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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-27-2005 02:58 PM                        Rated G I was in Dayton, Ohio and walked by the Otis Elevator Building. It's one floor. Apparently they know something we don't.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-28-2005 03:27 PM                        Rated G Maggie "A house is built by human hands, but a home is built by human hearts. "  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-28-2005 03:30 PM                        Rated G Betsy My father was a cop, so dating was a nightmare. I could handle the police escort, but the bullhorn from the helicopter was a bit much: "Son, keep your hands on the steering wheel where we can see them."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-28-2005 03:35 PM                        Rated G B.B. While driving through Buffalo after a heavy snow storm, a motorist noted a cop, apparently waist deep in snow, directing traffic. Feeling sorry for him, the motorist called out "I'm sorry you have to work half buried in the snow." The cop called back "Don't feel sorry for me, feel sorry for my horse!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-28-2005 03:40 PM                        Rated G Elaine Short guys are always saying stupid things to me because I'm so tall. One guy asked, "Do you play basketball?" I said, "No, do you play miniature golf?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-28-2005 03:46 PM                        Rated G Wild Child Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak? Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?" Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? And my FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-28-2005 03:59 PM                        Rated G B.B. Mistake: to err, to cause an error or make a mess If a barber makes a mistake, It's a new style... If a driver makes a mistake, It is an accident... If a engineer makes a mistake, It is a new venture... If parents makes a mistake, It is a new generation... If a politician makes a mistake, It is a new law... If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a new invention... If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a new fashion... If a teacher makes a mistake , It is a new theory... If our boss makes a mistake, It is our mistake...... If an employee makes a mistake, It is a "MISTAKE"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-29-2005 03:46 PM                        Rated G Honesty and wisdom together will take you very far in life. With honesty you will be known as a person who can be relied upon to follow through on everything you have promised, regardless. With wisdom, of course, you will have better sense than to make promises.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-29-2005 03:53 PM                        Rated G Andrew Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave, but there's no need to be in the passing lane.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-29-2005 04:05 PM                        Rated G B.B. WONDER for YOUR WEEK: Do you think they can really make garbage into fuel? Well, I guess they've already made it into books, TV shows, and the movies, right?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-29-2005 04:08 PM                        Rsted G Gerry "Personally," a father remarked, "I have my doubts about solar energy. My son has spent most of his life on the beach, and he has less energy than anyone I know."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-29-2005 04:10 PM                        Rated G B,B. Two men were discussing cars and one of them mentioned he had once owned a Rolls-Kinardly. "What is a Rolls-Kinardly?" asks his friend. "That," the man answered, "is a car that rolls down hill and kin 'ardly get up the next."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-29-2005 08:07 PM                        Rated R Ed In Aurora Ont. CA 10 Thoughts to Ponder Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted. Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see a man without an erection, make him a sandwich. Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a Person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for Anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs. Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,lying in Hospitals dying of nothing. Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no Attention to criticism. Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars And a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? Number 2 In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now The world is weird and People take Prozac to make it normal. AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2005: We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions And millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 01-01-2006 05:19 PM                        Rated G..... On a hot summer day, a cowboy came riding into town on his horse with his dog following. He tied the horse and dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer. About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The cowboy said that it was his. The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat." The cowboy replied, "No way that dog's in heat; she's cool cause I got her tied under the shade of the tree." The policeman said, "No! you don't understand; your dog needs to be bred." "No way", the cowboy said, "that dog don't need bread, she's not hungry, cause I fed her beef jerky this morning". Now the policeman started to get irritated and yelled, "NO, you idiot! Don't you understand, your dog wants to have sex!" The cowboy looked at him and said, "Go ahead. I always wanted a police dog!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2006 07:25 AM                        Rated G B.B. Some Good Things About The Flu ??? 10. No one wants to come near you. 9. You can legally take sedatives. 8. You realize guests on daytime talk shows have worse lives than you do. 7. You get away with being rude, obnoxious and surly. 6. You can smell like a baboon's butt and nobody complains. 5. You can move about the house unwashed and in your housecoat all day. 4. No matter how bad you feel, it's still better than how you felt after last month's tequila 'n' gin party. 3. Star Trek re-runs. 2. Your dog is allowed on the bed. 1. You get to have some TLC for a change.  |  IP: Logged

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