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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 03-10-2008 03:47 PM                        Rated PG.... The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had "covertly" funded a project with the U.S. automakers for the past 5 years, whereby the automakers were installing black-box voice recorders in 4-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUVs in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. Their findings were surprising: In 38 of the 50 states, the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh Shi*t!" But that wasn't the surprising part. In the the states of North Carolina, South Carolina, West Virginia, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana and Texas, things were much different. There, 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin'."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2008 04:41 PM                        Rated G Faye in Kingston, Ont. This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers. Are you male or female? To find out the answer, look down....... Look down, not scroll down !!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2008 01:38 PM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers I don't think our kids know what an apron is. The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, but along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven. It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears. From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven. When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids. And when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms. Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove. Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron. From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls. In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees. When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds. When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner. It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that 'old-time apron' that served so many purposes. Send this to those who would know, and love the story about Grandma's aprons. REMEMBER........ Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool. Her granddaughters set theirs on the kitchen counter to thaw.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2008 04:20 PM                        Rated G Lorraine When the winds of March are wakening the crocuses and crickets, Did you ever find a fairy near some budding little thickets,... And when she sees you creeping up to get a closer peek She tumbles through the daffodils, a playing hide and seek. Marjorie Barrows  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2008 04:46 PM                        Rated G B.B. Van Gogh's Family Tree - His dizzy aunt - Verti Gogh - The brother who ate prunes - Gotta Gogh - The brother who worked at a convenience store - Stop an Gogh - The grandfather from Yugoslavia - U Gogh - The cousin from Illinois - Chica Gogh - His magician uncle - Where-diddy Gogh - His Mexican cousin - A mee Gogh - The Mexican cousin's American half-brother - Ring Gogh - The nephew who drove a stage coach - Wells-far Gogh - The constipated uncle - Cant Gogh - The ballroom dancing aunt - Tang Gogh - The bird lover uncle - Flaming Gogh - His nephew psychoanalyst - E Gogh - The fruit loving cousin - Man Gogh - An aunt who taught positive thinking - Way-to Gogh - The little bouncy nephew - Poe Gogh - A sister who loved disco - Go Gogh - His niece who traveled the country in a van - Winnie Bay Gogh  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-13-2008 08:02 AM                        Rated G Lorraine While cruising in his brand new $200,000 Mercedes-Benz armoured car in August 2002, South African Zulu king Goodwill Zwelithini was dismayed to learn that one of its bulletproof tires had been punctured...by a nail on the road. The cost of a new tire? More than $2,000.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2008 02:34 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2008 02:41 PM                        Rated G Charles An optimist is a person who starts putting on his shoes when the lecturer says, "and now in conclusion..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2008 02:45 PM                        Rated G B.B. "Rain is what makes flowers grow and taxis disappear."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2008 02:48 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2008 02:50 PM                        Rated G Strode Dictionary Updates **Divorce: Future tense of marriage. **Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other. **Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either" **Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. **Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. **Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power **Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on. **Classic: books that people praise, but do not read. **Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight. **Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. **Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth. **Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do. **Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together. **Experience: The name men give to their mistakes. **Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions. **Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. **Opportunist: A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river. **Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See, I am not injured yet." **Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich. **Father: A banker provided by nature. **Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught. **Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. **Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2008 05:47 PM                        Rated G B.B. I just read an article on the dangers of eating too much fat and drinking too much and it scared the heck out of me. So I told myself, "That's it!" After today, no more reading.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2008 02:55 PM                        Rated G Lorraine SENIOR PERSONAL ADS SEEN IN FLORIDA NEWSPAPERS... Foxy Lady: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp- dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. Long-term Commitment: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem. Serenity Now: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. Winning Smile: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. Beatles or Stones? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes. Memories: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. Mint Condition: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2008 03:15 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Two weathermen each broke an arm and a leg in an accident, and called from the hospital about the four casts.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2008 03:17 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Sign on a music store window: "Come in, pick out a drum, then beat it!"  |  IP: Logged

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