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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-23-2005 06:28 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) B.B,
~~~ This Is America ~~~
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.
We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.
We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.
We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".
We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.
We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old kids run wild.
We whip an enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.
We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.
We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.
In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we're out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.
We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.
We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.
~~Author Unknown~~
[ 06-24-2005, 04:46 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-25-2005 06:22 AM
Rated G B.B.
Fathers Then and Now...Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:
In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses. Today, it's the size of his mini-van.
In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success. Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.
In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived. Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.
In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons. Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.
In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business. Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.
In 1900, a father smoked a pipe. If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.
In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school." Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."
In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table. Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."
In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream. Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."
In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles. Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"
In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes. Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.
In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses. Today,"a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.
In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention. Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."
In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters' suitors with shotguns if the girl came home late. Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-27-2005 10:35 AM
Rated G Anon.
When Choosing A Mate, Compare These Other Professionals To Engineers.
DOCTORS - Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don't expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he'll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients that is pretending to be sick. He'll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he'll ever meet another woman in his profession.
LAWYER - Do You seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer spouse. He doesn't have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.
SALESMAN - See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don't be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show. The company that your Engineer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.
HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, IE. Police Officer, Firefighter, Construction Worker Etc... - Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc. just about the time you are at your sexual peak. The only hazards that your Engineer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp, and you ask "Honey, were you looking at her?", he'll honestly be able to say that he didn't even see her.
TEACHER - The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. He'll be in jail soon, and then you'll have to look for another man.
MINISTER - See Teacher and substitute the word "girls" with "boys". ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-05-2005 11:36 AM
Rated G
Great Advice From Children
"The only accidents are the ones you make in your pants." - Ari K., age 7
"Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals." - Donna Maria G., age 9
"Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you." - Rob P., age 8
"If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it." - Steven B., age 8
"Don't eat ladyfingers - even if you know the lady they came from." - Susannah K., age 6
"When a movie is PG-13 that means how many minutes your mom will let you watch before turning it off." - Jon G., age 12
"Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God's Bill of Wrongs." - Susie F., age 7
"Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you. They have a sick sense." - Beau M., age 10
"My dog had worms.I think he was going fishing."- Emma B.,age 4
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