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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-20-2005 10:54 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Michele
M&M's: The Theory of Evolution
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.
To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to: M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc. Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-20-2005 11:03 AM
Rated G
Awareness Test
Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation.
En route, with siren going, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?"
The old man slowly looked up at him, then gazed out the ambulance window.
"Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-21-2005 10:15 AM
Rated G Ed in Aurora,Ont. Ca
Some Good Ones
1. Jesse Jackson,Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an
impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss....the Pope only
expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning.One brilliant flash and it's gone.
5. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice,well, it really chilled the mood.
6. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable.Now,of course,there's shipping and handling too.
7. A husband is someone who,after taking the trash out,gives the
impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
8. My next house will have no kitchen...just vending machines and a large trash can.
9. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off.I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
10. I'm so depressed.My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra.He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
11. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog.I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper.I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will.He said,"Will? What will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!"
12. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
13. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 05-22-2005 03:33 PM
Rated G
Two Arab mothers are sitting in a cafe shop chatting over a pint of
goat's milk.
The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through
pictures and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"
"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.
"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.
"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21"
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair
when he was born".
"He's a martyr too " says mum quietly. "Oh gracious me ...." says the
other.
And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18", she
whispers.
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first
started school".
"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks
wistfully at the photographs and says...
"They blow up so fast, don't they?".................
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 05-23-2005 06:37 PM
Rated G
At her father's wake, a woman told her pastor that ever since she was a child she and her father had discussed life after death. They had agreed that whom ever went first would contact the other. They had discussed this again just two weeks before his death.
He died in her home and a few days after his death the smoke alarm in her garage went off. She had lived there 28 years and it had never gone off before.
She couldn't turn it off, so she called the security company that installed it. The next morning the smoke alarm sounded again...and the reason finally dawned on her.
She said aloud, "Ok dad, I missed the signal yesterday, but I get it now! Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side. Now turn the thing off so I don't have to call the security company again." And it went off.
She immediately called her pastor to tell him the good news. His response was, "Dear lady, if every time your father sends you a message, he sets off the smoke alarm, just where do you think he's calling from?"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-25-2005 03:03 PM
Rated G
The Top 16 Small Ways to Get Even
16> Show up for work an hour late all spring and summer, claiming you live on "Good ol' Standard God Bless America Freedom Time."
15> Refuse to sign the release every time you're arrested on "COPS."
14> When a commercial annoyingly uses a louder volume than the program, take revenge by lowering the volume to *slightly less* than that of the program.
13> Lather? Sure. Rinse? Of course. Repeat? NEVER!
12> Answer all "knock-knock" jokes with a polite request that they come back after you've put some clothes on.
11> Don't pee on the urinal cake -- make it evaporate on its own.
10> When telemarketers ask if you'd like to switch to MCI, ask if *they'd* like to switch to MCI. Repeat as necessary.
9> Peel your bananas and oranges before buying them, claiming you have no need for "fruit wrappers."
8> Those popular high school kids who laughed at you? Kill them, one by one.
7> Walk into the boss' office, shove a shotgun up his ass and let fly with both barrels. Or if he's not in, sharpen your pencil and don't empty the shavings.
6> Give the spoon a nice healthy lick before plunging it back into the coleslaw at the Ponderosa.
5> Use the Lexus "free test drive" offer to take the dogs for their wash.
4> When a woman gives you a fake phone number at a bar, fantasize about someone *other* than her the next time you masturbate.
3> Tell the other cardinals you heard Cardinal Rivani say he wants to be first gay Pope.
2> When asked if you'd prefer paper or plastic, ask if they have fur.
... and the Number 1 Small Way to Get Even ...
1> Take a penny, leave a tooth!
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 05-30-2005 10:32 AM
Rated PG...
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students,
one by one:
"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked.
"Just a minute, I have to go take a leak."
The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!"
"What about you John, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right
back."
The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to
say the word bathroom at the table."
"And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show
us your good manners?"
"I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper.'"
The teacher fainted.
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