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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-31-2005 05:12 PM                        Rated PG ANGER MANAGEMENT When I have the occasional bad day and need to take it out on someone, I don't take it out on my loved ones anymore... I got the idea one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I had his number on speed dial ), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. "Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Don Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole." Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, asshole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!" "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 2 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew. NOW, I feel better. This anger management stuff really works.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-01-2005 07:18 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Without fail -- rain, hail, sleet or snow -- my dad rode his bike to work. However, when he retired, to replace his biking he started walking every day. On one occasion, he met his friend, who asked, "How are you doing, Rick?" Dad replied proudly: "I just went for my beauty walk. What do you think?" His friend looked him up and down and replied with a smile,"You didn't walk far enough."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-01-2005 10:38 AM                        Rated PG Dennis Child Support Agency Forms The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing fathers' name details. 1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night. 2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps. 3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks. 4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had It replaced. 5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again. 6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise. 7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look The same to me. 8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? 9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom. 10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized. 11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after All when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-01-2005 10:43 AM                        Rated G Dennis [Here are some actual answers from contestants who have appeared on the game show "Family Feud."] Q: Name something a blind person might use: A: A sword. Q: Name a song with moon in the title: A: Blue Suede Moon. Q: Name a bird with a long neck: A: A penguin. Q: Name an occupation where you need a torch: A: A burglar. Q: Name something you wear on the beach: A: A deck chair. Q: Name something red: A: My cardigan. Q: Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers: A: A horse. Q: Name a number you have to memorize: A: Seven. Q: Name something you put on walls: A: Roofs. Q: Name something that doesn't have an engine: A: Dishes. Q: Name something you might be allergic to: A: Skiing. Q: Name a non-living object with legs: A: A plant. Q: Name a part of the body beginning with "n": A: Knee.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2005 09:29 AM                        Rated G Michele Politically Correct Little Red Riding Hood There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them. Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house. "But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?" Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form. "But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?" Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until all womyn were free. "But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?" And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical womyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community. "But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?" But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health". Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off. Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors. Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of t he woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models. On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers. She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own personhood, and chose to dialogue i with the Wolf. She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity." The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone." Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develp and alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way." Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house. But because his status outside of society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments. Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role as wise and nurturing matriarch." The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you." Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!" "You forget that I am optically challenged." "And Grandma, what an enormous and fine nose you have." "Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child." "And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!" The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly. "Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding in a new level of intimacy!" The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her. At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax. "Hands off!" cried the woodchopper. "And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams." "Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head. "Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I though I was a goner." "No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?" "Sure" said the Wolf. "Thanks." "I feel your pain," said the Wolf, giving a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2005 09:37 AM                        Rated G B.B. Mom's answering machine Hello- This is your Mother! If you want my advice: PRESS 1 If you want to argue: PRESS 2 If you want your father to drive you somewhere: PRESS 3 If you want to leave a message: WAIT FOR THE TONE If you want to aggravate me or borrow money: HANG UP!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2005 09:48 AM                        Rated G Quirk "They say atomic radiation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them." --Johnny Carson  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2005 09:51 AM                        Rated G Willow Boys and Girls Are Born Equal But Not the Same "Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same. 1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose. 2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there. 3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess. 4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun. 5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages. 6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is a mess. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public. 7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instintively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls. 8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches. 9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm. 10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt. 11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy. 12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises. 13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row. 14. Girls grow into women. Boys grow into bigger boys.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-04-2005 11:45 AM                        Rated R Michele A clip from "The Tonight Show" out takes (censored) shows Johnny Carson introducing sex symbol actress Raquel Welch in the mid- 70's. She was appearing to promote a new film. When Johnny introduced her, she came on stage dressed in her usual provocative fashion... but was also carrying a rather large house cat. Judging by Johnny's look, the cat wasn't part of the rehearsal. After much audience jubilance, Raquel took her seat next to Johnny with her cat resting on her lap. The first words out of her grinning mouth were, "Johnny, would you like to pet my pussy?" Without missing a beat, Johnny replied, "I'd love to, but your cat's in the way."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2005 11:28 AM                        Rated G Quirk Despite the name, K-Y Jelly doesn't go that well with peanut butter.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2005 10:06 AM                        Rated G Two horse thieves were arrested by a posse of cowboys, who decide to hang them for their crimes. Unable to find any trees, the cowboys take the rustlers to a bridge and tie a rope around the first man's neck. Unfortunately, the rope breaks and the theif falls into the river below and he swims off to safety. As they tightened the noose around the second man's neck, he manages to stammer... "I sure hope t-t-this is a strong rope." "Why's that?" asks one of the cowboys. "Because," gulped the thief, "I can't swim!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2005 12:00 PM                        Rated G Willow Funny Statistics 1. Average life expectancy ( in seconds ) of an enemy soldier in a Chuck Norris film : 4 2. Number of men who have written letters proposing marriage to Vanna White : 3506 3. Age most people stop believing in Santa Claus : 8 Age most people stop believing in politicians : 7 4. Number of chemical elements in the universe : 104 In a glass of New Jersey tap water : 98 5. Number of "Yuppie-dramas" now being developed by the 3 major networks : thirtysomething 6. Number of days into baseball season before Cleveland Indians are written off as pennant contendors : 5 7. Average powder base ( in inches ) on Aspen ski slope : 17 On Tammy Bakker : 1/4 8. Salary of the average Pro Wrestler : $47,500 /yr. If Pro Wrestling didn't exist : $4.25/hr. 9. Number of things that annoy Andy Rooney : 2,000,000 Number of people annoyed by Andy Rooney : 23,000,000 10. Average miles per gallon you can expect if a car maker's ad says " 30 mpg, city" : 23 11. Number of pe.ople who aren't doctors, but play them on TV : 57 Who aren't doctor's but play them in hospitals : 5,840 12. Number of pe.ople in the history of air travel who have been able to get a $99 Maxsaver fare to coast : 2 Restrictions for that fare : 237 13. Percentage of the public that understand the new tax code : 11% Percentage of accountants who understand it : 9% Percentage of IRS employees who understand it : 6% 14. Number of people who work for the government : about half 15. Number of Americans who believe any of the statistics on this page are accurate : 2,478,644 Who believe TV Evangelists are trustworthy : 2,478,644  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2005 12:08 PM                        Rated G Michele A Chap walks up to another chap in a pointed hat and says: Chap - You're Merlin aren't you? Merlin - Why yes. It's nice to be recognized! Chap - Bit of a Wizard I hear? Merlin - Well yes, I've been told I'm skilled. Chap - Do tricks and things...don't ya... Magical stuff? Merlin - Magical... yes that's correct. Chap - Turn kings into frogs...and that sort of thing. Is that right? Merlin - Well, yes... I suppose I could turn a king into a frog! Chap - Ever mucked up...Ya know, made a mistake? Merlin - Well, yes...hasn't everyone? Chap - Can you reverse a curse? Merlin - Yes I can... with knowledge of who applied the curse and the actual words of enchantment, I could do it. Why? Chap - I'm Cursed. Merlin - Really... and how long have you been bewitched? Chap - Years... Merlin - Do you know the words spoken over you to lay this curse? Chap - Yeah...can't forget them! Merlin - What were they? Chap - Something like... Do you take this women to be your lawfully wedded wife...  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2005 12:17 PM                        Rated G B.B. Teen's Thought For The Day: "The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug." Parent's Thought For The Day "There are two great injustices that can befall a child. One is to punish him for something he didn't do. The other is to let him get away with something he knows is wrong."--Robert Gardner Coach's Thought For The Day "Whining isn't everything." Deep Thought For The Day: "A woman's place is in the House... or the Senate."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-08-2005 10:19 AM                        Rated G Michele It's hard being human. Look at the prototypes-Adam & Eve. That's a lot of pressure being the first people. You make one mistake, *everybody* hears about it. You're constantly answering embarrassing questions about how you messed up; "Okay for the five millionith time, I was sitting around, minding my own business, and she goes... 'Want a bite?'"  |  IP: Logged

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