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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-06-2005 06:38 AM                        Rated G The temperance speaker had drawn a lurid picture of the misery to which alcohol would lead its devotees. No extreme had been unexplained, and finally the speaker lifted both hands to heaven and cried out, "So I ask you, ladies and gentlemen, what under the sun is so unbearable as drink? What on earth can make you as miserable as drink?" And from the rear of the crowd came the loud retort, "Thirst!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-06-2005 10:06 AM                        Rated G One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to heaven. St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question. To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?" The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate. Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didn't really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?" The garbage man guessed 1,228 to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead. St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-06-2005 02:08 PM                        Rated G Travelling home alone, I had to stand on the crowded bus. I was gazing out the window when all of a sudden, I saw my grandmother pull up beside the bus. I was so surprised to see her that I blurted out, "Hey, that's my grandmother!" I was embarrassed to realize I had spoken out loud, until the stranger next to me looked out the window, then turned to me. "Yes," he said, "I thought I recognized her."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-07-2005 06:55 AM                        Rated G After she divorced actor Louis Calhern, actress/writer Ilka Chase found a box of her old calling cards engraved "Mrs Louis Calhern." No longer needing them, she immediately sent them to Calhern's new wife, Julia Holt. "Dear Julia," Chase wrote cattily, " I hope these reach you in time."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-07-2005 06:58 AM                        Rated G First Scientist: I discovered the perfect cure for dandruff. Second Scientist: What is it? First Scientist: Baldness.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-07-2005 07:00 AM                        Rated G Spaz If there is light in the soul, There will be beauty in the person. If there is beauty in the person, There will be harmony in the house. If there is harmony in the house, There will be order in the nation. If there is order in the nation, There will be peace in the world.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-07-2005 07:10 AM                        Rated G The two ladies were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess, who was slightly delayed. The daughter of the family was with them, on the theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait. The child was perhaps six years old, snub nosed, freckled, buck toothed and bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at her. Finally, one of them muttered to the other, "Not very p-r-e-t-t-y, I fear", carefully spelling the key word. Whereupon the child piped up, "But awful s-m-a-r-t!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2005 09:14 AM                        Rated G My friend Yolanda, her husband, Clarence, and her mother were on a shopping tour of Hong Kong. There was a microwave oven on a shelf over the refrigerator in their hotel room, so they bought some muffins to eat for breakfast the next morning. Yolanda opened the microwave, put the muffins inside, closed the door and pushed the button. Nothing happened. So Clarence picked up the booklet next to the microwave and began reading the instructions out loud. Again Yolanda pushed the correct button, but nothing happened. Clarence picked up the booklet again and realized suddenly that no matter how many times they pushed the button, the microwave wasn't going to work. The safe now protectively held their muffins.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2005 09:26 AM                        Rated G "I was always taught to respect my elders. But it's getting harder and harder to find one."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2005 09:28 AM                        Rated G B.B. Words of Wisdom Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards. Trust everybody . . . then cut the cards. Summer must be over. My neighbor just returned my lawn furniture. It's good to question authority, but not mine. Love doesn't really make the world go round, but it makes the ride worthwhile. The first Ten Commandments are the hardest. A retired husband is a wife's full time job. Even at a Mensa convention, someone is the dumbest person in the room.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2005 09:38 AM                        Rated G There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child. One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar. A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked. Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what is INSIDE the drum?" No more problem.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2005 09:43 AM                        Rated G Never take a blind date to a silent film. Geoffrey Parfitt  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2005 09:54 AM                        Rated G Popo Antidepressant drugs are prescribed in Utah more often than in any other state, at a rate nearly twice the national average, according to the Utah Psychiatric Association...... more wives - more antidepressants... coincidence?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2005 09:57 AM                        Rated R Popo Mommy, Mommy! Why do other kids tell me I have a long nose? You don't, but lift your head up or you'll scrape the floor. Mommy, Mommy!, are you sure this is how to learn to swim? Shut up son and get back in the sack! Mommy, Mommy! The milk man's here. Have you got the money or do you want me to go out and play? Mommy, Mommy!, can I lick the bowl? Shut up son and flush the toilet like all the other kids. Mommy, Mommy ! When is the pool going to be ready? Shut up son and keep spitting. Mommy, Mommy!, why are we pushing the car over the cliff? Shut up son or you'll wake your father. Mommy, Mommy!, the kids at school call me a werewolf! Shut up son and go brush your face. Mommy, Mommy!, how far is America? Shut up son and keep rowing. Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire! Shut up son and get the marshmallows! Mommy, Mommy!, Daddy's going out! Shut up son and pour some more gas on him. Mommy, Mommy!, why do other kids tell me I have a big head? Don't worry about them son. Now take your cap and go get me 15 lbs. of potatoes at the corner store. Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagara falls! Shut up and get back in the barrel! Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too big! Shut up son and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in. Mommy, Mommy! What's a delinquent child? Shut up son and light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal the cards. Mommy, Mommy!, I don't want to go to China! Shut up son and keep digging. Mommy, Mommy!, why is Daddy running so fast? Shut up son and reload. Mommy, Mommy!, can I wear a bra now? I'm 14! Shut up Stanley. Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox? Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy. [ 12-08-2005, 02:27 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2005 02:25 PM                        Rated G B.B. Eating Chocolate Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done. If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?  |  IP: Logged

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