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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2007 05:12 PM                        Rated G Drew Ten percent of all accidents on the road are caused by people who have been drinking. So ninety percent of accidents are due to people who are stone-cold sober. Triple  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2007 07:48 AM                        Rated PG Denny in Yonkers Snow White The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning. As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores. As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine. One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived. "Hello, hello!" she shouted. "Can anyone hear me? Hello!" For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, "Hello! Is anyone down there?" Just as she was about to give up all hope, there came a faint voice from deep within the mine. "Vote for Hillary, Vote for Hillary." Snow White fell to her knees, crossed herself and prayed, "Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-26-2007 12:19 PM                        Rated G Lorraine I know my company has made a big effort to be family friendly, but I was baffled when I read this holiday announcement posted on the bulletin board: "All employees are invited to the annual Christmas party. All children under the age of ten will receive a gift from Santa. Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-26-2007 12:32 PM                        Rated G Lorraine WHAT REINDEER TALK ABOUT DURING THEIR CHRISTMAS FLIGHT 10. "Sheesh! What's he been eating this year? ROCKS?" 9. "He shouts all our names all the time, sure, but do you really think he knows which one is which?" 8. "I never knew Donner had a tattoo THERE!" 7. "Sure...HIS seat is a floatation device. What about us?" 6. "Tried those new lite oats? You really should." 5. "Man, I hope we pause on a rooftop soon. I'm beat." 4. "HEY!" Watch the antlers there, buddy!" 3. "Did you hear you-know-who got a nose job?" 2. "You know, after a few hundred miles, these jingle bells really get annoying!" 1. "So, you want to go someplace afterward for some reindeer games?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-27-2007 02:43 PM                        Rated G Diana An old man goes to a school reunion where he finds that his surviving classmates are only interested in talking about their ailments: kidney stones, heart murmurs, liver pains, etc. When he gets home his daughter asks him how it went. "It wasn't much of a reunion," he replies. "It was more like an organ recital."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-27-2007 02:50 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Two elderly women were trying on shoes in a store. When the salesman slipped a shoe onto one woman's foot, the end of his tie got caught beneath her heel. Unaware of his predicament, she stood up and started toward the mirror. For a few seconds, the salesman found himself crawling along the floor beside her, trying to get her attention. "Look, Agnes," her friend said. "He wants to go home with you!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-27-2007 02:52 PM                        Rated G Lorraine QUESTION: What do you get when you cross a Pit Bull and a Collie? ANSWER: A dog that rips your arm off and then goes for help.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-28-2007 11:51 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. Cajun Math Test A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Cajun says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree."Ere you go." The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" " Each of da trees is dirty now. So,it's dirty tree,and dirty tree,and dirty tree. Dat is 99." The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,"Ere you go. One hundred." The boss looks at the attempt."You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred." WHEN DO I START?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-28-2007 08:07 PM                        Rated G Diane Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2008 Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted. Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 8 Men have two emotions:Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky .. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs. Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,lying in hospitals, dying of nothing. Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism. Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut save you $30.00? Number 2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. And The Number 1 Thought For 2008 We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Dept. of Agriculture in charge of Immigration. ' Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers. What you do today, might Burn Your Butt Tomorrow'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2008 09:21 AM                        Rated G B.B. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2008 01:25 PM                        Rated G Throwing Dollars A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington D.C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River. "That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!" "You have to remember." answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot further in those days."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2008 01:33 PM                        Rated G Micky Hickory hickory dock. The mouse ran up the clock. The clock struck one, But the rest got away with minor injuries.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2008 01:53 PM                        Rated G How to Trap a Bear 1. Dig a big hole. 2. Fill it with peas. (Bears love pea's) 3. You hide. 4. When the bear goes to take a pea. You kick him in the hole.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2008 07:45 PM                        Rated G B.B. Imagine what the world would sound like if the inventor of the telephone had been Alexander Graham Siren.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2008 07:47 PM                        Rated G lbp If I knew what brand of whiskey he [General Grant] drinks, I would send a barrel or so to some other generals. Abraham Lincoln Source: Remark at Cabinet meeting, 1864  |  IP: Logged

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