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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-06-2005 08:36 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Quirk
For Those who Reed and Right
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-11-2005 01:32 PM
Rated PG Hank in Simi
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone, "to relax," I told myself, but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job.I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka.I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either.One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life.
She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker.One day my former boss called me in.He said, "Hank,I like you, and it hurts me to say this,but your thinking has become a real problem.If you don't stop thinking on the job,you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about.I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed "I've been thinking.."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.I headed for the library,in the mood for some Nietzsche,with NPR on the radio.
I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors.
They didn't open.
The library was closed.
To this day,I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.As I sank to the ground,clawing at the unfeeling glass,whimpering for Zarathustra,a poster caught my eye.
"Friend,is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.You probably recognize that line! It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.
I never miss a TA meeting.At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was Porky's.
Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-16-2005 12:58 PM
Rated G
A Rare Clean Joke. ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one: ![[thumbsup]](graemlins/thumbsup.gif)
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree .
He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-16-2005 01:01 PM
Rated G
Profundities of zen philosophy
1. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.
2. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE, NIGHT.
3. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.
4. I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT...... IT WASN'T FAMILIAR TERRITORY.
5. 42.7 PERCENT OF ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT.
6. 99 PERCENT OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME.
7. I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.
8. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.
9. REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.
10. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST.
11. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.
12. THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE CHEESE.
13. I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.
14. SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.
15. MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK.
16. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.
17. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.
18. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE!
19. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.
20. ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST, AND BE PROUD OF IT!
21. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.
22. HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN PSYCHO-KINESIS? RAISE MY HAND.
23 . OK, SO WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK?
24. HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?
25. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKED SOMETHING.
26. WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE.
27. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.
28. EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT HAVE FILM.
29. IF BARBIE IS SO POPULAR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER FRIENDS?
30. HOW MUCH DEEPER WOULD THE OCEAN BE WITHOUT SPONGES?
31. EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES.
32. WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?
33. I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING OUT.
34. I COULDN'T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES, SO I MADE YOUR HORN LOUDER.
35. WHY DO PSYCHICS HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR NAME?
36. INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED?
37. JUST REMEMBER ....... IF THE WORLD DID NOT SUCK, WE WOULD ALL FALL OFF.
38. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR BRIGHT ......... UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-18-2005 10:14 AM
Rated G
Kirk was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. Kirk took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" Kirk asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" Kirk asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" Kirk asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said Kirk, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife Kim."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
Kirk replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf and sex."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-19-2005 02:15 PM
Rated G
Mental health quiz
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time.
This little test should get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked
the Director which is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub,
we offer a teaspoon,a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."
Okay, here's your test:
(Those with an abnormal tendency will scroll to the bottom to get the answer before taking the test.)
1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor.
"A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon."
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"No,"answered the Director."A normal person would pull the plug."
So how did *you* do?
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