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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2006 07:33 AM                        Rated G Gerry While on a cruise in the Bahamas, Gene and his family were joined at their dinner table by an elderly couple from Scotland who spoke with heavy accents. When the meal was over, Gene's seven-year-old son Gene Jr., who was quiet throughout dinner, asked his dad, "What language were they talking?" Gene replied, "English." The boy shook his head and said, "I didn't know English was also a foreign language."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2006 07:51 AM                        Rated G B.B. Redheads... How do you get a redhead to argue with you? Say something How do you get a redhead's mood to change? Wait 10 seconds What's safer: a redhead or a piranha? The piranha. They only attack in schools. What do you call a Redhead with an attitude? Normal What does a redhead, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them. Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2006 07:57 AM                        Rated G B.B. Why, Why, Why Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak? Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough? Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?" In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? And my FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2006 08:04 AM                        Rated G Maggie "To love is nothing. To be loved is something. To love and be loved is everything."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2006 08:11 AM                        Rated G Quirk "How many slams in an old screen door? Depends on how loud you shut it. How many slices in a bread? Depends on how thin you cut it. How much good inside a day? Depends on how good you live 'em. How much love inside a friend? Depends on how much you give 'em."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2006 08:13 AM                        Rated G Did you hear about the knothead who fell down the elevator shaft? When he gained consciousness he yelled, "I said UP!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2006 08:15 AM                        Rated G B.B. The Washington Post had a contest wherein participants were asked to tell the younger generation how much harder they had it "in the old days." Winners, runners-up, and honorable mentions are listed below. Second Runner-Up: In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction. First Runner-Up: In my day, we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal- wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were way too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today. And the winner: In my day, we didn't have rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads. Honorable Mentions: In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes. In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him. Back in my day, they hadn't invented electricity. We had to watch television by candlelight.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2006 08:21 AM                        Rated G It's the time of the Old West. A citizen of the town comes running into the saloon and screams, "Big Bad Bart is coming! Big Bad Bart is coming! We gotta get outta town." Everyone gets up in a hurry and takes off as fast as they can, including the saloonkeeper, who when hopping over the bar slips on a beer and knocks himself unconscious. When he comes to, he makes his way outside to see the biggest, meanest man he's ever seen riding down the center of the town on two buffaloes, whipping them with a rattlesnake screaming, "Giddyup! Let's go, come on." He makes his way over to the saloonkeeper, dismounts, and enters the saloon. Breaking both doors off the hinges while entering, he walks up to the bar, slams his fist down, breaking the bar in half and hollers, "Gimme some beer in a gallon jug." After the saloonkeeper hands him the jug, he watches as the man drinks it in three seconds flat. When he's done with his drink, the man turns around to walk out the door. The saloonkeeper couldn't believe his eyes and wanted to see him do it again. He asks him, "Don't you want another beer?" The man turns around and says, "Heck no, Big Bad Bart is coming! I gotta get outta town!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2006 08:25 AM                        Rated G A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English. But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested. When he had gone, an American woman soldier in the compartment leaned forward and asked if I spoke German. "No," I confessed. "Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2006 03:14 PM                        Rated G It is reported that Madame de Gaulle, in bed one night, said, "My God, it's cold." To which her husband, lying stiffly by her side, replied, "In bed, Madame, you may call me Charles.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2006 03:15 PM                        Rated G Some friends had gathered at a restaurant. Seeing one take out a camera, a man at the next table offered to snap a group photo. After the first shot he suggested taking another, but the owner of the camera said, "Thanks, but don't bother. I always get double prints."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2006 03:17 PM                        Rated G The new owner of a condo was delighted with his unit. His only problem was finding his mailbox. When he called the management office a cheerful voice told him. "We have given you that information on one of the pages included in the welcome packet we mailed you."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2006 03:19 PM                        Rated G B.B. Emotional Extremes! Some aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges are attending their first class and the professor is lecturing on emotional extremes. "Just as an example," says the professor to one student from a major urban university. "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," says the student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asks of a young lady from an Ivy League college. "Elation," says she. "And you sir," he says to the young man from an agricultural institution, "how about the opposite of woe?" The Aggie replies, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2006 06:52 AM                        Rated G Betsy "Dating is when you pretend you're someone you're not, to impress someone you don't even know."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2006 08:40 AM                        Rated G "Authorities in Wisconsin are searching for the owner of a kangaroo after it was caught walking around outside in the frigid weather. That's got to be frustrating for the kangaroo. Walking around in freezing weather, knowing you have a pocket, but your hands are too short to put them in it." ~~Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged

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