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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2007 03:33 PM                        Rated G B.B. "Pause to Think". Einstein's three rules of work: 1) Out of clutter find simplicity 2) From discord make harmony 3) In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2007 09:13 AM                        Rated PG Lorraine A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 15-year old Sam answers holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "Is your mother home?" Sam taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the heck do you think?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2007 09:15 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She'd bump the car in front, then back-up and strike the car behind her. This went on about 2-3 minutes. I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined though. She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not going to use them once in a while?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2007 09:22 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Jill calls her friend Roberta, Roberta picks up the phone. Jill : "Do ya wanna go to the mall with me?" Roberta : "Why?" Jill : "I need to study cosmetics" Roberta : "Why?" Jill : "Well, my English teacher says,` I have a make-up exam on Monday.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2007 09:26 AM                        Rated G Maggie If two friends ask you to be judge in a dispute, don't accept, because you will lose one friend; on the other hand, if two strangers come with the same request, accept, because you will gain one friend.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-17-2007 02:35 PM                        Rated G Tony in Old Lyme A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible storm. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there for awhile,he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle- a perfect night for romance.As they sat there,the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.After that,the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and,lo and behold,there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton. That evening, the man introduced Hillary to the evening beach ritual.It was another beautiful evening - red sky,cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man stared to get "those feelings" again. He fought the urge as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary cautiously,and whispered in her ear. "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-18-2007 11:15 AM                        Rated G Lorraine While I was visiting Philadelphia, I passed a newspaper stand across the street from 30th Street Station. The vendor had posted a sign on the window that read: "Please do not ask me for information or directions. If I knew anything, I wouldn't be here."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-18-2007 11:26 AM                        Rated G Lorraine On one occasion Jesse James and his gang sought food and rest at a lonely farmhouse. The woman there gave them what food she could and apologized for the poor hospitality. A widow and deeply in debt, she was even then waiting for the debt collector to visit her to demand $1,400, which she could not possibly afford to pay. Jesse James had the spoils of one of his bank raids with him. He gave the astonished woman enough money to pay off her debt, telling her to be sure to get a receipt from the debt collector. Then he and his gang withdrew to watch the road leading to the farmhouse. Along came the debt collector, looking very grim. A short while later he emerged from the farm, looking altogether more pleased with himself. Jesse James and his men stopped him, recovered their $1,400, and rode off.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-19-2007 04:38 PM                        Rated PG A TV commercial I'd like to see, but probably never will . . . Wife: Honey! Honey! I'm pregnant! We're going to have a baby! Husband: Really? Are you sure? How do you know? Wife: Well, because the rabbit finally died . . . [Wife brings the Energizer(TM) rabbit by the ears into camera view. Rabbit looks at camera, grins, and then dies (goes limp). Narrator: Energizer(TM), It keeps going, and going, and going, until it's too late . . .  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-20-2007 10:37 AM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti I like your approach... let's see your departure.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-20-2007 10:38 AM                        Rated G Lorraine While attending a fashionable but painfully boring party one evening, British actor Ernest Thesiger took to wandering around the building in search of adventure. Soon enough, he came upon a library inhabited by a genial-looking man standing alone by the fireplace. As the man seemed vaguely familiar, Thesiger approached him and sought to break the ice by introducing himself. "Hello," he began, "My name is Ernest. I'm an actor." "Hello, my name is George," the other man replied. "I'm a king."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-20-2007 10:48 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Queen Nyteshade had two claims to fame. She could tell fortunes and she was a midget. The local authorities frowned on her because they thought that fortune telling was fraudulent. They had Queeny arrested. She was placed in a holding cell. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape. This so incensed the judge that he ordered the local newspaper to print an article about the culprit. The following was printed in the paper the next day: "Small medium at large".  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 01-20-2007 12:23 PM                        Rated PG... Two redneck farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic. "Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?" The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house." "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "I have a family." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife." "Yes, I do have a wife." "And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual." "I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater." Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?" Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?" "No." "Then you're a queer."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2007 07:55 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. Just a little history lesson. Those Grand Old Burma Shave Road Signs TRAINS DON'T WANDER ALL OVER THE MAP 'CAUSE NOBODY SITS IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP Burma Shave SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH BY MISTAKE SHE THOUGHT IT WAS HER HUSBAND JAKE Burma Shave Remember these? For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930s and '40s. Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet...... and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream. Here are more of the actual signs: DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD TO GAIN A MINUTE YOU NEED YOUR HEAD YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT Burma Shave DROVE TOO LONG DRIVER SNOOZING WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS NOT AMUSING Burma Shave BROTHER SPEEDER LET'S REHEARSE ALL TOGETHER GOOD MORNING, NURSE Burma Shave CAUTIOUS RIDER TO HER RECKLESS DEAR LET'S HAVE LESS BULL AND MORE STEER Burma Shave SPEED WAS HIGH WEATHER WAS NOT TIRES WERE THIN X MARKS THE SPOT Burma Shave THE MIDNIGHT RIDE OF PAUL FOR BEER LED TO A WARMER HEMISPHERE Burma Shave AROUND THE CURVE LICKETY-SPLIT BEAUTIFUL CAR WASN'T IT? Burma Shave NO MATTER THE PRICE NO MATTER HOW NEW THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE IN THE CAR IS YOU Burma Shave A GUY WHO DRIVES A CAR WIDE OPEN IS NOT THINKIN' HE'S JUST HOPIN' Burma Shave AT INTERSECTIONS LOOK EACH WAY A HARP SOUNDS NICE BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY Burma Shave BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL EYES ON THE ROAD THAT'S THE SKILLFUL DRIVER'S CODE Burma Shave THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING DEPENDS ON YOU TO DO HIS THINKING Burma Shave CAR IN DITCH DRIVER IN TREE THE MOON WAS FULL AND SO WAS HE. Burma Shave And my all time favorite: PASSING SCHOOL ZONE TAKE IT SLOW LET OUR LITTLE SHAVERS GROW Burma Shave Do these bring back any old memories? If not, you're merely a child. If they do - then you're old as dirt... LIKE ME! and I remember: Don't stick your elbow Out so far It may go home In another car. BURMA SHAVE  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2007 08:27 AM                        Rated G Lorraine While shopping I noticed a member of the American Legion Auxiliary selling poppies at the mall entrance. Looking in my purse for money, I asked, "Is there a particular price for a poppy, or do we give what we want?" "Well, dear," she answered gently, "it's what you think your freedom is worth."  |  IP: Logged

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