my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Miscellaneous - Part Three (Page 91)

This topic comprises 118 pages: 1  2  3  ...  88  89  90  91  92  93  94  ...  116  117  118

Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-18-2007 03:45 PM                        Rated PG Ed in Aurora, Ont. Subject: Leno contest If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience...there was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! She said it was midwinter... snowing & freezing...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah . It was a day trip (not overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere. Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly frozen against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about what is taking so long with a reply that indeed, she was freezing her butt off and was in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater. Then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She, too, got the giggles, and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down... or perhaps that should be pants down. And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's only comment: "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-18-2007 03:50 PM                        Rated G Marty For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average, hey let's get a pizza!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-22-2007 12:59 PM                        Rated G b.b. "Boat Names" A boating magazine ran a contest for clever boat names. The following names reeled in the honors: Brace Yourself (owned by an orthodontist) Sir Osis of the River Aqua Seltzer Out to Launch Watertight Alibi (owned by a lawyer) Meals on Reels The Merri Yot and, from a landscape contractor, Yard Buoy.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-22-2007 01:02 PM                        Rated PG cutie pa2ti Why does Piglet smell so bad? He always plays with Pooh.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-22-2007 01:07 PM                        Rated G Jeff Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:” Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?" Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes: "And what does that tell you?" Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-23-2007 10:57 AM                        Rated G B.B. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-23-2007 11:03 AM                        Rated G B.B. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men: One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the King of the Jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp. Thought... Now go have a nice day unless you already have other plans.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-23-2007 02:14 PM                        Rated G A vampire joke What's a vampire's favourite sport? Batminton! A werewolf joke What do you call a werewolf that drinks too much? A whino! A witch joke Where did the witch get her furniture? From the ideal gnome exhibition! A skeleton joke Why didn't the skeleton go to the party? He had no body to go with! A cannibal joke What happened at the cannibal's wedding party? They toasted the bride and groom! A ghost joke How can you tell if a corpse is angry? It flips its lid! A demon joke What do demons have on holiday? A devil of a time!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-25-2007 04:19 PM                        Rated G B.B. COFFEE QUOTATIONS "No coffee can be good in the mouth that does not first send a sweet offering of aroma to the nostrils." (Henry Ward Beecher) "A morning without coffee is like sleep." (Author Unknown) "He was my cream, and I was his coffee; and when you poured us together, it was something." (Josephine Baker) "I make my coffee so strong it wakes up the neighbors." (Author Unknown) "Another way to say coffee? Break fluid." (Author Unknown) "This coffee tastes like mud! Well, it was ground this morning." (M*A*S*H) "Coffee smells like freshly ground heaven." (Jessi Lane Adams)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-25-2007 04:20 PM                        Rated G B.B. "Definitions of a Bachelor" * One who avoids Bride-Eyed women. * One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit. * One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked. * One who can't be Spouse-Broken. * One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him. * One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall. * One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone- Deaf. * One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-25-2007 04:25 PM                        Rated G B.B. My weight problem is hereditary. It was passed down from my mouth to my stomach. WONDER for YOUR WEEK: Do the people who make tea get coffee breaks? "When a priest makes a mistake in church, it's a clerical error." I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a mussel.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2007 09:39 AM                        Rated G Lorraine QUESTION: Why did Dorothy get lost in Oz? ANSWER: She had three men giving her directions.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2007 09:41 AM                        Rated G the little woman Things you don't want to hear during surgery: Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there. Oh no! Where's my Rolex. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before? "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys,and this guy's got two of 'em." Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration. What's this doing here? That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one! Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right? This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card? What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?" FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out! Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-27-2007 02:21 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A couple were being given a guided tour of Pico da Bandeira, one of the highest mountains in the Americas. Their guide pointed out where a young couple, petrified by lava, had been discovered. They had died in the act of making love. "How awful!" exclaimed the wife. "Si, but what a great way to spend eternity." added the husband.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-27-2007 02:28 PM                        Rated G B.B. You're not a kid anymore when ... The only reason you're awake at 4 a.m. is indigestion. You are proud of your lawnmower. 8 a.m. is your idea of "sleeping in." People call you at 8 p.m. and ask: "Did I wake you?" You've seen Halley's Comet ... twice. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 118 pages: 1  2  3  ...  88  89  90  91  92  93  94  ...  116  117  118

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.