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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-25-2006 11:40 AM
Rated PG
Dating in 1957
It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says. That's cool.
Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her! "
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with Her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good Evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:
"Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's call The Twist!"
[ 09-24-2006, 06:24 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 09-25-2006 03:48 PM
RAted G...
If organists wrote the wedding columns in the society pages....
On Saturday, the third of August, at well after the stated time of 2:00PM, Ann Jones and Bob Smith were married at Our Lady of Sorry Acoustics.
The delay was attributed to the late arrival of an aunt of the bride and was deftly covered by organist Reginald Laudfuss (now celebrating his seventh month at the church) who improvised on an original theme for well over ten minutes. This improvisation was accomplished in all minor keys without the use of the organ's wholly unnecessary transposer. Mr. Laudfuss gives thanks to the church's wedding coordinator, Ima Thority, for flashing him a series of hand signals during the crisis.
Mr. Laudfuss chose a lightweight summer robe of shimmering burgundy to conceal his cutoffs and T-shirt. The organist's shoes, in tasteful black, were by Organmaster, accessorized with upgraded laces from Thom McAn. They are his third pair in about fifteen years. The wedding party wore the usual clothes.
The organ is the fourth or fifth rebuild of what was originally a dreadful 1920s theatre organ from the Roxy. It now contains additional pipework from an Ox tracker, salvaged after that mysterious fire in a practice room at the University. Other stops have been added according to the tastes of organists who have come and gone. The Great Harmonic Flute was voiced by Harrison and purchased from the Cathedral of Ostentation during their 1977 project. The Wurlitzer Brass Trumpet (temporarily residing in place of the Swell Oboe) is the envy of the city; it is rumored to have been stolen (all 61 pipes!) from the now-shuttered Palace. The organ's combination action, unfortunately, is unreliable.
There were a sufficiently large number of attendants to build a lengthy processional upon, but despite last night's rehearsal they heedlessly hurried up the aisle, resulting in a drastic compression of the "Prince of Denmark's March." This critical number was therefore performed with no repeats, and Mr. Laudfuss pointedly ended on the dominant in protest. However, the 8' Tuba (purchased pre-voiced over the internet and the central feature of the March) was a resounding success as could be measured by the smiles that spread throughout the congregation during the processional.
After a few minutes of talking by a clergy type, the organist played the first four phrases of the Schubert "Ave Maria" (in E-major to avoid a pulled pipe) on the shimmering Choir Gemshorn 8' (no tremolo) while the couple did something. Later, somebody's female relative breathily sang "The Wedding Song." It appeared that this person's usual venue was a country-western bar, and some tension occurred during the solo. The soloist attempted to continue singing during the interludes. Mr. Laudfuss responded by trying to cover her error with cues from the Swell Trompette 8' (Wicks, 1940's, revoiced by Gantt in the 1958 rebuild) but she continued in her own misguided way forcing the organist to shuffle his music loudly. This contretemps prevented the congregation from enjoying the subtle chiff of the Choir Gedeckt 8', which would have been the only bright spot in a notoriously boring song.
The recessional was the Mendelssohn, chosen despite Mr. Laudfuss's counsel to the contrary. It was played on a satisfying plenum in A B A B A form to fit the available time. When the wedding party was finally out of the way Mr. Laudfuss presented the Widor Toccata as the postlude. The guests inconsiderately talked throughout the number, but the organist added stops as the noise level increased, masterfully maneuvering each drawknob, coupler and piston without missing a single note of the Widor. The sforzando button unexpectedly brought the Brass Trumpet into the ensemble but by now there was no turning back and the Widor ended breathtakingly. This noble feat did not go unnoticed by the congregation, who responded with audible sighs when the music stopped.
The bride and groom went to college somewhere, but they did not take any music. After their honeymoon they will blend into suburbia where they will produce children. The highlight of each year will be the replay of Mr. Laudfuss's work via a wedding video.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-29-2006 08:56 AM
Rated R ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Ed in Aurora
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand."I had a kitty-cat who stuttered",
she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my little kitty cat and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl."My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'.. And before he could say "Fuck," the rottweiler ate him!" ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-25-2006 12:12 PM
Rated G
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No drama, boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's
happenin?? Great to see you!
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks
him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, lets fly out to Washington." And off
they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name
anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Germany, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with he Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack, and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,
"Who the fuck's that on the balcony with Dave?" ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-26-2006 08:21 AM
Rated PG Denny in Yonkers
HYPNOTIST IN THE SENIOR CENTER............
It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a
beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
" chanting, Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the
watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.....................................
It took two days to clean up the senior center.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-02-2006 02:13 PM
Rated G Ross in Pittsburg
The Mayonnaise Jar
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle,when
24 hours in a day are not enough,remember the mayonnaise jar
and the 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some
items in front of him.When the class began,he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them
into the jar.He shook the jar lightly.The pebbles rolled into the openareas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.Of course, the sand filled up everything else.He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with a unanimous "yes!"
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the
table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided,"I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.The golf balls are the important things--your family your children, your health,your friends and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost and only they remained,your life would still be full.The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job,your house and your car.The sand is everything else--the small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued,"there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.The same goes for life.If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to you happiness! Play with your children.Take time to get medical checkups.Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18.There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first--the things that really matter.Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.
The professor smiled."I'm glad you asked.It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
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