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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2005 03:08 PM                        Rated G I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said, "Can I help you?" He said, "I'm just looking."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-01-2005 05:19 PM                        Rated G Gerry "Only when the plumbing is stopped up do you realize that a flush is better than a full house."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 08-02-2005 04:34 PM                        Rated G... Great quotations: "I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." -Stephen Bishop "A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults." -Louis Nizer "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -Winston Churchill "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -Winston Churchill "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -Clarence Darrow "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner) "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -Moses Hadas "His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open." -Howard Hughes (about Clark Gable) "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -Paul Keating "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." -Jack E. Leonard "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." -Abraham Lincoln "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx "He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." -Robert Redford "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." -Thomas Brackett Reed "He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." -James Reston (about Richard Nixon) "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -Charles, Count Talleyrand "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -Mark Twain "A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity." -Mark Twain "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -Mark Twain "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -Mae West "She is a peacock in everything but beauty." -Oscar Wilde "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -Oscar Wilde "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -Billy Wilder "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." -Andrew Lang (1844-1912  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 08-02-2005 05:08 PM                        Rated G for "groaner"... Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. A backward poet writes inverse. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. Every calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture is a jab well done.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-03-2005 11:07 AM                        Rated G Faye in Kingston Ont. CA The Do Not Take Yourself Too Seriously Department: 4 out of 3 people have problems with fractions. A flashlight is a cylindrical device for storing dead batteries. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water. >What do you call a fish with no eyes? ... A fsh.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-05-2005 04:13 PM                        Rated G Italian Pasta Diet 1 - You walka pasta da bakery. 2 - You walka pasta the candy store. 3. - You walka pasta the ice cream shop. 4 - You walka pasta the table and frige.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-05-2005 05:01 PM                        Rated G The mosquito's favorite sport? Skin-Diving. Why are mosquito's religious? They prey on you. What's the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito? A mosquito drops off you when you die.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-05-2005 05:06 PM                        Rated G Diane in Reno 40 THINGS YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW 1. Money isn't made out of paper; it's made out of cotton. 2. The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottle represents the varieties of pickles the company once had. 3. Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself. 4. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper. 5. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a "tittle". 6. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. 7. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller. 8. A duck's quack doesn't echo ... no one knows why. 9. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals. 10. Every person has a unique tongue print 11. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled. 12. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was albino. 13. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily. 14. During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur' a small red car can be seen in the distance. 15. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister. 16. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog. 17. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode. 18. Most lipstick contains fish scales. 19. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. 20. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine. 21. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be "set" in individual letters, the upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters. 22. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time. 23. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood. 24. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos. 25. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan, there was never a recorded Wendy before! 26. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple and silver! 27. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips. 28. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death. 29. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk mask painted white. 30. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar. 31. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless). 32. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. 33. American Airlines saved $40,000 in '87 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class. 34. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola 35. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples! 36. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying! 37. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. 38. Guinness Book of Records holds the record... for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries. 39. Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator game.. 40. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into spacebecause passing wind in a space suit damages them.  |  IP: Logged Dieter Depypere Master Film Handler Posts: 343 From: Deutsch-Wagram, Lower Austria, Austria Registered: May 2005 posted 08-10-2005 08:11 AM                     Rated PG Three mothers are sitting at the table and they talk. The first one says: "I found some Martini bottles in the room of my daughter and I didn't know she was an alcoholic!" The second one mentions:"I found three packs of cigarettes in my daughter's room and I didn't know that she smoked!" The third one said:"I found a pack of condoms in my daughter's room. And I didn't know she had a dick..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-10-2005 08:45 AM                        Rated G "Waiter! This coffee tasts like mud." "Yes sir, It's fresh ground." "I drank a whole bottle of bug repellent by mistake the other day......Now my fly doesn't work."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-10-2005 02:16 PM                        Rated G Real Signs and Advertisements Sign in a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks." In the window of an Oregon general store "Why go elsewhere to be cheated when you can come here" In a Pennsylvania Cemetary: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves"[/b] On a Tennessee Highway "Take notice when this sign is under water, the road is impassable"[/b] From the safty information card in America West Airline seat pocket. "If your sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member." On a Maine shop "Our best is none too good."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-10-2005 02:43 PM                        Rated G Just Give Me Mummy Did you hear about the new Egyptian Flu? It lasts nine months and then you become a "MUMMY." If a mummy loses his bandages, how long does he have to stay in the hospital? Until he is completely recovered. Why did the Mummy go on vacation? He needed to unwind! Why were the ancient Egyptian children usually confused? Because their daddies were Mummies! What is a Mummy's favorite type of music? Wrap!! How do mummies hide? They wear masking tape.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-10-2005 02:55 PM                        Rated G What do you get if you cross a snowman and a shark? Frost bite! What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes! How do snowmen travel around? By icele!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-12-2005 05:46 AM                        Rated G George Carlin "Don't make the same mistake twice seems to indicate three mistakes, doesn't it? First you make the mistake. Then you make the same mistake. Then you make the same mistake twice. If you simply say, 'Don't make the same mistake,' you'll avoid the first mistake, won't you?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-12-2005 10:32 AM                        Rated G "I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure." Anon.  |  IP: Logged

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