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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-13-2007 11:42 AM                        Rated G Lorraine My son Sabastian plays trumpet in the school band and guitar with a jazz band, but his real love is rock and roll. I listen mostly to opera, and one day Sabastian asked me how I came to love it. “My mother always had it playing while I was growing up,” I replied. “That's what I was afraid of,” he said glumly.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-13-2007 11:43 AM                        Rated G Lorraine After graduating from high school, a friend and I decided to start our careers as jazz musicians. We scrounged up a couple of gigs a week, but jazz wasn't popular in our small town and our duo often outnumbered the members of the audience. Accustomed to the silence that followed our tunes, I was startled one evening to hear clapping after we'd delivered an Ellington standard. “Thank you. Thank you very much!” I said into the microphone. Gazing out into the audience, I met the eyes of a confused- looking woman with a burger and fries in front of her and a bottle of ketchup in one hand-the other hand slapping the bottom of the bottle.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-13-2007 11:44 AM                        Rated G Lorraine My daughter and son-in-law were at a restaurant atop a multistorey hotel in Interlaken, Switzerland. It was an ideal spot to view the city and surroundings, and also to watch the antics of the local hang-gliding enthusiasts. Patrons were startled, however, to notice one glider carrying two people zooming perilously close to the building. Just as they skimmed by, one of them called out in English, "Two coffees, please!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-13-2007 11:55 AM                        Rated G B.B. DEFINING DIFFERENT HEIGHTS Height of Isolation: Two people sitting side by side using e- mails to communicate with each other. Height of Cowardice: Two persons fighting through e-mails. Height of Helplessness: Receiving no e-mails for a week. Height of Frustration: The email server being down. Height of Carelessness: Writing a love mail and doing a 'Send All.' Height of Achievement: A person sending email to a girl/boy wanting to become friends and getting a reply. Height of Timepass: A person sending email to himself. Height of Expectation: Sending Indian cricket team an e-mail, wishing them to win a match.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-15-2007 08:57 AM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti Sue: "I'm not myself today." Mary: "I noticed the improvement right away."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-15-2007 09:01 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A colleague and I had a free afternoon during a business trip. We decided to go shopping and were told there was a mall farther down on the same street as our hotel. The weather had turned unfriendly, and huge snowflakes blurred our vision as we trudged on to the nearest bus stop. After a considerable wait, the bus finally arrived. We shook off the snow, boarded and asked the driver to let us know when we reached our destination. With a friendly smile, he said: "Don't sit down. The next stop is yours."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-15-2007 09:05 AM                        Rated G More Things You'd Love To Say (But Don't Dare) Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again... I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. Visualizing? I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-15-2007 09:09 AM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti Charley: I just swallowed a frog. Farley:Doesn't it make you feel sick? Charley: Sick! I'm liable to croak any minute!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2007 04:44 PM                        Rated G B.B. Signs of the times! In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon : Yesterday's Meals on Wheels On another Septic Tank Truck: "We're #1 in the #2 business" At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in." On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.." On a Church's Billboard: "7 days without God makes one weak." At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee : "Invite us to your next blowout." On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?" At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." At an Optometrist's Office : "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place" On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!" At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary We hear you coming." In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2007 09:46 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A woman locked herself out of her car. She watched the locksmith work with that wire that slides under the window and then pushes up the lock. She asked him, 'that goes under the window, huh? What do you do if the window is down?'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2007 09:48 AM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti Patient: Doctor, doctor, I just swallowed a bone! Doctor: Are you choking? Patient: No, I'm serious.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2007 12:55 PM                        Rated G Lorraine My family moved into a beautiful old house. Its redbrick walls were covered with a mass of ivy and Virginia creeper, which housed a multitude of swallows, sparrows and house martins. The first spring we were there, however, it became evident that all the birds were taking their toll on our clean windows. Mother called a window cleaner. When he arrived, he was undoubtedly startled by her greeting: "Oh, I'm so glad to see you! It's mating season, you know."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2007 01:16 PM                        Rated G Lorraine "Did you hear that Flanagan invented an invisible deodorant?" "No, what good is it?" "Well if you use, you vanish and no one knows where the smell is coming from!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2007 08:46 AM                        Rated G My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. --Rodney Dangerfield  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2007 02:03 PM                        Rated G Quirk "Gas prices are so high that I can double the value of my car just by filling up." - Maxine  |  IP: Logged

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