my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Miscellaneous - Part Three (Page 28)

This topic comprises 118 pages: 1  2  3  ...  25  26  27  28  29  30  31  ...  116  117  118

Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-01-2005 02:07 PM                        Rated G For the first time,my wife was playing charades.She indicated she was going to act out one word,held up her hand and fluttered her fingers while moving her arm down. "Rain!" I called out. She shook her head no and went on to other pantomimes of her word. I gave up and took the word card from her hand. There,written in large letters,was the word reign. Puzzled, I said, "But Dolores, why did you say I was wrong?" "It wasn't spelled right," she explained.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-01-2005 02:09 PM                        Rated G On her way to work, a colleague of mine had fallen and grazed her knee. At the office I told her where the first-aid metal box was kept, and she left to get a bandage. When I saw her later that morning, I noticed that she had a large bulky dressing on her finger. "I thought it was your knee you injured when you fell. What happened to your finger?" I asked. She replied, "I sliced it on the first-aid box and had to go to the doctor to get it stitched!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-03-2005 01:18 PM                        Rated G A fellow told me he was going to hang-gliding school. He said, "I've been going for three months." I asked, "How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?" He said, "All of them."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-03-2005 01:21 PM                        Rated G Gerry I drive a junky car. I never take care of it, or change the oil. The other day a dashboard light came on that said, "We need to talk."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-04-2005 05:27 PM                        Rated G Did you hear that the US Postal Service is issueing a new stamp based on the theme of the oldest profession in the world? It's a 37 cent stamp, but its 40 cents if you want to lick it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-08-2005 12:40 PM                        Rated G B.B. THE TYPES OF CARS DIFFERENT OCCUPATIONS/CELEBRITIES WOULD DRIVE: -A Bostonian auto dealer would drive a Celica (Sell-a cah) -A camel driver might drive a Caravan. -A cop would drive a Citation. -A film star might drive a Celebrity. -A furrier drives a Sable. -A harness driver drives a Pacer. -A member of the National Park Service might drive a Ranger. -A Meteorologist might drive a Tempest or a Storm. -A Native American might drive a Cherokee. -A person deeply in debt might drive a Charger. -A rodeo star might drive a Bronco. -A runner drives a Sprint. -A signmaker will drive a Neon. -A symphony conductor might drive a Tempo. -All true cowboys ride Broncos, Colts, Mustangs, or Pintos. ~ Stan Kegel  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-08-2005 12:42 PM                        Rated G B.B. Shotgun If there are to be two or more passengers when traveling by automobile, one must call out "shotgun" in order to secure for him/herself the right-front passenger seat. This seat is obviously the most desirable. It offers such advantages as: * more leg room * own personal vanity mirror * ease of egress and ingress * social prestige * panoramic view * air-bag safety feature * better aim for throwing beer bottles at stop signs * rapid exit in case of beer-retainment reversal Historically, the shotgun position originated during the days of the horse-drawn wagon. Since the driver had to handle the reins, another person with a shotgun was needed next to him/her to fend off attacks from bandits, outlaws, and galloping Amway salesmen. The Rules 1. Even if the other passenger is your grandmother with a broken leg, if she does not call "shotgun" first, her butt is going into the back seat. 2. If two people call "shotgun" at the same time, a fist fight will determine the ultimate winner, unless the contestants are girls. In that case, the trip is put off while the men get to watch them fight. A "pout-off" can be held instead. 3. If the trip is interrupted for over 4 minutes (for fuel or potty stops, etc.), the "shotgun" passenger loses all of his/her rights, and open season on the coveted position begins again. 4. A "shotgun" winner must expect and be willing to put up with a large portion of physical harassment from the back seat "shotgun" loser. Scratching, hair pulling, and attempts at strangulation are all fully legal and come with the territory. 5. Pre-"shotgun" calling is strictly prohibited and punishable by worse that what you get for pulling the tag off a mattress. 6. A "shotgun" call from a 265-pound linebacker automatically cancels out a "shotgun" call from anybody else.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-08-2005 12:44 PM                        Rated PG B.B. Benefits of Growing Older ( and you thought there weren't any) In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. No one expects you to run into a burning building. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. There's nothing left to learn the hard way. Things you buy now won't wear out. You buy a compass for the dash of your car. You can eat dinner at 4:00. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television. You can live without sex, but not without your glasses. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. You got cable for the weather channel. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You sing along with the elevator music. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. Your back goes out more than you do. Your ears are hairier than your head. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. ~Unknown  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-08-2005 12:45 PM                        Rated G B.B. Definition of Modern House Cleaning 1. Turning your keyboard over and shaking out the crumbs. 2. Spitting on your finger to get a speck of dust off your monitor. 3. Running disk clean up. 4, Running scan disk. 5. Running defrag. 6. Running regclean. 7. Last, but not least, deleting email permanently from your hard drive  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-16-2005 01:08 PM                        Rated G My father has always despised anyone who tries to sell him something at the door. So in his brilliance he posted a sign that read, "I shoot every third salesman, the second one just left." In five years only one salesman knocked on the door. He commented on the sign being a good joke. "It's not," repied my father. The man turned around and left immediately.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-16-2005 01:09 PM                        Rated G The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family who were waiting for the news: "We had twins!" We're naming them Maureen and Colleen! The family was so excited they immediately asked, "Who do Maureen and Colleen look like?" The father paused, smiled, and said, "Each other."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-16-2005 01:33 PM                        Rated G Dogs and Computers: Same or Different? Favorite Food Dogs: kibbles Computers: bits Method used to end undesirable behavior Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper Computers: hit control-alt-delete After destruction of personal property D: dog not found C: file not found Favorite trick D: roll over C: play dead Comic-page hero D: Dogbert C: Dilbert Fun way to mess with their heads D: peanut butter on roof of mouth C: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive Consequence of virus D: replace valuable carpeting C: replace valuable data Widely ignored government mandate D: leash law C: Communications Decency Act Waste disposal tool D: pooper-scooper C: uninstaller (necessary only on Win-tel machines!) Method of marking territory D: lifting leg C: "Designed for Windows XP" Unique behavior D: lick and drag C: click-and-drag Inexplicable physical feature D: dewclaw C: scroll lock key Estimated lifespan D: 12 years C: 12 months At end of useful life D: euthanasia C: tax deduction  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-16-2005 01:41 PM                        Rated G Bob Hope once received an award and graciously gave full credit to his four writers for making it possible. The next to receive the award was Bishop Fulton J. Sheen. He stepped to the mike and with a grin, he announced, 'I also want to thank my four writers, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-17-2005 03:35 PM                        [g]Rated G Sandy in Coronado THESE ARE ACTUAL NEWSPAPER ADS![/b] FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd,part stupid dog FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat... been out a while... better be a reward. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED..Also 1 gay bull for sale. NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used... call Chubby GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300 WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie. (AND THE BEST ONE) FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.45 volumes.Excellent condition.$1,000 or best offer.No longer needed,got married last month.Wife knows everything.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-22-2005 03:49 PM                        Rated G Murphy's Laws for Parents 1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week. 2. Leakproof thermoses -- will. 3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. 4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends. 5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended. 6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing. 7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look. 8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room. 9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator. 10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 118 pages: 1  2  3  ...  25  26  27  28  29  30  31  ...  116  117  118

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.