my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Miscellaneous - Part Three (Page 85)

This topic comprises 118 pages: 1  2  3  ...  82  83  84  85  86  87  88  ...  116  117  118

Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 11-12-2006 11:29 AM                        Rated PG... Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it." So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! " Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix." So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2006 09:54 AM                        Rated G Lorraine My father, a handyman, crafted a gizmo--a heavy-duty steel adapter to a ball hitch--to attach to the front of his truck so that he could push his trailer and sailboat down the ramp into the water rather than have to go through the difficult manoeuvring to back them down. Just after he had launched his boat and was parking the truck, a passerby noticed the ball hitch and stopped to ask what it was. Dad explained how he could push his boat and trailer now. The man looked at Dad with respect. "It must take much skill to drive down the highway and steer your boat and trailer in front of you."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-15-2006 09:46 AM                        Rated G Bruce Bruce "I was stopped once for going fifty-three in a thirty-five mile zone, but I told them I had dyslexia." --Spanky "I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead." --Laura Kightlinger "My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners! --Sarah Silverman  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-15-2006 02:25 PM                        Rated G I was a tour guide at a museum, and part of my job was to get people to line up as close to one another as possible. Whenever necessary I would yell, "Could everyone please move three feet forward!" But one day, inevitably, one fellow called back, "What if you only have two?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-15-2006 02:29 PM                        Rated G An anxious, well-dressed lady ran up to my ticket counter in Terminal 1 at the airport. "Hurry!" she shouted. "I have to catch my flight to London." I tried to calm my distraught passenger and assured her she had plenty of time before her flight, which was departing from Terminal 2. I explained that rather than wait for the shuttle bus to the adjacent terminal, I'd take her to the arrival level where she would be transported by a moving sidewalk. "Moving sidewalk!" she screamed. "You don't understand! I wanted to fly!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2006 10:43 AM                        Rated G Betsy My brother had a job that required him to dress as a polar bear to promote soft drinks at shopping malls. A man strolled past and asked, "Don't you feel stupid dressed up in that thing?" "I should feel stupid?" asked my brother. "You're the one who's talking to a bear!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2006 01:16 PM                        Rated R One time Abraham Lincoln was stopped on the street by a man who drew a revolver and stuck it in the president's face. "What seems to be the matter?" inquired Lincoln, with all the calmness and self-possession he could muster. "Well," replied the stranger, "some years ago I swore an oath that if I ever came across an uglier man than myself I'd shoot him on the spot." Lincoln visibly relaxed, "Shoot me, then, for if I am an uglier man than you I don't want to live."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2006 01:17 PM                        Rated G Although he always ordered just ham and eggs everyday, one customer at the diner always studied the menu carefully each day before ordering. One day, his regular waitress decided to see if he could be made to order anything else. Before giving him the menu she marked out the ham and eggs entry. Once the customer had looked over the menu for a few minutes, the waitress approached him and asked, "Sir, did you notice that I scratched something you like?" Without looking up from the menu, he quickly replied, "Well, then go wash your hands and bring me some ham and eggs."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2006 01:28 PM                        Rated G Gerry Every morning a guy took the ferry to work, but one morning his watch stopped and he thought he was running late. He rushed to the dock and saw the boat ten feet away. Taking a run at it, he jumped and, with a superhuman effort, just managed to land in the boat. The captain looked at him quizzically and said. "If you had waited another minute, we'd have docked."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2006 01:51 PM                        Rated G "To go safely through the world you must have the eye of a falcon, the ear of an ass, the face of an ape, the mouth of a pig, the shoulders of a camel, and the legs of a deer." Italian Proverb  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-23-2006 09:38 AM                        Rated G Lulu My Italian American friend is very self-conscious about his height, or lack thereof. So I always steer clear of the subject. One day, he and I went to lunch at a Sub shop. "I'll take the Italian," he said to the guy behind the counter. "Salami, Provolone, and peppers." "Do you want a full hero or half one?" came the reply. "Ah... gimme a half," my friend says. After placing our orders, we took our seats. A few minutes later, my friend grimaced when we heard... "Small Italian, your order is up!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2006 08:09 PM                        Rated R Ed in Aurora A beautiful New York woman was deeply depressed and decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But, just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I'm off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night, he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later, she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of your sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus, he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-29-2006 08:36 PM                        Rated G B.B. Says one humorist: "Life is unfair. I lost my car keys at a ball game and never found them. I lost my sunglasses at the beach and never found them. I lost my socks in the washing machine and never found them. I lost three pounds on a diet -- I found them and five more."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-05-2006 04:48 PM                        Rated G B.B. "Our friend Rusty was finally receiving his black belt in Tae Kwon Do, and had to arrive early for the ceremony at the material- arts school he attended. The plan was for his wife, Janet, and their kids to follow later. Just when it was time for the family to leave, their nine-year-old son was in panic because he couldn't find his shoes. Janet and all three kids tore the house apart before finding the shoes, which made everyone late. At the school, Janet and the kids ran up the steps only to encounter this sign: "To our guests- Please observe Tae Kwon Do customs and remove your shoes before entering."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-06-2006 08:26 AM                        Rated G Drew When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 118 pages: 1  2  3  ...  82  83  84  85  86  87  88  ...  116  117  118

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.