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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-26-2008 04:32 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) B.B.
"Reasons Why Farm Trucks Are Never Stolen"
1.They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, break down or run out of gas.
2.Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.
3.It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.
4.It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.
5.The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.
6.They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.
7.The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with duct tape.
8.Top speed is only about 45 mph.
9.Who wants a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u- joints, $3,000 in bodywork, taillights and a windshield.
10.It's hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-28-2008 02:51 PM
Rated G Lorraine
Some members of a health club were having their first meeting.
The director of the group said, "Now, I'd like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine."
Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight members said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently."
"Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure you having nothing else to add?"
"Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively." ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-28-2008 03:08 PM
Rated G
Signs in the USA (mostly)
In front of a New Hampshire restaurant
"Now serving live lobsters"
On the menu of a restaurant
"Blackened bluefish"
In a Maine restaurant
"Open seven days a week and weekends."
In a New Jersey restaurant
"Open seven days a week and weekends."
On the walls of a Baltimore estate
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
-- Sisters of Mercy"
On a long established New Mexico dry cleaning store
"Thirty-eight years on the same spot."
In a New York drugstore
"We dispense with accuracy."
In a New York medical building
"Mental Health Prevention Center"
On a New York convalescent home
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal church"
In a funeral parlor
"Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
Outside a country shop
"We buy junk and sell antiques."
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store
"15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!"
In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers
"Parking for birds only."
In the vestry of a New England church
"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished"
In a laundry room
"Do not put wet clothes in dryers, as this can cause irreparable damage."
A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago
"Do not activate with wet hands."
In a New Hampshire jewelry store
"Ears pierced while you wait."
In a New York restaurant
"Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."
A sign in an Asian seafood store in Madison, Wisconsin
"Crap - .79/lb."
In a Florida maternity ward
"No children allowed."
In the offices of a loan company
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."
At a number of US military bases
"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of 'You are my one and only' valentine cards
"Now available in multi-packs"
In the window of an Oregon general store
"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"
In a Pennsylvania cemetary
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
On the grounds of a private school
"No trespassing without permission."
In a library
"Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away."
On a Tennessee highway
"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
In front of a New Hampshire car wash
"If you can't read this, it's time you wash your car."
On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon
"Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."
A sign on top of a San Fransico drug store located across the street from the Transbay bus terminal. "Terminal Drugs"
From the safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket:
"If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tella crew member."
On a delicatessen wall
"Our best is none too good"
On a roller caoster
"Watch your head"
On a Maine shop
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
In downtown Boston
"Callahan Tunnel / No end."
A sign on a front yard in York, Maine
"Inexpensive, Quality Daycare - Openings Day and Night."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-03-2008 11:03 AM
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store, Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT : Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right, What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COS TELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-03-2008 04:35 PM
Rated G B.B.
John and Mary were walking along the shore one Sunday afternoon when they spotted a dock projecting into the harbor. They decided to walk to the end of the dock and sit down to rest .
Mary, in her infinite boredom, suggested to John, "While we walk to the end of the dock, why don't you count the number of slats used to build it, and I'll count the number of slits between the slats?''
John replied, "O.K., I will count the slats, and you will count the slits.'' So the couple merrily trooped down the dock. John counted, "One slat!''
Mary counted, "One slit!''
"Two slats!''
"Two slits!'' And, well, you know how the natural numbers work. Eventually John and Mary approached the end of the dock.
"327 slats!''
"327 slits!''
"328 slats!''
They had reached the end of the dock. Mary was puzzled. "John, there are no more slits. What does it mean?''
John turned to Mary and said, "When you're out of slits, you're out of pier."
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