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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-20-2007 10:38 AM                        Rated G Stupid Signs Stupid is as stupid does (this fwd was so great. I wish I thought of the stupid sign!) Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid", That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind didn't see your sign". It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign." A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign." I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it." Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign." We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him. I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "No I'm delivering' a bridge... here's your sign." I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign." Anybody you know need a sign today? Send this to all your friends. The next time someone says something stupid ask them where their sign is.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-01-2007 10:59 AM                        Rated R Dear Mom & Dad, Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw theflood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed.It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left.Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim,and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out.It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file? I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent. Love, Jimmie :  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-02-2007 11:14 AM                        Rated G Hank in Simi Valley 1) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are." (2) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled. (3) A man rushed into a busy doctor's office andshouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient." (4) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.Immediately,he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises. (5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!" (6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals,leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on." (7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on." (8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census." (9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy.The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (10) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts,the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you,with fronds like these, who needs enemas?" Enough already!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-02-2007 02:25 PM                        Rated R Hank in Simi Valley There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'One stone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him One stone. After years and years of torment, One stone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me One stone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, One stone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that One stone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw One stone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, One stone." One stone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! What is the moral of this story????? OH, Come on ... take a guess! Think about it ...And the moral is ... . . . . . . . You can't kill two birds with one stone!!  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 08-20-2007 01:15 PM                        Rated PG.... While walking through the Colorado woods, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Out of curiosity, he inquired, "What the heck are you doing?" "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the tree hugger replied. "You gotta be kidding' me," exclaimed the walker. "No, would you like to give it a try?" asked the hugger. Understandably curious, the man acquiesced and proceeded to wrap his arms around the tree while pressing his ear up against the trunk. The other man slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry and car keys, stripped him naked, and left. Two hours later another nature lover strolled by and observed the naked man handcuffed to the tree and asked, "What the hell happened to you?" The man told the other man the whole terrible story about how he came to be in his predicament. When he finished telling his story, the other man shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear, and whispered, "This just ain't gonna be your day, Cupcake."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-06-2007 09:15 AM                        Rated PG 13 As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in Water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: it is my duty as a public service advocate, and my deep concern for your health.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-07-2007 03:10 PM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers Italian kids vs American kids American kids: Move out when they're 18 with the full support of their parents. Italian kids: Move out when they're 28, having saved enough money for a house, and are two weeks away from getting married....unless there's room in the basement for the newlyweds. American kids: When their Mom visits them, she brings a Bundt cake, and you sip coffee and chat. Italian kids: When their Mom visits them, she brings 3 days worth of food, begins to tidy up, dust, do the laundry, and rearrange the furniture. American kids: Their dads always call before they come over to visit them, and it's usually only on special occasions. Italian kids: Are not at all fazed when their dads show up, unannounced, on a Saturday morning at 8:00, and starts pruning the fruit trees. If there are no fruit trees, he'll plant some. American kids:Always pay retail, and look in the Yellow Pages when they need to have something done. Italian kids: Call their dad or uncle, and ask for another dad's or uncle's phone number to get it done...cash deal. Know what I mean?? American kids: Will come over for cake and coffee, and get only cake and coffee. No more. Italian kids: Will come over for cake and coffee, and get antipasto, wine, a pasta dish, a choice of two meats, salad, bread, a cannoli, fruit, espresso, and a few after dinner drinks. American kids: Will greet you with "Hello" or "Hi". Italian kids: Will give you a big hug, a kiss on your cheek, and a pat on your back. American kids: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs. Italian kids: Call your parents Mom and Dad. American kids: Have never seen you cry. Italian kids: Cry with you. American kids: Borrow ! your stuff for a few days and then return it. Italian kids: Keep your stuff so long, they forget it's yours. American kids: Will eat at your dinner table and leave. Italian kids: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together. American kids: Know few things about you. Italian kids: Could write a book with direct quotes from you. American kids: Eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on soft mushy white bread. Italian kids: Eat Genoa Salami and Provolone sandwiches on crusty Italian bread. American kids: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing. Italian kids: Will kick the whole crowds' ass who left you behind. American kids: Are for a while. Italian kids: Are for life. American kids: Like Rod Stewart, and Steve Tyrell. Italian kids: Worship Tony Bennett, and Sinatra American kids: Think that being Italian is cool. Italian kids: Know that being Italian is cool. American kids: Will ignore this. Italian kids: Will forward it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-10-2007 04:37 PM                        Rated G Quirk "In a recent interview, Brad Pitt said he and Angelina Jolie would like to have another baby. Angelina denied the story and said, 'Brad must have misunderstood when I said I was in the mood for Chinese.'" -Conan O'Brien  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-10-2007 07:39 PM                        Rated G "Don't You Hate it When..." You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them. The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on. You open a can of soup, and the lid falls in. There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING. You slice your tongue licking an envelope. You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint. A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling. You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am. The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song. You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out. Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire. You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-10-2007 07:41 PM                        Rated G B.B. A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy two servings per night and a few more on weekends, I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals to one pound of weight per week. Therefore, in the last three and a half years, I have had a chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds. I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about three months ago. I owe my life to chocolate!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-10-2007 07:45 PM                        Rated G Lorraine There is a lot more juice in grapefruit than meets the eye.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-11-2007 09:01 AM                        Rated G Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2007 06:31 PM                        Rated G Gerry Max: Are you my waiter? Waiter: Yes, sir, I hope you haven't been waiting too long. Max: Oh, no, but did you know that your menu has 976,417 letters on it?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2007 06:49 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Congratulations were showered on Kaplan. His number 49 had won the top prize in the lottery. Say Kaplan, asked Goldstein, how did you happen to pick number 49? I saw it in a dream. Six sevens appeared and danced before my eyes. Six times seven is 49, and that's all there was to it. But six times seven is 42 not 49. Hah? . . . All right, so you be the mathematician!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2007 06:52 PM                        Rated R B.B. A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?" The boy replied, "What turkey?" The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm." The boy look down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!" The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so what ever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?" The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!"  |  IP: Logged

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