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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2005 08:22 AM                        Rated G Quirk Humpty Dumpty had a great fall but winter doesn't look too promising.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2005 12:00 PM                        Rated G Down below One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth, but with no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 feet, and the guy joined him a moment later. The diver went down even farther and the same guy was right behind him. The confused diver took out out his waterproof chalkboard and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?" The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you freakin moron...!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2005 07:47 PM                        Rated G Signs of the times: Apartment sign: “No baby carriages or foreign cars allowed in the lobby.” Atheist Not: “Thank God I’m an atheist!” Auto Junk Yard (New Jersey): “We have Japanese auto parts.” Auto Repair Service Station: “Try us once - you'll never go anywhere else again.” Awning Manufacturer’s Door: “Just a shade better.”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-14-2005 08:56 AM                        Rated G Faith is kind of like jumping out of an airplane at 10,000 feet. If God doesn't catch you, you splatter. But how do you know whether or not he's going to catch you unless you jump out?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-14-2005 08:58 AM                        Rated G "NBC announced today that some of its shows will be available on iTunes for a $1.99. That's right if you sit through the show you will be paid $1.99." --Conan O'Brien "The U.S. Postal Service says they expect to handle twenty billion pieces of mail for the holidays. They'll only deliver about ten billion, but they'll handle twenty billion." --Jay Leno "My son Harry turned two years old today! He now has a full head of hair. He no longer wets his pants. I am so jealous. It's still hard to believe I have a son. It's still hard for him to believe I'm not his grandpa." --Dave Letterman  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-14-2005 09:20 AM                        Rated G Strategic responses to the ever dangerous "Do I look Fat"? "No, not to Stevie Wonder." "Does this tie make me look stupid?" "No hablo Ingles." "If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won." "Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity." "Let me jog around to your front and take a look." "May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-14-2005 09:28 AM                        Rated G "I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book." --Groucho Marx  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-15-2005 10:16 AM                        Rated G Gerry "The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-15-2005 10:22 AM                        Rated G In 1815 French chemist Michael Eugene Chevreul realized the first link between diabetes and sugar metabolism when he discovered that the urine of a diabetic was identical to grape sugar... ...It was also the first step in realizing he had WAY too much time on his hands. -- (Isaac Asimov's BOOK OF FACTS) "Thanks to the invention of the telescope, planets that are 100 billion miles away look to be only 50 billion miles away." --John Wagner I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I must have been out drinking again. I asked her why she would say that, and she said, 'Because I'm your father.' --Dave George "I believe blind people can fall in love, too, so I don't believe in love at first sight." --Ashton Kutcher, actor "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." ---Jerry Garcia - Grateful Dead "There's nothing in the world I wouldn't do for Walter O'Malley. There's nothing he wouldn't do for me. That's the way it is - we go through life doing nothing for each other." --Gene Autry  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-15-2005 01:08 PM                        Rated G The Procrastinators Creed: 1.I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. 2.I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. 3.I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. 4.I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them. 5.I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations. 6.I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given. 7.I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero. 8.If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year. 9.I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind. 10.I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it. 11.I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task. 12.I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan. 13.I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever. 14.I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two- Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-15-2005 01:18 PM                        Rated G STUPID PRODUCTS LABELS: 1. On a blanket from Taiwan NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO. 2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU. 3. On a Taiwanese shampoo USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE. 4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. 5. On a New Zealand insect spray THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS. 6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.) 7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET. 8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles OPEN OTHER END. 9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL? 10. On a Sears hairdryer DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. 11. On a bag of Fritos YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. 12. On a bar of Dial soap DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. 13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. 14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. 15. On a Korean kitchen knife WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. 16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. 17. On a Japanese food processor NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. 18. On Sainsbury's peanuts WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. 19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. 20. On a Swedish chainsaw DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. 21. On a child's superman costume WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. 22. On some frozen dinners SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST. 23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box FITS ONE HEAD. 24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY. 25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY. 26. On Nytol sleep aid WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2005 07:51 AM                        Rated G Elaine Stephen King writes some scary books. He's coming out with the scariest book he ever wrote, A Husband with a Mind of Its Own. Don't get scared, ladies. It's just a fantasy; it will never happen.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2005 08:01 AM                        Rated G Gerry I told someone I was getting married and they said, "Have you picked out a date yet? I said, "Wow, you can bring a date to your own wedding? What a country!" Comedian Yakov Smirnoff  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2005 08:03 AM                        Rated PG "The Maple Sugar Makers Association in Vermont is sending hundreds of gallons of genuine maple syrup over to our troops in Iraq. Soldiers say the syrup will go towards the creation of WMDs - Waffles of Mass Deliciousness." Dennis Miller  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2005 09:30 AM                        Rated G A car with two city men in it worked its way down the country road and passed a tumbledown shack with a stubble-faced farmer on the front porch. It had been a dull day and the driver felt he could use just a little fun, so he stopped the car and said, "Hey, mister, can you change an eighteen-dollar bill?" The farmer nodded. "Sure thing, but I have to go inside to get the money." With that, he disappeared inside. The driver's companion said, "What are you planning to do?" "I'm giving him a ten," snickered the driver. "I'll mark up the zeros to look like eights. He'll never know the difference." The farmer reappeared with a battered wallet. He took the bill offered him with the barest glance and put it into his pocket. Then he looked up at the driver and said, "How do you want the change? Two nines or three sixes?"  |  IP: Logged

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