my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Miscellaneous - Part Three (Page 53)

This topic comprises 118 pages: 1  2  3  ...  50  51  52  53  54  55  56  ...  116  117  118

Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2006 12:29 PM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti The miser won the lottery with a ticket he bought--$1,000,000! But he still seemed depressed. "What's wrong?" asked his neighbor. The miser sighed and said, "When I think of the dollar I wasted buying this other lottery ticket."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2006 12:55 PM                        Rated G Signs in the Kitchen So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust! Martha Stewart doesn't live here!! Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself! I clean house every other day. Today is the other day. If you write in the dust, please don't date it! My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it! I came, I saw, I decided to order take out. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines. I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2006 12:59 PM                        Rated G Joe: Yuck! This is the worst tasting apple pie I ever had! Waiter: What does it taste like? Joe: Glue! Waiter: Then that's the pumpkin pie. The apple pie tastes like mud.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2006 06:57 AM                        Rated G Gerry Going bald wouldn't be so bad if there were a reason for it. Like let's say under hair, written on your head, are prizes. Like a scratch-off game: "Hey I'm bald, but look what I won, large fries!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2006 06:58 AM                        Rated G Ken Love: Everyone says looks don't matter. Age doesn't matter. Money doesn't matter, but I've never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old, ugly man who's broke.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2006 08:07 AM                        Rated G Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. Baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy." The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, son is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies." A few days later, the stork parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night. Says the baby stork, "Nowhere...just scaring the heck out of some college students!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2006 08:10 AM                        Rated G Take the time to live!!!Life is too short GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap. GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is l ike nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are l ike fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's l ike jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD 1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom com es with age, but sometimes age com es alone.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2006 04:15 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Rather than have all six pallbearers cramped into one car, the funeral director asked me if I'd mind driving with him. I accompanied him to the hearse, and just as the procession got underway, I decided to have a cigarette. Before lighting it, I asked the director if he'd mind, "No, I don't mind," he said. "You'll never hear an undertaker say don't smoke." A few weeks later I quit.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2006 04:48 PM                        Rated G Daisy Mae 25 Ways to Annoy a Northerner: 1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING. 2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two. 3. When giving directions, finish with "and it's right down yonder on the left." Confuses the mess out of 'em. 4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying. 5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!" 6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball. 7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke. (This really does annoy 'em!) 8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus. 9. Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air. 10.Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie-John Michael-Jim Bob. . .you get the idea) 11. Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it." 12. Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady". 13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "Pah-kahn" not "Pee-can". 14. Put Tabasco on everything. 15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!",say "Well, I'll be darned, is there a downstate NewYork?" 16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . .preferably the banana ones. 17. Name all of your children "Bubba". (or just call em that!) 18. Use the word "reckon" in a sentence and watch their reaction. 19. "Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school. 20. Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something. 21. Tell them you don't have an accent, they do. 22. Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations... Offends the heck out of 'em. 23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there..." "You said left." "Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town.." 24. Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend. 25. Call 'em a Yankee. Works every time.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2006 04:52 PM                        Rated G The Top 10 Pickup Lines Used By Chefs..... 10. "Your eyes are like limpid pools of chicken stock." 9. "I know we've just met, but will you marinade me?" 8. "Cumin here often?" 7. "How do you like your eggs? Poached, scrambled or fertilized?" 6. "Care to come back to my place and kick it up a notch?" 5. "Hey, weren't you in my 'Introduction to Melons' class?" 4. "We've now simmered for the recommended 25 minutes.....time to come to a full boil!" 3. "You're twice as sweet as a creme brulee.....and less drippy." 2. "Get the buttah." And the Number 1 Pickup Line used by Chefs... 1. "Uh, yeah.....I invented Spaghetti-O's"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2006 07:26 AM                        Rated G B.B. And then there's the shop-a-holic whose friend complimented her on her new car. "Oh, thanks," the woman replied. "It's very economical. I'm getting about 20 malls per gallon!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2006 07:40 AM                        Rated G Diana I was reading something about Penthouse Pet of the Year the other day. That's a dubious title, isn't it? Pet of the Year. What do you have to do to get to that, go on the paper?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2006 08:31 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ontario The Pasta Diet 1) You walka pasta da bakery. 2) You walka pasta da candy store. 3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop. 4) You walka pasta da table and fridge. And for those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all the conflicting medical studies: 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2006 08:45 AM                        Rated G Kathy Smith, West Coast TV-news anchorwoman, claims that off-camera and without makeup she wouldn't be recognized. To avoid attracting attention in her Seattle neighborhood, she asked her children not to tell people what she did for a living. One day, while her five-year old son was getting a haircut, she overheard him reply to a question from the barber about her work. "I can't tell you what my mom does. All I know is she gets all dressed up and goes out at night."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2006 08:48 AM                        Rated G "Donald Trump is considering a run for president in 2008. He will find a running mate, then later dump her for a younger, hotter running mate." --Conan O'Brien  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 118 pages: 1  2  3  ...  50  51  52  53  54  55  56  ...  116  117  118

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.