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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-05-2005 10:01 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) B.B.
Peter Kay One Liners
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said,"Are you going to help?" I said,"No, Six should be enough."
You know that look women get when they want sex? No? Me neither.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,'Thyroid problem?'
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-06-2005 09:43 AM
Rated G Michele
You can do anything if you want it bad enough. That is why we see so many people who can fly. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Of course, so does falling down a flight of stairs. (Richard Doty, Washington)
Never say die. I've tried, and it doesn't actually make people die. (Tom McCudden, Durham, N.C.)
Never underestimate your ability to overestimate your ability. (Donna Lewis, Vienna)
Laughter is the best medicine, but in certain situations the Heimlich maneuver may be more appropriate. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
It takes a village to raise a child to hate all of the people in the next village. (Charles Star, New York)
The key to someone's heart is never lost: It's just that the locks were changed 'cause you're some sort of psycho. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
You have to learn to crawl before you can grovel. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you're probably the executioner. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
Every dog has his day. Of course, his day consists of smelling other dogs' butts. (Mark Briscoe, Arlington)
You've got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince. But he probably isn't going to be interested in some frog-kisser. (Amanda Richards, Palatine, Ill.)
True beauty is on the inside, where no one will ever see it. (David Iscoe, Washington)
One person can make a difference, if that person is, like, Bill Gates or whatzisname, the speaker of the House of Representatives. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Aspire to greatness. But remember that no one ever assassinated a refrigerator repairman. (Bird Waring, New York)
A high tide lifts all boats, except those with a big gaping hole in the bottom.
There are none so blind as those who have been in an accident at a fertilizer factory. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
You can run but you can't hide, except apparently along the Afghan-Pakistani border. (Bob Wallace, Reston)
Say not that honor is the child of boldness, nor believe thatthe hazard of life alone can pay the price of it; it is not the action that is due, but to the manner of performing it. You got all that? Me neither. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
Every failure is a step to success up a ladder that will eventually collapse under the weight of all those failures. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-11-2005 10:32 AM
Rated G Michele
One of the world's greatest scientists was also recognized as the original absent-minded professor.
One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find it."
When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it."
"You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it, otherwise I won't know where to get off."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-11-2005 10:39 AM
Rated G B.B.
Is It Love?
Bill and Steve are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," Bill says.
"Thought?" Steve asks. "What do you mean?"
"Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me," Bill says.
"Wasn't that love?" Steve asks.
"No, that was obsession," Bill explains. "Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand me."
"Wasn't that love?" asks Steve.
"No, that was lust," Bill replies. "And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her on that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."
"Well, wasn't that love," asks Steve.
"No. That was motion sickness!" Bill replies.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-12-2005 11:15 AM
Rated G Chris
A bloke is sitting by his car at the side of the road looking unhappy. A passer-by sees his glum face and asks what the problem is.
"I've locked myself out of my car," replies the man.
"That's not a problem," replied the passer-by, "Step out of the way, and let me try rubbing my bottom on the door."
The motorist is a bit perplexed, but reckons there's no harm in it in letting the man try - besides, it might be worth a laugh.
The passer-by turns his bottom to the car and slowly rubs it up and down the driver's door.
Suddenly, the lock opens and the passer-by turns and opens the car door.
"That's amazing!" says the motorist, "How did you do it?"
"It's easy," replies the pedestrian, "I'm wearing khaki trousers."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-13-2005 12:48 PM
Rated G LAS In CT
SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
A person's left hand does 56% of the typing on average.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
..............Now you know everything.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-24-2005 10:13 AM
Rated G
One Liners
Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"
"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"
Why do we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years .... then we met.
Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.
Sign in pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
I see your IQ test results were negative.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving
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