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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-21-2005 11:24 AM                        Rated G Outta the mouths of babes... On the way to the bakery I saw some kids playing "Wedding". The bride's gown was a yellow shower curtain, gathered at the waist with a piece of red garden hose, and the curtain trailing way behind her. Her veil was mosquito netting, topped by a blue cop car bubble as a tiara. The groom was attired in a grey lab coat with a charcoal black piece of truck tire inner-tube as a wide cummerbund belt. His coat trailed a bit too, but did not quite hide the fact that instead of to a traditional ball and chain, his leg was chained to a tricycle. The mother-in-law carried the traditional rolling pin but the father-in-law had a plastic space ray look water gun instead of the traditional shotgun. The preacher was wearing a white bath robe backwards and a trucker style cap, also backwards. Just as I was walking past them, I heard the preacher sing out: "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be held against you, forever and ever. If you want to kiss the bride, you better have an attorney present." [ 04-28-2005, 10:56 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-21-2005 01:31 PM                        Rated G I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. ~~Unknown  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2005 10:26 AM                        Rated G The Top 5 Things Overheard at a Wal-Mart Wedding 5. "If that creepy yellow smiley face comes by one more time, I swear I'm going over to sporting goods to buy some ammo." 4. "I'm sorry, miss, but shoplifting an iPod does not qualify as your 'something borrowed.'" 3. "Great -- we finally get the entire wedding party crammed into the photo machine, and Bubba runs out of quarters!" 2. "Pre-nup in aisle seven!" and Number 1 Thing Overheard at a Wal-Mart Wedding... 1. "Jewish tradition or not, buddy, you broke that glass and you're gonna pay for it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2005 10:27 AM                        Rated G Quirk Under a sign that said "Employees Must Wash Hands," someone scribbled: I waited and waited, but I finally washed them myself.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2005 10:28 AM                        Rated G A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the auditorium went out. He asked members of the audience to raise their hands and wave. As soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again. He then said, "Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying: 'Many hands make light work."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2005 10:36 AM                        Rated G Just Think About This! Money doesn't go as far as it used to, but it does go faster. Frogs have it easy; they can eat what bugs them. Life is a mystery to be Lived, Not a Problem to be Solved. A dry cleaner was indicted for money laundering. A deal is being ironed out. They told the sexton and the sexton tolled the bell. Earning money would be fun if it wasn't so taxing.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2005 10:38 AM                        Rated G I Wonder??? Ever wonder why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? Does a kindergarten teacher have to know how to make the little things count. Do the eggs in monasteries go out of the frying pan and into the friar? If you crossed a pig with a karate expert would you get a pork chop? If you had a talent for fibbing, would you have liability?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2005 10:45 AM                        Rated G After getting his car repaired for the third time that month, my friend lamented to the repairman, "What I need is a money machine." "I'd like one too," he said. "You already have one," my friend observed. You've got my car."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2005 10:49 AM                        Rated G Real Questions Asked of Librarians "Do you have books here?" "Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?" "Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?" "I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, 'Waltzing through Grand Rapids'." (Actual title wanted: "Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend") "Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title: "Satanic Verses") "Where is the reference desk?" This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying "REFERENCE DESK"! "I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?" "Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hairdryer?" "Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?" "Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?" "I need a color photograph of George Washington [Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.]" "I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington's birth certificate." "I need to find out Ibid's first name for my bibliography." "Why don't you have any books by Ibid? He's written a lot of important stuff." "I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck." "Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk) "I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2005 10:54 AM                        Rated G Best sellers "Home Maintenance"....by Duane Pipe "Growing up in the Balkans".....by Hugo Slavia "Irish Winter Tales".....by Pete Moss "Increase Your Brain Power"....by Sarah Bellum "Looking Into the Wishing Well"....by Eileen Dover "How to Write a Mystery Novel"....by Page Turner "I Got Away With Murder"....by Scott Free "Winning Big".....by Jack Potts "Vacation Spot in the Tropics"....by Sandy Beech "I Always Enjoy the Darkness"....by Gladys Knight  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-29-2005 01:33 PM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba The positive side about having a beer belly. - You're less likely to be pestered by annoying sorority girls. - It doubles as a convenient TV tray for nachos and beer. - It's a great way to meet cute female cardiologists. - Extra gravity makes it that much less likely you'll ever be thrown free of the earth into deep space. - Your bellybutton can store up to eight quarters for the parking meter.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-29-2005 01:34 PM                        Rated G Mochele I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-29-2005 01:36 PM                        Rated G Michele BONEHEAD AWARD, goes to police officer Craig Clancy in San Antonio, Texas. Cop accidentally shoots man while on toilet An off-duty policeman's gun went off twice as he pulled down his pants to use the toilet, injuring a man. Officer Craig Clancy was attending a car auction in San Antonio when nature called. As he undid his trousers, the gun fell from its holster. Officer Clancy tried to catch it, but accidentally fired two bullets when his finger grabbed the trigger by mistake. Police spokesman Gabe Trevino told KSAT news: "As Clancy tried to stop the gun from hitting the ground, his finger entered the trigger guard, which cause the weapon to go off twice. "The first bullet went through the wall of the cubicle and through the pants of a man, grazing his leg." The injured man, who was washing his hands at the time, was taken to hospital. The Texan police department for internal affairs is investigating the incident.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-01-2005 11:51 AM                        Rated G Faye in Kingston, Ont. Ca THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2004: Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [imagine that!] Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [no, really?] Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [now that's taking things a bit far!] Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [not if I wipe thoroughly!] Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [what a guy!] Miners Refuse to Work after Death [no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!] Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [see if that works any better than a fair trial!] War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!] If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,It May Last Awhile [you think?!] Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [who would have thought!] Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [they may be on to something!] Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!] Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the battery charge!] New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [weren't they fat enough?!] Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what he gets for eating those beans!] Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken?] Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!] Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!] And the winner is.... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Did I read that sign right? We all need a good laugh, keep on smiling  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-01-2005 11:58 AM                        Rated PG Denny in Yonkers An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles" asked one official,"You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress,and the damage he's done." The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued,"Considering all these events,in your opinion,where did the white man go wrong?" The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it; No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing,All night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled ....."Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."  |  IP: Logged

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