up In The 80s or Early 90s If:
1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word "Psych".
2. You watched the Pound Puppies.
3. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Belair" and you can do the "Carlton".
4. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.
5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
6. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
7. You know that "WOAH " comes from Joey on Blossom.
8. You know what Parachute Pants look like and feel like.
9. If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock".
10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars... and playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect.
11. You can sing the entire theme song to "DuckTales " (Woo ooh!)
12. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday Morning to watch cartoons.
13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
14. You saw the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" on the big screen... and still know the turtle's names.
15. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
16. You had big hair and you knew how to use it.
17. You played the game "MASH" (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House).
18. You wore a stonewashed Jordache jean jacket and were proud of it.
19. L.A. Gear....need I say more?
20. You wanted to change your name to "JEM". (She's truly outrageous.)
21. You remember reading "Tales of a fourth grade nothing" and all the Ramona books.
22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF".
23. You wanted to be a Goonie.
24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing.
25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.
26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
27. You took lunch boxes to school... and traded Garbage Pail kids in the schoolyard.
28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
29. You still get the urge to say "NOT " after every sentence.
30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.
31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band.
32. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hook up.
33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.
34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes.
35. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying, "I know you are, but what am I?"
36. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"
37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.
40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonald's.
41. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement.
42. You remember Popples.
43. Your motto was "Don't worry, be happy."
44. You wore like, FOUR pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.
45. You wore socks scrunched down and over your tight jeans.
46. You remember boom boxes. . and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.
47. You remember watching both "Gremlins " movies.
48. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!!"
49. You remember watching "Rainbow Bright" and "My Little Pony".
50. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.
51. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.
52. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool... and don't even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB".
53. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell," The ORIGINAL class.
54. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.
55. You just sang those words to yourself.
56. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird.
57. Homemade Levi shorts. (the shorter the better)
58. You remember when mullets were cool!
59. Frizzy hair was IN.
60. You still sing "We are the World"
61. You tight rolled your jeans.
62. You owned a bannana clip.
63. You remember "Where's the Beef?"
64. You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' about Willis?"
65. You're still singing shot through the heart in your head, aren't you!!!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-28-2005 10:16 AM
Rated G B. B.
"What Democracy Means to Me" by Johnny Carson
To me, democracy means placing trust in the little guy, giving the fruits of nationhood to those who built the nation.
Democracy means anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united by a single dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs away from people of all races, colors, and creeds.
Democracy is having time set aside to worship - 18 years if you're Jim Baker.
Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.
Democracy means freedom of sexual choice between any two consenting adults; Utopia means freedom of choice between three or more consenting adults. But I digress.
Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto - usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money.
Democracy means a thriving heartland with rolling fields of Alfalfa, Buckwheat, Spanky, and Wheezer.
Democracy means our elected officials bow to the will of the people, but more often they bow to the big butts of campaign contributors.
Yes, democracy means fighting every day for what you deserve, and fighting even harder to keep other weaker people from getting what they deserve.
Democracy means never having the Secret Police show up at your door. Of course, it also means never having the cable guy show up at your door. It's a tradeoff.
Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.
Democracy is being able to pick up the phone and, within a minute, be talking to anyone in the country, and, within two minutes, be interrupted by call waiting.
Democracy means no taxation without representation, and God knows, we've just about had the hell represented out of us. It means the freedom to bear arms so you can blow the "o" out of any rural stop sign you want.
And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head--this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.
I thank you. ~Johnny Carson
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-28-2005 10:35 AM
Rated G
A few months before I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small Tennessee town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around to welcome me into the world a few months later.
As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me the word of God, and Dad taught me to obey it. But the stranger?
He was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies. If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.
Sometimes Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to her room and read her books. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)
Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity,for example, was not allowed in our home... not from us,our friends or any visitors. Our long-time visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.
My Dad was a teetotaler who didn't permit alcohol in the home, not even for cooking. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing. I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... and NEVER asked to leave.
More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first.
Still, if you were to walk into my parents' den today you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.
His name? We just call him TV.
Note: This should be required reading for every household in America!
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